A short story...completed, for a change

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I recently did a short effort, divided into two halves out of convenience more than anything. It's intended to be read in one go.

First half
Second half

There are one or two really obscure references thrown in, but the origin of the premise is really quite funny and might be of interest to anyone who's struggling for inspiration. I was on a train one day and got a bit annoyed at how there always seems to be a rowdy stag/hen party in my carriage. After briefly grumbling to my friends about it when I arrived, the idea sort of took on a life of its own and I ended up writing this, in a bit of a hurry.

Apart from that, it's supposed to be a dieselpunk piece, which is an interesting genre I've seen and read precious little of. We need more dieselpunk stories!

That was interesting. As someone who takes writing very seriously, I'd say you want to do some revision - but the story you have would be worth the effort needed to revise it. You might want to indulge in a little worldbuilding before you start the revision, since I think that's the weakest point of the story. The world is an interesting one, but a bit vague. (Which will happen, when you're trying to come up with the details on the fly.) There's actually a lot to work with, though.

Thanks. For some reason, it reads very differently (to me, anyway) from the work of people I read, so I was worried about it being deficient in some important aspect from 'proper' writing.

Duly noted on the worldbuilding thing - I was coming up with more details as I went along, and by the end I had quite a lot of the background filled in...aside from the few details made it into the current version. It was a fun exercise to read around on fashion, language, politics and technology of the era, and I think I'll need to do a lot more to expand on the worldview successfully.

Thanks again for the constructive criticism and encouragement - I really hope I can revisit this one when I get time.

I would guess that one reason it reads differently to you from the works you read is that you're at least unconsciously aware of the difference between a first draft and one that's been revised. (That's a good thing. You need that sense.) You may already know this - but keep a copy of the first draft safe until you're sure about the revision. It is possible to revise too much, and ruin a story. (In fact, it's not a bad idea to keep copies of all drafts, until you get a final one you're happy with. That lets you pull out bits that worked from one draft, and put them into another. I'm not sure how much revision you've done - but if you don't already know this, you'll discover it's harder than writing the first draft.)

On the other hand, if you managed to write this as a first draft with as little experience as you seem to suggest you have - that's impressive! You've got a lot of talent to work with. I will mention a couple of traps you want to watch out for. First, worldbuilding: it is necessary, and, as you discovered, fun. There's nothing wrong with having fun while you do it, but you can also get sucked into an endless pit. I've known of people who spent years drawing maps, building models of castles, and what have you - and never managed to get a word on paper. Everyone has to find their own balance, and the exact balance will shift from work to work, but at some point, you do have to decide you're done, and only look up more detail if you actually need it.

The second trap is the more insidious one. This is a good story. It has a lot of promise. But, as you learn and write more stories, you're going to get better. At some point, you'll look back on this and think "I could have done it so much better". That insight will be perfectly true - but it's irrelevant. Every writer improves. If you start out by writing the single most brilliant story the world has ever read, you're still going to get better at it as you write more stories. So, sooner or later, that brilliant story will appear dull to you in comparison. Your past self can never win a race with your present self. If you're not careful, this is something that can either discourage you, or trap you in an endless round of revisions as you constantly try to bring everything up to the highest possible level.