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All done and dusted folks, the boy wonder did it himself.................. a bit disapointing nothing to flog him about the head with now.............. No only kdding, so glad the deed has been done and he has acted like an adult.

Thanks again for all your imput folks

I'm glad things worked out for you.

In this world there will always be pushy inappropriate people. They are a pain to deal with but sometimes it can be nice to have them around so that we can use the gonads that God gave us.

While it seems that this woman was taking advantage of your husband, I see nothing wrong with someone having a desire to help people. Although the other woman's attitude seems to be inappropriate and unappreciative, the truth is that she probably does indeed need the help. Her life is probably pretty tough, and to be honest helping her move is far less skin off your back than would be skin off of hers to have to do it completely by herself.

It doesn't sound like your husband went particularly out of his way to help her in the past, and in all likelihood it seems like he got a sense of fulfillment from it. I see nothing wrong with that if it actually benefits both parties. Although, her attempts to manipulate him and get him to go out of his way to help her (if there are any) are certainly deserving of repercussions, so perhaps sending a message at this time was the right thing to do. I can't really say without knowing what it is that this woman thinks. If she thought of your husband's aid a a godsend that really helped her to get through things, then you may have just made a huge mistake that you will possibly regret later. However if she truly is just a manipulative tart who thinks that you just "should" go to all kinds of social functions and help her do everything because she's "entitled" to it as someone less well off, then screw her. And screw everyone else in the neighborhood because I don't see any way how she isn't going to complain to everybody she knows or how your family isn't going to come out looking like selfish bad guys here. But I'm sure you've thought of that.

Good for him... I hope he feels empowered by the event and is more effective in his ability to manage his helpfulness in the future.

I would caution you, however, to not fall into the trap of considering him or his desire to please "childish"... that sets up an ugly dynamic in your partnership that I'm pretty sure you don't intend. The work "childish" contains a "parental" judgement in it.

You might instead think of it as unskillful or uneffective or some less loaded word. As such you will be more an ally than an "angry mother".

Hi there,

Posting again to answer some of the comments left after my last post.

Hi Donkey Buster and Bob the Martian

Thanks for your input.

I don't think that my husbands problem as I described here is actually a helpfulness problem but an inability to either say No or to get what he wants to say across. He is often angry that people start to expect help from him when he helps them out once or twice. Also that people never offer anything in return. He does actually feel put out by all of these types of things! He does have enough of his own stuff to do, which he complains is constantly interupted by other peoples request for help.

Donkey Buster, If you are talking about the comment I made about being glad my husband had acted like an adult in the end, in my last post? I meant this in respect to the fact that when I first talked to him about saying NO to the womans request for help with moving, I thought and did say somewhere that I thougt he was a litttle too eager for me to fix the problem that HE had got US into. I said it here but did not say it to him because I just wanted the whole issue over and done with, for the sake of everyone involved not just me. Also to brooch this aspect of the problem with him would have confused the issue of what he needed to do even further. The reason I mentioned that I was glad that in the end he had acted like an adult is because he had actually done it off his own bat, without me having to add my influence to the mix again. I am sure constantly having others fix things for you cannot be in any way liberating. It also does nothing to help my husband work on a solution to this ongoing problem.

Seeing that you mention it, I very often do feel like the only adult in the equasion and NO I don't like it,( without anything else it's way too much work for me) which is why I am more than happy when my husaband sorts out his own problems.

Bob the Martian I am in no doubt that his woman pecieves she needs the help but I don't percieve that she needs it from us as both of us are not that keen to give it anymore. She has used up any good will we ever had for her. Also as far as I can see if things cannot be done with good grace they sould not be done at all. To do this is very ingenuine, something I hate in others so try not to be myself.

As far as having it tough, without going into detail, be assured our collective lives ar far tougher than she could ever percieve. We really don't need any further complication that I am in no doubt will be forthcoming if we continue our involvement with her.

I am also in no doubt that she will get the help she needs to move when the time comes.

As far as what she says to others about what has happened, that is of absolutely no concern to me. I learned long ago that I have no contol what people think or say about me. What I am concerned about is what I feel about the reasoning behind my own actions.So within the realms of decency I always plan to do what I think is right for my family because at the end of the day that is my responsibility and in that respect this woman simply does not rate

Thanks too for your posts Granite. In all honesty I too have no way to know for sure what this womans angle is for any of the stuff she has done. All I know is that as a mother and guardian of our family unit (do you know the stats on divorce in families with ASDian children............let alone ASDian adults) I have a duty to do something to protect our already satistically at risk famly. In the worst case scenario- assuming this woman had the worst of intentions. After all we have been through it would be tragic to be knocked off by some rather seemingly insipid but "deal breaking" act on my husbands behalf. I think in the end what we ended up doing was the least damaging for all involved. For my husband to say "Look H---- about the moving, I REALLY cannot help you" rather than going into great long explanations and perhaps acusations was the best thing.

Hope this gives you all a bit of an insite to what I am all about.

Cheers



Also just stating the unsaid here

Yes, that is the comment I was referring to.

The use of that word to describe his behavior was telling, as I'm sure you've noticed now as you admit that often you do feel like the grown-up.

I was trying to encourage you to A) be aware of your feeling, B) try to reframe the behavior/problem so as to make the relationship more equitable.

Your husband is an intelligent adult, regardless of his interpersonal difficulties. Lots and lots of adults have trouble saying "No", it's not childish behavior. Lots and lots of mature adults have serious self-confidence problems. It's not a sign of childishness.

I understand it is trying, difficult and exhausting being the one who is better able to set limits and establish boundaries (been there, do that). But I have fallen into the trap of seeing the other as immature, childish, and it just undermines the whole relationship.

I have found it much more beneficial to address the problem as ineffective, unskillful behavior rather than judging it as childish, or immature. I am then able to be more supportive and encouraging as opposed to belittling, undermining or condescending.

I encourage you to explore your "childish" perspective and see if it isn't spreading subtle seeds of poison in your relationship.

I think you can often overanalyse things. I know I'm guilty of this

She was taking liberties with his generosity, and there was a lack of assertiveness.

I'm sure he felt bit uncomfortable about her, but possibly a little less than you.

From experience I notice that some people have a blanket excused for not being able to do something that works quite well "I'm married".

G'day forum folks,

Thanks to everone that has put there 2 bobs worth into this topic, you have all helped me to realise what I was thinking was not unreasonable. Also that what I was thinking to do about it was OK too. Fortunately it worked out even better than I had hoped for. My husband did his bit (without being asked to or spoon fed every inch of the way)(Iknow Donkey Buster, I know) and the woman has not contacted us or asked for my husbands help since. Early days I know but I'm told 'one must be positive'. LOL

Other than to say thanks I was trying not to post again on this subject because in reality it is all over any way. And yes thanks 0 eqals true I do have the habbit of analysing some things to death. LOL This topic has been flogged to death I am sure, however there are some things I would like to discuss further with DonkeyBuster.

Maybe a new topic would be a good idea, anyone interested in joining me in this topic I will title The mistake in infantising your significant other. (see DB I have not ignored you, please join me in the other post so we can discuss this further)

Cheers

Great idea... I'd love to join you but I can't find the thread... could you post a link? Or directions [ ]?