Mental Attraction

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Does "mental attraction" refer to what I separate into "emotional" & "intellectual", both, or neither ?

Each individual embodies/possesses (personal features of oneself & reactions towards other people) multiple attractions & aversions: some more commonly shared amongst people, some rare and "harder-to-match" between persons.

Also, the order of priority for classes of features/traits will range depending on the individual.
For instance (this is very broadly oversimplified-not wholly accurate/comprehensive), here's list of levels on which I evaluate my reactions, in relation to any particular person (for friendly or intimate purposes)-from most to least important:
1.) Emotional
2.) Physical (sensory)
3.) Intellectual

1.) Emotional resonance, comfort, pleasant feeling of familiarity (or potential thereof) with how another's personality operates. Difficult to concretize/crystallize, because it's one of those "you know it when you meet it" judgments. What mindset is elicited within me around this person & what mindset do I evoke in this person ? How do I feel around this person, how does this person seem to feel (from what person says and/or how person behaves) around me ?

2.) Physical attraction is of the "threshold" sort, not quantifiable as list of visual (or other sensory perception modality) details. As others have said in many threads: If someone is emotionally attractive, that can aid in helping me see them more kindly, visually. If someone seems emotionally aversive, that can influence/modify my visual assessment of them, making them seem a bit less visually attractive. Not saying it's completely moldable, mutable, fluid, but that there can be a good deal of "wiggle room" in how someone's appearance can be perceived, based on how personality comes across to another person.

Is based more on how combination of parts look (or feel, smell, sound) together in one person than isolated "idealized" preferences. Could rule out certain things as being aversive (unattractive, according to my tastes)-but there might be exceptions in a particular instance. Try to minimize statements of preferences as absolutes-such items would be generalizations & not always apply.

3.) Intellect is important to me-use mostly as tool to access, relate, & articulate emotionality & physicality, with self and others-it's something I'm pretty skilled with. Yet it can't compete with the necessary requirements of "clicking" on other levels. It's bonus, extra, "frosting": without the "cake" (of emotional & physical mutual attraction), intellect alone isn't going to passionately draw myself & someone else together.

Dislike admitting this, as it makes me seem harsher than I really am. Don't want to inflame anyone merely in discussing my experiences. There have been guys that I felt positively towards emotionally, but I couldn't make the leap into "coupledom" because of physical aversion that I couldn't ignore (no matter how guiltily superficial I felt about it). Also, most of my boyfriends haven't been highly intellectual-am not being egotistical, friends pointed it out to me. I don't exclude smart guys, it's just that emotional & physical factors supersede/trump (motivate me more strongly than) "intellectual smarts".

Exactly. Whether making overtures towards acquaintances in hopes of eventual friendship, or the scary world of online (or offline) dating, these interactions/exchanges feel so much like auditions where both parties are "trying out for" whatever the role/position/level of affiliation is, in each other's lives. Wish I could be more detached/aloof, less anxious/insecure about it.

Mental attraction is I can talk with them about things like literature, philosophy- all the boring Aspie trademarks.

I would prefer that to anything else. But the guys I find like that are still shallow.

OK, not all guys are shallow.

But this thread goes around in circles. It will never be solved.

If I find someone mentally attractive I find them physically attractive also. I think so many things make someone attractive and a glint in the eye is often far sexier than model looks.

I'm all about mental attraction. I found my current (and most likely totally lifelong and last) mate through dreams, before I knew who it was. It was who he was, entirely, that did it, and there is a deeper connection that transcends anything carnal.

I notice a lot of women seem to answer similarly to me, but it's nice to also see the men saying similar things.

I agree. There have even been a couple times where when I first met someone, I found them very unattractive physically, but once I started to find their personality attractive, I also started to find their body attractive. I know that sounds weird, but it's true.

Sadly I can't help put a premium on physical attraction. Not that she has to be a knockout but there has to be something to look at or I won't be at all interested. I think someone else hit it on the head when they said a lot of Aspie guys have this quality due to emotional immaturity. Of course, physical attraction alone won't work either--if she's hot but a total b***h I'm running for the hills.

When there's a physical, emotional, AND metal pull that's when I know I'm trouble. Probably why I keep falling for women completely out of my league.

Last edited by bRain524 on 15 Oct 2008, 7:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Unlike Belfast, I have to have some amount of intellect, or I'm just not attracted. And actually, it has to be a fair amount.

Perhaps some of it is a 'as long as he knows more about X than me'... Where X is not the traditional car things. :D


Oh, and looks are good. But as I get older, I'm finding myself more attracted to people who I can tell are my age. Whereas before, I couldn't tell age at all, really. (Who knows what's going through my head? Balding hair = stock portfolio???)

I think it's standard to find someone more attractive the more good things you find out about them. You can overlook more... It almost seems very NT, though.

I rely on mental attraction a lot because I cannot form an image of a person in my head. So my attraction is definitely very mental, and quite gradual. I cannot get love at first sight at all. The physical matters as well. But I'll like unusual, quirky looking. I think I'm more susceptible the 'uncanny valley' effect. So what is considered the height of prettiness isn't to me.

I also want to be intellectually compatible with a partner.