singleness

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I've been single most of my life. I've only had a few girlfriends and my longest relationship has been about 4 months. I get depressed alot about being single and I've tried so hard to meet people, but it never works out. I've been hurt and rejected so many time that I've given up hope of ever finding anybody. I get frustrated too because it's like everytime I go think there could be a girl who I might be able to have a chance with, she alwyas end up either having a boyfriend or being engaged. I feel so bad because it seems like there's absolutely nobody out there for me and that I'm ther only single person left in this world. I also get jealous of other epople I know who get into relationships so easily while i always struggle so much. My best friend for over 5 years started dating someone and I yelled at him and said I never wanted to see him again. We haven't spoken for months now. As an Aspie, how can I deal with frustration and depression like this? It's so hard. Can anybody whose been through this and has advice give me some?

dating is one of those things that the harder you try the less you succeed. even nt's that worry constantly about it end up single for long periods. the best advice i can give is just do your own thing. find something you like doing and do it, eventually thru complete randomness you will meet someone. its complete chance like roulette. almost infinite options to bet on, you will lose alot, but when you win........you win big.

Give r_a_n_d_o_m advice a go 1 or 2 year, see how it goes. But I would considers his advice dangerous though. Remember the avarage NT will get married, the average aspie will remain single, coasting though life works for an average NT, not for an average aspie.

I know a person who was exectly like this. Anyone could have given him the same advice, but looking deeper we often find that we often our preasuption incoorect. In his situation he was found out to have this disfiguring condition call Aspergers Syndrome which makes him harder to socialise with others.

I think many geeks as well has NTs can come incorrect logical conclusion, it can even happen in the science world. Example: We all know that smoking gives us lung cancer and makes teeth yellow. One could come to the conclution that yellow teeth gives us lung cancer.

Another example. Statistically those who eat seriously stale a maggot infested meat have a considerable chance of dying of malnutrition relative to those do not. So if you don't want to die of malnutrition, no not eat the stale meat, Ja!

Been there.

Done that.

Been mad about it...been depressed. Got into a relationship that lasted for four months with this girl who went to my high school (but we didn't know each other). Dealt with female manipulation...told her I wouldn't put up with it. She apparently didn't care and kept it up. I dropped her like a hot potato.

Just the idea of being in a relationship gives me a desire to go to the nearest wall and engage in

Silly me...I started to get involved again with another woman a few years later who thought she was going to "run" things. She wanted to spend money I didn't have to spend.

I dropped her immediately with no other desire to get into another relationship.

Still, it was a learning experience because I learned that my thinking about relationships is that they feel like an intrusion into my personal space. People often comment about my "bubble." I am unable/unwilling to allow a woman to even think she's going to "run" things when she doesn't know what she's "running" things. I do not "go out" per se (movies, concerts, malls). My weekly routine involves going to meetings and then socializing with those friends at a clubhouse. I also have other friends I gather with over the weekends.

I've been quite happy with this, but it seems to make my co-workers think negatively since it also means I won't date - especially women on the job. I mean, it's not like I'm super HOT or anything - just unavailable.

Since my dad has died, I've cut down on socializing to spend more time with my mother and make sure that she gets out to do what she needs to do.

I thought I wanted to be in an intimate relationship, but somehow I think I just wanted what I thought other people had. After getting to know some people, I found out through their relationship failures that it AIN'T all it's cracked up to be. But there's nowhere for a relationship to go with me - if you're not going to the clubhouse or to one of my associates' house to play cards, there's no point in even being with me. If you're not a part of my other circle, there's no reason for us to be together. Marriage is out of the question.

Plus I'm too rigid and pragmatic in my thinking.

I have discovered over the years, though, that it doesn't stop you from having SEX!

iluvgod, don't think about chasing women.

Concentrate on your own life. Your buddies, your interests, your taste in clothes. Your bank account. Your car or motorcycle.

This might seem counterproductive but if you come across as a strong independent man then you won't have to chase women. They will chase you.

well we the autistic people well, have trouble finding a date and im no exception unfortunately ive had long distance relationships only and i hate it and i hope to have a gf around me soon

Yep.

