lacking empathy creating roadblocks in relationships

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I think I get what you're saying. I guess I'll try and bring things up (tactfully) next time I see her. I just don't understand what's going on, as I am getting very mixed signals from her.

I don't understand what you mean by "it's fine and good to stand up for your "needs" in a relationship, but not when they're that one-sided. You are bringing nothing to the table then." You mean sex is not a need? Or that it is only for my sake? I want to give her pleasure too, that's always in my mind when I'm in bed with a woman.

I think so. I've enjoyed the time we spend together. It's hard to get to know each other though. Most of my past are things I don't want to discuss too much, and I don't want to discuss having AS, or my life as it relates to staying away from drugs/booze (my other struggle in life). I'd rather discuss happy things, and have fun times.

Okay, this adds a bit to it! It looks (to her) like you want intimacy without any real intimacy. You know?

And I didn't say it very well, either! I have a hard time expressing myself, which is why I'm here reading voraciously, but commenting sporadically. Sigh, I'll give it a shot, but I'm sure it won't be that understandable (stupid brain!) to anyone but me:

I think what I was trying to get at is that according to how "normal" people think (so I'm learning, at my advanced age), you can't approach any expected-to-be-healthy relationship as sex-first. I don't mean "sex-first" as in "have sex early in the relationship," I mean it as "thinking that it should be the majority of your priority." There are many schools of thought on this. I've read it before: when sex is good in a relationship, it's only 10% of the total relationship, in terms of maintenance, etc. When it's bad or dwindling or non-existent, however, it becomes 90%. That's powerful stuff. When I get into a "sex-first" frame of mind, it kills any potential relationship I may have. This may be more true for me in my current dynamic, as guys my age (mid 40's) have a lot more plumbing problems and are thinking, for the first time in their lives, with something other than their d***. It's disconcerting, but I'm trying to see it their way. I'm just not very good at it. [I also have a very high sex drive, which drives some men away, anyway]

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Where I fail is that I'm the type of Aspie where people's company just doesn't mean that much to me. It's hard for me to "put in the time" only to then have disappointing or no sex.
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But that's me and not the other 99.999999999999% of the world. No one thinks like that (except me), nor should they. So, though this is my mindset, I recognize it as a disrespectful mindset to everyone else. So I no longer date. If this is your issue, if you can break free of the rigidity of this mindset, you'll be a very lucky person. And you will have more success with the ladies. This is the key to empathy.

I have no doubt that you want to be a pleasing lover. Doesn't everyone? And doesn't that desire achieve it, at least in part? Communication is the key. If she can't be honest with you about what's lacking in the sex (as far as her point of view goes) then she's not going to be a good lover in her own right and you should keep looking. This is another thing we (sexual) Aspies need to realize.

The trap I was in for years and years is that I threw too much good effort into things that were never going to work, just because as an Aspie and as a person who found very few people attractive, I found myself extremely limited when it came to chances. So, again, I've now stopped dating until I can remedy this. I hurt too many people, stumbling around like an elephant (metaphorically).

This is roundabout and more than you needed to know about me, but I try to teach in ... parable? Is that the right word?

By the way, when you do ask her stuff, prepare to be disappointed. She will lie through her teeth (she'll even give you a wince-y face) if she even gives you a fairly plausible reason at all (most likely she'll hem and haw and just stop returning your calls and e-mails). It sucks to be on the receiving end of this.

THE SECRET IS TO TRY TO STOP CARING SO MUCH. I wish I had known that 30 years ago. Yet this is another reason why I've stopped dating: if I can't be expected to care so much, then none of it is worth it to me in the end. {Still miss the sex something awful, though}

By the way, when you do ask her stuff, prepare to be disappointed. She will lie through her teeth (she'll even give you a wince-y face) if she even gives you a fairly plausible reason at all (most likely she'll hem and haw and just stop returning your calls and e-mails). It sucks to be on the receiving end of this.

Why should she lie?

After 4 weeks? Really? A woman will eventually come along and explain the problem with this better than I can.

At this point in my journey to get a successful relationship, I feel like I am starting to bottom out in my ability to be successful with women. I have been told that to really give a woman what she wants (and this is different for every woman), I need to be able to know what she is thinking.

Case in point: I have been dating a girl for 6 weeks or so, things are going fine. We have had sex a couple times, but, subsequently, we have been hanging out less than I would like, and she's turned me down for a sex a few times now. We do everything but have sex though, and all signs would indicate that she is sexually attracted to me, and wants to pursue a relationship. Specifically, last night: I make her a great gourmet meal... I look great, smell great, house is clean, atmosphere is great, everything. I haven't seen her in 12 days. We are watching a movie.... we start making out. Everything seems good... I try to initiate sex, and get her to my room. She keeps shaking her head and smiling saying "no" "let's just watch the movie".... eventually I give up. I feel rejected. Doesn't she want me? She leaves early to get some sleep, we kiss passionately, and then she leaves.

Okay, I don't know what she is thinking. I can read body language decently, and guess at what she may be thinking... but mostly my mind draws a blank. It just doesn't work like that.

My inability to read what women are thinking has hurt my chances for years. I am quite frustrated at this point. I wanted to talk about things in the open last night, and say "okay so what's going on? Why don't you want to sleep with me? I go to all this effort and you don't even care?" But, I took the passive approach because I was too stunned at the time and didn't want to say something I would regret, something that would possibly end our relationship then and there. I don't know wtf to do.

On the bright side I am seeing a different girl, and things look bright. I am going to try and hold back on the physical intimacy, hopefully this one turns out differently.

Perhaps she suspected you were out shopping for her replacement already, or at the very least felt that you were not committed to her in any way and lost interest at that point.

Perhaps she suspected you were out shopping for her replacement already, or at the very least felt that you were not committed to her in any way and lost interest at that point.