My Aspieness is interfering with my relationship

Post Reply New Topic

So, we've hit a snag (or mountain, possibly).

My bf of 6 years is quite close to his family, most of whom live close by, and for the most part, I really like them. However, (and I'm not pointing fingers - it's just a difference) they are very random and unstructured in their planning of "get together" events, and during said events, I tend to get very overwhelmed and frustrated with the lack of structure. I try to attend as often as possible (his mom stated at the beginning of our relationship that attendance is important), but after an hour or so of completely random nonsense rather than execution of plans, I become very stressed and usually end up leaving the situation to go home.

My SO informed me a couple of weeks ago that he felt like he was always making excuses to his family for me, as well as to me for his family (which I disagree with, as they are who they are and I'm okay with them), and that my behavior is unacceptable. He feels that we are incompatible because of this, so I removed myself from the situation and moved out of town (not too far). It is not my nature to give ultimatums when family is involved.

We have since seen my counselor together, and she is trying to help us find, idk, a middle ground? She has suggested some steps for me to take to try to adjust to the randomness I know is inevitable, while explaining to him (in better terms than I can offer) how my Asperger's affects my ability to deal with it. Also, it is apparently the only major issue my bf and I have, from his viewpoint.

My counselor advised advance visualization of the typical situation and a personal watch on my thought processes during the "panic - gotta go" time. I'm looking for more coping mechanisms, if they can be offered.

I recognize that my problems are because of a lack of structure to the "plans", but I don't know how to adjust to it (lack of structure).

Q: Do any of you have suggestions on how I can prepare/cope with the randomness? They're nice people, and I especially don't wish to see my very valuable and loving relationship crumble over this aspect.

I wish I could help you...but I don't really know myself..I have poor coping skills in that regard..I generally panic.

Makes me want to watch fools rush in, lol.

This may not be very helpful but you are always going to be you. You can change little by little, but in the end you have to decide whether its worth it. You can end in his life, but I doubt his family will... Personally when someone draws a line in the sand on me I usually step over it and walk away, although my resolve may be shaken afterwards it usually ends up just as it did when I left.

I've had to deal with similar issues -- I think(?) But, before I can be sure, could you give us some examples of this "randomness"?

Do you two go to events that don't have a clear focus to begin with (e.g., family barbeque)? Or do you two go to events where the focus is changed a little from that originally stated (e.g., Trivial Pursuit night at home changes to going out to a movie)? Or do you two go to events where basically anything goes (e.g., Easter dinner morphs into cross country motorcycle trip)?

I guess I need some specific examples -- that would help a lot.

I'm sorry, I'm not sure I understand your current situation. Were you living with your bf? Did your bf end your relationship over this issue? Are you living temporarily somewhere else, or did you pick up and move everything you had? Who had the idea to attend counseling? Do you mind revealing approximately how old you two are?

In my very first SO relationship I had the excact same issue. Her family had totaly random and unplanned get togethers that I hated. I also hated the sheduled ones. We ended up breaking up over that and other issues. Nice family and everything. But the random social get togethers really got to me. At the time I had no idea I had AS.

Does your SO know about your AS? If not maybe you could tell him and he may be more understanding and see where you are coming from. That could help.

I am not sure how things are unstructured. When we go to events like that, I just sit down the the computer and do my thing or use my ebook or play my Nintendo DS. I am always expecting they will be sitting around and visiting.

Also can your bf tell his family you have AS so they understand you better and not make any false assumptions?

I just pick up a good book and start reading in those situations. If someone approaches me, I'll happily converse with them, but the book just gives me something to keep my occupied through the more entropic aspects of social gatherings.

That is my usual M.O., as well. However, I'm trying to change that personal norm and find a compromise in this situation because I've invested so much time, emotion and dedication to it.

I know the feeling, "be the better person, put in some effort". Even after feeling that I've always found that I am just myself, no manner of willpower can change me to suit someone else, and no manner of love can change that other person for me. Compromise's perhaps. But then again you should get a less negative opinion and take a few steps prior to listening to me.

The most helpful thing I've been told was from a very loving/successful couple. She simply told me "Relationships are a series of compromises, all us being together means is that we are both willing to put up with the other ones s***."

No horrible breakups, no trying to change the other person. Just acceptance... the guy was a carpenter vegetarian Buddhist, and the girl was a meat loving atheist business woman.

Primarily statement B. I am told we're to go meet them at X time and that we'll be doing C (like going out to eat). When we arrive, we end up waiting around doing little until everyone else in the group finished chattering. When we finally get to the 'event', I'm already starting to become frustrated and am quite ready to go home, afterward. Instead, the milling about begins again, and if I can't escape it, I get panicked.



Yes, we have been living together for most of our relationship. ATM, I'm not sure at all if living elsewhere will be temporary or permanent, which also messes with my head. I was already in counseling for employment issues, so it seemed logical to use my current therapist for the relationship counseling because she understands AS, and my bf agreed.

I'm 46., He's 45.


