How do I tell if an aspie is attracted to me?

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I'm 20 years old, female and in art school in New York. I've never been diagnosed with aspergers, but I... this may sound strange but I feel like I might have it. Aspies I know think that I do, anyway.
I met a guy who's 22 years older than me- I know that's a big age gap. I knew there was something different about him that I liked, from the moment I saw him. I always have intense crushes on older men, and have dated a few of them, but I always seem to ruin it.
I got to know this aspie- (I'm afraid that he's a member here, so I'm going to call him Mark.) We connect so well, I'm afraid I'm imagining it. He's not married, and lives alone. He obviously at least wants to be my friend, but he seems attracted to me. His friends and mine all comment on it- he follows me places and stares at me and seeks me out. He's way more interested in me than he is in anyone else.

I'm afraid that I'm crazy and imagining things and that he's gay or asexual- or worse, that he's figured out that I'm absolutely mad about him and is repulsed by me. I'm not fat, but I'm on the bigger side. He's involved at my school, so us spending time together that isn't completely innocent would be frowned upon.. I looked up the rules about this sort of thing and he wouldn't get fired. He talks about me insistently when i'm not around... he openly stares at my chest and lights up when i come into the room. I could list on.. he would be looked down by my professors and his colleagues for being involved with me. I'm sorry for how badly this is written, but I'm really nervous about even posting this.

Sharing your interest in him, with him, will never be without risk. Some men wear their interest on their sleeves, others don't, and still others try to play by rules that may not make sense in the situation. So ... you are never sure unless you take a leap. If you really believe a relationship could be meant to be, then you take the leap.

But ...

You've also said things that make me believe you aren't ready for a serious relationship right now, in which case you may as well skip out on the risk. You are young, and, well, I know from personal experience that ruining relationships once in them is a nice little self-defense mechanism the subconscious plays on those who really aren't ready.

No one can make the call for someone else. Only you know what you are willing to risk, and what you are ready for.

I was seventeen, he was forty seven, married and had two kids. I think that had more to do with it than anything.

And the question becomes, why you allowed yourself to even start a relationship with him, doesn't it? I would guess you were subconsciously sabotaging from day 1.

Interesting that a lot of us went for wayyy older men.

I think in my case it was because I am stuck at 15. Needed a dad? Who knows?

yeah, i'd say he prolly is

in on the older men crew

the guy that i got on the best with was 25 years older than me.

Does he like you? Perhaps he does, but you are 20 and he is 44.

He would be scared at the thought of "hitting on" a girl young enough to be his daughter.

This only shows that he is a good man. If you want a relationship then it is up to you to seduce him.

It sounds like he's wrestling with feelings similar to your own, only with an Aspie twist: I'd say, based on all this, that he does definitely like you: Aspies struggle immensely with social boundaries, so the fact he's pretty honest about his desires -- the constant talking about you, staring at your chest, eyes lighting up when you enter the room, et al -- shows this fact.

That being said, it also seems as if he's feeling conflicted and uncertain himself. Aspies need to have things spelled out to them and made crystal clear, because they simply don't know how to read certain social cues. Maybe you need to talk to him honestly about things. Ask him how he feels about you. There's no harm in asking these kinds of questions and would definitely clear things up. Just be upfront with him.

The issue, however, of his status in the school is the X-Factor in this question, viviandarkbloom: it sounds like he may be a professor type or administrative worker, based on what you say (some clarification, within reason and respect for your privacy, would be helpful here). It's nice to see you have such obvious affection for him, too, since you're trying to consider what would happen to him if you two got together, because you don't want to hurt him.

If he's a professor in your department and there's any expectation he could, in theory, be your instructor at some point down the line, I'd avoid getting too close, as yes, his career could be in question. If he's completely unavailable to you as a professor because he's not in the same discipline and there's no future expectation of having him in a position of power over you, then I say go for it. Otherwise, it's unethical.

Another point is: are you at the same sort of mental stage in your life? If you aren't, any resulting relationship will be unbalanced.

If they actually can hang around in your company for extended periods of time on a consistant basis; good chance you got 'em hooked:)

That's one of the reasons why I feel like I have aspergers. I don't read relationship social cues like that.
He is a professor, and to make it worse- my advisor. I hate this, I hate it deeply but I've never felt anything this strong in my life. It's not dark- it feels innocent and true and real. Do I sound stupid? I really think I'm actually in love. I would avoid him for the rest of my life if it meant keeping him safe, but just the thought makes me want to cry. He once told my class that he's the emotional equivalent of a thief. If nothing can happen, I want to squash this, like a bug. But I don't know how.

viviandarkbloom wrote:

He's your advisor? I'm surprised there are no guidelines or rules at your school against this sort of thing.

viviandarkbloom, I'd give you a hug if I could -- this is exceptionally painful for you, I can see it through your words. Being in love with someone and not being able to give them your love for reasons beyond your control is one of the single worst things in the world. I have empathy for where you're at, as I've experienced the same thing as you are right now.

And no, it's not stupid to have real, true and passionate feelings for someone like this. Feeling something this strong is one of the things that makes life worth living.

I know this is hard to hear, but I'm sure you know this already: you cannot move forward on this with him right now. It could endanger both of your careers, especially his.

That being said, where are you at academically? Are you about to graduate? Are you planning to leave your school anytime soon? The reason I ask is that, if you're prepared to wait a little while longer, it would be fine if you were no longer affiliated with the school or had no further professional engagement with him or his department. At that point, you're in the clear.

I do have to ask, though: I find his choice of words to your class -- "he's the emotional equivalent of a thief" -- a bit interesting. Is he saying, in code, he's known to steal hearts? As in this has happened before?

What about him do you like most? I'm just curious.

I'm just veering into my junior year. I might graduate early, actually. Keeping my hopes up. I actually looked up the rules last year, and as long as he 'passed me off' to someone else as an advisee then everything would be kosher. I thought he was referring to his aspie-ness with the thief comment. I like... his kindness. I can relate to him which I can't often with boys my own age and most men. I don't feel like there's a humongous gap in intellect, interests - we interact better than I do with most people. I don't want to lose that. I know he's totally way more intelligent than I am. He's not obnoxious about it and I can tell likes me in spite of it. (If I were on the other end, I'm not sure I'd be as generous.) I realized that for how much I think I know him- I don't know enough. I guess what I like most is that he's himself and doesn't apologise for anything.

"How do I tell if an aspie is attracted to me?"

You: Are you attracted to me
Him: No -->he's not attracted to you

or

Him: Yes!---> he's attracted to you.


/The End

Well, based on all that, just in my opinion, maybe you could try to get him to pass you off to another advisor or graduate early, who knows. I'd try pursuing that angle.

Personally, if you feel this strongly for him, viviandarkbloom, you should find ways that are safe for both of you to go forward. Finding someone you connect this well with is a rarity for the majority of people, so you should absolutely go for it if you can make it work. Good luck to you both.