I love what Wombat said!

VHY can't I say things like that! lol

Naw but, by concentrating on the kinds of things that Wombat has suggested, you begin to learn to make YOU happy! You are the most important person in your life! Do these things NOT in the hope of attracting a woman - do them because they are important for YOU and your daily maintenance! By doing these things, you are taking the focus off of looking for someone else to fulfill you. It would SEEM that if you're looking for someone to be fulfilled by, the WORK of being in a relationship might become overwhelming for that other person. Just as I have been desperate and have also seen women who were clingy and needy, the other person might see you in that light and need to disengage.

I could be wrong, though. But something to think about.

I'm fulfilled enough by the positive people, places, and situations in my life that I've stopped worrying about being single. I'll let those FOOLS at work continue to be angry and stew over it ...

Multiple girlfriends? Age 23?

You're doing alright.

Definitely better than a lot of us (me included)

What is it that would make the women chase you? I mean yeah sure they chase after the calvin klein models, but isn't a woman that chases after a man like you're describing just after money or something?

I guess my point is, I want someone to love me for me, not because I own a car or an apartment or make 6 figures or anything like that...

It's not about money or what you own. Here's my take as a girl in New Jersey.

There are a lot of guys out there who don't have their lives together in any way. You can have a relationship with them, but when you are looking for something serious, it's hard to see a future with someone who doesn't have a future paved for themselves. You can, of course, help them along the way. But you may get accused of trying to change them or may not be on the same page.

It's all about finding a guy who is happy enough with him that he can be happy with someone else. Deep down, if he's miserable or lost, it's going to spill over into the relationship.

The women I know want security. Not financial security (though that's a bonus, I guess). They want someone who is stable and happy with who they are, so they can have the stability of a secure relationship.

...which is VHY it is SO important to do the things that were suggested for oneself - whether you are looking for a relationship or not.

There's a lot about me that is NOT together that I am now trying to sort out under the assumption that I am affected by some condition related to the Spectrum. Being in a Twelve Step program has helped, but WP is really like the icing on the cake. With the tools I have and some help from others, I hope to be able to deal with some of the wreckage of my past and deal with who I am - rather than worrying about what other people think I should be.

A relationship, as you can see, is a NON-PRIORITY. It goes back to making ME the most important person - even IF other people think THAT is being selfish!

Not all women chase after models. Ones on TV shows and movies do, but less "real life" women do than you think. There are some women who are after money, but that's not the same as a woman wanting you to have an apartment or car. It's gold digging versus security. I don't make sure a guy has a car (etc) before I date him, but I want him to have those things before I can be really serious with him. If I'm ever really sick and can't work anymore (or a similar scenario), I want him to be able to help me (assuming we're married, in a LTR, etc).

And it's appealing for a guy to have his own interests and own life (strong and independent doesn't necessarily mean "rich") because then it feels like he wants you for you as opposed to feeling like he's with you because he could "get" you. Maybe you don't see it the same way, but typically people feel like if their significant other's main goal in life is to get a boyfriend/girlfriend then they feel like their significant other is extremely reliant on them, and maybe insecure. I've dated people who felt like they didn't have a lot going on in their life and when it became so focused on me it was uncomfortable. It made me more hesitant to start a relationship, and sometimes trapped once I was in it, which probably partially contributed to the end of it.

It takes more then internal qualities to find love. Or else people would have better luck in dating then NTs. I for sure would have been able to have at least half the relationships that my work collogues take for granted. It requires many resources that many aspie do not have at the moment.

Going back the the point of having a life in order, then I agree. You can make some money in the process.
Making money largely depend on internal qualities.

*Hard work
* Discipline
* Bravery
* patience
* Perseverance

If you work hard in a garden for 20+ living by these qualities, how can a 18 year old tell you how things should be. But when it come to love they sure now it all, they sure do have greater wisdom then a typical aspie.

Is the public transport in New Jersey so efficient that anyone over 20 could have no car and still have a life?

No, But one of the things i do have is a car, so it's irrelevant for me...