No-nonsense advice for young men?

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Mail order brides are not sexbots. They are not immune to the vagaries of the hypergamous instinct.

First of all I want to reiterate this is my opinion only. Mail Order brides are for people who feel all a marriage is based upon is the physical. The emotional connection is totally neglected. I also feel that fellow Aspies should get together. Who knows better how to relate to someone with AS than another person with AS. I also feel that a relationship needs total transparancy. Trying to hide from a NT you might have AS does not work. If you were to have a relationship with a NT woman, I feel honesty is the best policy. I don't mean if you are going to meet someone for drinks that you spill your guts and tell her you have AS but if you meet someone and you are compatible and you both want to develop your relationship further; that's when it should be made known.
As how or where to meet potential dates. try Aspie get-togethers or meet-ups. Try volunteering in some area you are interested in. I feel if a person is solely focused on a relationship, they give off a NEEDY vibe and will be avoided like the plague.

As I look back on my life I try to come up with what I would tell myself as a teenager that might make a difference...

1- Beware of the 'users'. These are the women that pretend to like you in order to get something from you. They always hint, make promises that they never keep, and you'll never be more than an acquaintance to them. In the worst cases these young women will crush your soul with their cruelty because you're simply a way to amuse them. Stand firm in your character and tell them no.

2- Stop trying to be what others expect you to be. You absolutely should try to learn skills to 'fit in' better and that will allow you to thrive later in life such as working on your communication skills but you should never give in and be someone you're not just to be accepted. How people treat you for being different clearly shows you who people of value are (those that accept you as you are) and those that are too shallow to matter. Instead stand firm in who you are. That confidence will attract to you the right person for you and repel the people that are wrong for you.

3- It is only temporary - be future oriented. Grade school-High school was a living hell for me filled with abuse and non-acceptance but once I got out into the real world I saw that all of those shallow people were irrelevant. The 'popular' people peaked early in life and 20 years later still live in the past yearning to relive when they were on top of the world; now they're far from it AND GOING NOWHERE. But people like us are different. We peak much later and go on to create things in the real world; we're different. Your time is coming... PREPARE for it. That means PICK FOCUSES THAT WILL benefit you instead of ones that you can never make a career out of.

4- Stop making such a big deal out of being 'normal'. No one normal ever changed the world. Normal 'sheeple' don't do much of anything meaningful in the world... they don't invent, they don't look at the world and come up with ways to solve it's problems, and they can't focus like you can to stick with something long enough to figure out even the most complex problems. There is nothing special about being normal; there are just far more 'normal' people than there are people like us... that doesn't make them better it just means they have a louder voice. You don't want to be normal... you want to be extraordinary!

5- Failure is good for you only IF you keep going and you try to learn from each failure. Instead of being worried about rejection just do it anyway but don't just forge ahead blindly. Learn from your mistakes but don't let quit. Try again.

6- Face fear and don't let it control you. I wish I had learned this a LOT earlier. I didn't figure out it's benefits until I joined Toastmasters 7 years ago. The simple act of just 'getting up there' and forcing my self to forge ahead in spite of fear changed me in ways that actually make me happy. As I look back I had many times where I backed down from fear... all the times I rode back and forth in front of a girl's house that I liked instead of just asking her out... all of the times I didn't take chances because I was worried of being ridiculed.. if I'd only just did it anyway my life would have been so much better! It would have saved me a LOT of time and I could have been happy a lot sooner.

I could go on and on.. but that's enough for now.

I think the emotional connection could form in time. It's impossible to get that emotional connection if no one is willing to give you a chance. It's been my experience that a lot of the typical advice offered here & most other places does not work for some. Maybe it's because of our individual circumstances or maybe we plain s#ck at taking advice but I do not believe that I am unlovable or bad person or anything. The other option would be for me to completely give up. Trying to get a date has caused me nothing but problems & I am a hell of a lot better off sense I quit trying

Last edited by nick007 on 03 Apr 2011, 10:29 am, edited 1 time in total.

First of all don't talk to women your really hot after first. Get used to the waters by just learning conversation. My son talks with every girl, cashiers, waitresses and coworkers. He dresses geeky, wears glasses. Very respectable and courteous. He is not aspie but everyone has to start somewhere. When he chatted with the cashier I thought it sounded stupid but she eventually warmed to him and started sharing something about herself. This was like maybe three minutes or less and then we were out the door. He has been turned down too but isn't crushed about it cause he is comfortable and there are other girls who will find him interesting.