Yes, he's been aware of it from the beginning. This just happens to be the first issue arising from it in the relationship, and we're both having trouble grasping it.



He can, but he can't make them decide to *want* to understand me better any more than I could.

@League_Girl and Ambrose_Rotten
Bringing something with me to keep me occupied during the unstructured times sounds like a great option, and there have been times when I knew the randomness was going to happen. I'll have to make a point of bringing something in case even when I'm told there will be structure.

Thanks for the input, all!

This, to them, is actually a very important part of "doing C." It's just that it's an unwritten, unannounced, unscheduled part. I know how frustrating and agonizingly time consuming all this other (what seems to us) nonsense is, but it's important to them. Probably a lot more important than what we would consider the main event -- picking up fork, stabbing at chicken for 20 minutes, wiping face with napkin, and saying goodnight. I find myself in this situation all the time with my girlfriend's family. How can dinner at their place start at 3:00 in the afternoon and end at 11:00?!? Well, it just can. My girlfriend doesn't particularly enjoy it either. But, we understand that it's part of being a family, having a family, etc. -- which is something we do want, even if 8-hour dinners are not. An attitude of "what can I do to make this event better for girlfriend's parents" -- and then always being on the lookout for ways to make things better -- has helped A TON. It's a way to forget yourself and how truly agonizing this is. Now, that's not as unselfish as it sounds. It's a kind of selfish unselfishness. When I tried to enjoy these events on my own terms, according to my own rules, I failed. When I stopped trying to enjoy them, and started trying to help other people enjoy them (even going so far as to pretend that I had been hired for the job), things almost by magic got much better. The details are obviously event-specific, so it's hard to give general rules, but maybe it's clear? Whatever the situation, the more I've done this, the better I've gotten at it, and the more I'm genuinely enjoying spending time -- even wildly out of control amounts of unstructured time -- with these folks.

OP, the above is just awesome insight and advice. It outlines a way to approach compromise that seems successful for all, and palatable as well. Along the lines of compromise, have you, your bf and his family actually all sat down to talk about your situation, your diagnosis, and how their events trigger some negative responses for you? While @RainingRoses provides an excellent example of how to approach compromise, it seems like his family should understand that Asperger's isn't some kind of sweater you can just leave at home when you visit them - they should be willing to make some changes as well.

Also, @League_Girl's suggestion about planning to keep yourself occupied is also spot on. I had a close friend who was married to a man who had two children with an ex-wife. My friend turned herself inside out trying to foresee every way his ex-wife (who was nutty) would act out, and tried to create circumstances in which she couldn't find anything crazy to do. I finally told her that the only thing she could count on was that his ex-wife would always find a way to act up (cause that's what crazy people do), so she should just live her life. When she accepted that, she was much happier. My point is, even with some compromising on their part, your bf's family are who they are. If you accept that every event is going to be the way you've described - and plan to occupy yourself in ways that lessens the stress - you'll probably be happier in the long run. Good luck.

I think that's why it works so well: it's totally win-win, "successful for all." No one is ever going to fight you for the "privilege" of being the person, at a dinner party for example, who takes and organizes coats, sets the table, peels and chops, refills drinks, watches the game with the crazy uncle, takes all the kids outside to play for an hour, washes the dishes, etc. This makes sense for me because I'm heavily task-driven and success-oriented; but, most of all because I don't want to chit-chat! And it works for them because these are things that no one really wants to do. And somehow I come out of it looking like a hero when all I was trying to do was just get through it! No one's ever going to say, "how rude ... he's in there all alone polishing the silver"(!) -- and that kinda sums it all up. You don't even have to memorize a long list of things to keep you occupied -- especially given the fact that your family activities may well change frequently. Just remembering to ask yourself (repeatedly), "what could I do to be of help right this second?" is enough. The answer is usually glaringly obvious. "Find a job to do" has become my m.o.

Now, although it probably sounds like it, I'm not suggesting that you turn yourself into "the help" or to do every one of these things every time you get together. But, all of these things (and a hundred more) need doing at a typical family gathering -- and someone is going to do them. What I'm saying is that they represent opportunities to participate without having to navigate uncomfortable social situations in an improvised way -- and without resorting to hiding away in a corner with a book or your iPod, which it sounds like would not go over well with this family at all.

To all who've responded since my last post:
Thank you! I do enjoy playing "hostess", making sure everyone is comfortable physically, at least, and I can use this during these situations to a degree. I have done so in the past when it was a dinner at the parents house and it went well. In situations where we're going out, I'll make sure to bring my crochet or a puzzle book to keep me busy. His mom seems to have an innate understanding of my personality (knows I'm not a great conversationalist), and will sometimes engage the group in games I can participate in. This is always helpful, too. Maybe I can suggest that when she doesn't?

This weekend, communication issues between my bf and myself were brought to light, as well. This will be our point of discussion at our next counseling session.

He decided last night to end it. I am broken, and would welcome death if I only had the balls to do it.

perhaps this belongs in a different forum.....