That which causes an NT woman to fall out of love

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I have just developed a theory on the above subject and would like feedback, especially from you NT women out there.

I think that after the initial rush, an NT woman's love for a man in a long-term relationship is based largely on respect. Sure, if she doesn't get her needs met, that can cause huge problems too, but when she losed respect for him, she can't maintain feelings of love.

I also think that this respect, assuming that it isn't lost because of abuse, drug dependency, criminal behavior, etc., is lost when she perceives him as being weak. Women, except for a minority that are super-nurturers, want a man to be strong. Strength is one of the key attractants for women. No strength = no respect.

How does that factor into NT woman/AS man relationships? If the NT woman does not understand AS, she will likely perceive the AS man's many difficulties with career, friendships, relationships, etc., and sometimes child-like eccentricities and obsessivness, as signs of weakness.

The truth may be the exact opposite. The AS man, considering all of the obstacles in these areas, by even marginally succeeding, is likely displaying far more strength of character than most people. Probably far more than the NT woman who thinks that he's weak.

In fact, I have just come to the conclusion that I am about the strongest person that I know. I've stopped beating myself up over my shortcomings and am very proud of what I've accomplished. I look back and feel like I've climbed Everest w/o oxygen, or competed in a triathlon with the flu, except I did it for 35 years.

I'm beginning to feel that, if my wife cannot appreciate my strength and what I've accomplished, largely with her benefit in mind, then it is her loss. She's unlikely to ever find it again. She may find an NT that she can relate to easier, but he'll never have sacrificed for her the way I did, nor is he likely capable of doing so.

Does my strength = respect = love theory have validity? Am I right about NT women perceiving even very strong AS men as weak?

I am an NT woman married to a man recently dx'd with HFA. We've been married going on 13 years. Our DS is just shy of 12, and he was dx'd last year with AS.

The first 10 or so years were tough, not having a dx for either dh or ds, and trying to figure out what was going on with them, trying not to take it personally.

My husband is not "strong" in the traditional sense. He's not physically strong, nor has he really been the caretaker of the family - however growing up I always wanted children, but also knew I didn't want to be the one to be at home all day with them so we had a bit of symbiosis there.

However, my husband is strong in many other ways. Ways that other women may have/did overlook - which is how we came to be married at 31. He can fix almost anything, and is very intuitive about what things need to be right. He can make our DD (who is the only uber-NT one in our bunch) happy when no one else can. He loves our children (and me) with a depth of soul and unconditionality I've never seen before. I have recently suffered some health setbacks that have caused me to need some help with what are called ADL's or activities of daily living. No questions asked, he just jumped in and does them, without making me feel like less of a person.

To me, those are the strengths that matter.

I (NT woman) find it hard to respond because I think we all mean different things when we say "strong." What do you mean by strong?
Also, different people are attracted to different traits. But I would agree that, in general, "neediness" is not an attractive trait. So if needy=weak, there's some truth to your theory.

I dont know alot of women but I think your conclusion may be correct.I have heard women talking about "red flags"....these are something to do with nonverbal communication and social fears of "difference" that does not appear to be based on using logic.(Think of the reaction of mob mentality and "burn her she is a witch" reaction to people who are different)This fear of "different" may be socialization but I think it may also be "hard wired" into peoples brains.I dont know if this is only NT women but I know I have dated and been attracted to men that NT women have seemed to "reject" for no reason I could see.They were intelligent,compassionate and interesting.None of them ever abused me......my "red flags" involve any signs of violent inclination.I think some women are attracted to the "caveman" mentality to protect them(although,they are more likely to be abused by this type of male).Some women also get stuck in the "little girl" role of needing a "daddy figure" to provide for them.They lack a sense of self sufficiency that allows them to feel like they can take care of themselves.
The trade off they make is that the same males who will provide will also feel the need to control them.
I dont blame this totally on the females(NOT all females NT or other) but on the females that some males are attracted to.Many men are afraid of women who are independent and self sufficient...they buy into the same social stereotypes.They like to feel "macho" by being with someone who they consider "weaker".

I'm not necessarily referring to neediness when I say 'weak'. In fact, I think that like a lot of AS men, I'm not very emotionally needy at all. I meant weak as in appearing weak via lacking confidence in social, career, relationship, etc. areas. Weak as in appearing weak via being unable to handle stress well. If these traits were to be observed in an NT male, one could reasonably infer weakness.

However, these traits in an AS male may or may not reveal true weakness. If the AS is mild and the lack of confidence and poor stress management is severe, then he may well be weak. If the AS is severe and the lack of confidence and poor stress management is mild, then he may well be very, very strong.

I believe that my AS was quite severe when I was young, but has improved over time to where it is more moderate. However, I have managed to accomplish a lot, with tremendous stress and lack of confidence at first and with a near NT level of stress and and confidence now. That, and considering that much of the driving force behind my accomplishments and improvements has been for the sake of my wife and family, makes me feel that I have been very strong. However, my wife, who cannot appreciate the level of difficulty for an AS to do what I have done, sees me as weak. Perhaps also because I have appeared weak in my inability to deal with our relationship issues.

I had a NT partner, last night I lost it again, totally scared and hurt her, I didn't see it coming AT ALL, I don't think she'll ever speak to me again and I don't have anyone else in my life....

I can't believe I could destroy such a beautiful connection, granted sometimes she was seriously horrible to me (you may have seen my recent posts) but nothing excuses what I've done...

I'm terrified of my own rage, it isn't like when I get angry, it comes every few weeks or so, logic breaks down, and I cant put 1 and 1 together, total loss of all understanding, all I can do is scream and shout and try to scare people off.

Funny that I'm not needy, not usually whiny, I'm generally really, really, good to partners, but every single one I've either scared off, or pushed away because I was terrified of hurting them further, I despise violence yet everything close ends up this way..

I'm 22, why can't I seem to grow?

I have a weird feeling some of us are just meant to be alone.

KNT

I agree with pretty much all of what you've said except for the part about NT women doing the perceiving. You've lived a life too, so you can judge these things as well as I can. I don't claim to know anything about aspie women, so I have no idea how they may differ from NT women in this regard, or if the difference between individuals is greater than the difference between the two groups.

You are entirely correct that aspies are perceived as being weak. I think this is because of the invisibility of asperger's. Aspies seem normal. Not too many people would consider a blind person weak because they are unable to see. Everybody recognizes that they can't see because they are blind. Not so with aspies.

In my own life, I've found that males perceive me as weak exactly the same as women do for exactly the reasons you describe. For a long time, I noticed it much more when it came from women because I'm heterosexual and their negative reactions to me were a greater source of pain, but I finally realized that guys saw me the same way for all the same reasons.

I never found any solutions. Maybe somebody else will have something of value to say.

Scintillate

I notice you're taking complete responsibility for your own actions, thinking about possible consequences, and trying to understand what the problem is and what to do about it. You just might make it, partner, you just might make it.