I struggled with finding someone to be with for a LONG LONG LONG time. I know it seems impossible to find someone here that will accept you but it is not. You may have to bend a little to get past the the first few dates but there is someone out there who will appreciate who you are if only you believe in yourself. Get comfortable in your own skin and don't try so hard. It is the desperateness and lack of self confidence that repels women the most.
I know that sounds cliche but it is true.

I fail to see how desperateness and lack of self confidence would repel women because I am more attracted to women who are more desperate & less confident. I'm NOT trying to sound rude here but this feel-good advice is a an example of the typical advice I get that is of no help to me

the whole PUA thing has been hit or miss and at the end of the day it's just not me. But it did teach me that rejection isn't the end of the world and that it's gonna happen so just get over it. As someone stated above just talk to any girl you can, in fact make it a point to talk to 5 new girls a day, even if you don't have that much of an attraction to them. Perfect example yesterday on my way to work at a stop light I noticed 2 younger girls driving the same car I do(white MKIV VW Jetta) and I glanced over to look at the car since I happen to like the car hence why I drive one. Well As I was looking at the car I happen to make eye contact with the driver she kinda smiled at me as I looked to the cross light to see if it was going to change soon. As I was looking at the light she pulled her car up so that our front windows were across from each other so I just started talking to her and her friend. The conversation lasted no more then 2 mins then the light changed and we were on our way. Before trying the whole PUA artist thing I would have been to scared to even say anything to these girls but after being turned down by girls and having success with them another small chat like that is just a drop in the bucket.

I did that too... did NOT turn out well. Oh there's nothing 'feel good' about it other than you will feel better about your self and naturally be more attractive to more women. Those women used me to feel better about them selves by DUMPING ME in a rather public and humiliating way or in other cases by using me to get to the boys they really wanted (the proverbial best friend)... I hope that strategy works better for you.

I spent *ALOT* of time learning to do this in my 20s. I'm no pro and can still have the "active but odd" vibe but I can certainly get women.

1) Experience is king. If you arent trying, you won't improve. From early to late 20s was like night and day for me.

2) Be prepared to take the lumps. NT men have to take them as well. You'll just need to take a few more because you can't read people well and will miss more often.

3) Be where the women are to hone your skills. I suppose serial online dating might also work but you want to have the fundamentals of comfort talking to women down as well. That takes volume and experience. It's a foundational skill.

4) Swallow your pride and take the hits. Making a pass and fumbling it is not the worst thing in the world.

5) You'll develop your own style in time. Don't try to follow any approach too literally. Experience will tell you what works for you.

This may sound messed-up but if she would be better off or happier for being with me even if it ended very badly like that; I wouldn't regret it

Not sure if I've seen such a thread. A link might help

Now that's just pathetic. You are pedestalizing. STOP IT!

i agree with this. i also have some advice for either sex.

it is important to maintain your own sense of self-worth. build up your confidence by getting as good as you can at some activity that you love (ANYTHING, even a model railroad or flying kites or rebuilding computers), so that you always have something positive and fulfilling in your life. then the rejections don't matter so much, and you appear much more stable and confident to a woman. this may not help you to actually meet women, but it will help you to be stronger in the absence of a woman. then a woman becomes a positive addition to a solid life, as opposed to a crutch.

the PUA mentality will probably work at picking up some types of women, but it is frankly dishonest (just as bad as the female 'users' who were mentioned a few posts ago). if you want to avoid female users, it is a good idea to avoid becoming a user too. the PUA way is not the path to a mutually fulfilling and satisfying love life.

showing a woman that you are interested in *her* (during a conversation for example) seems to be hard for aspies. we are so intent on communicating what we want to say or wanting so much to share stuff about ourselves that i think we forget to listen and ask questions sometimes. try to keep an approximately 50/50 ratio of listening and talking.

on the flip side, if you have trouble keeping up a topic of conversation or tend to feel too awkward, you will want to practice your skills. one technique i cultivated as a teenager on dates or at parties (i never wanted to go, and would bring crosswords, but i knew i needed some occasional interaction) was asking people deep philosophical questions or quirky questions. this allowed them to really think about stuff, and they would talk at length - that way i was off the hook a little and could listen and be interested in their opinions without having to speak very much myself. it required initiative and it really annoyed a few people, but most people LOVED it.

Not exactly. I feel better when I feel useful & helping others

May as well try it if you don't care if you get used.