I am so depressed! what is this? anyone can help??

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Help with this roller coaster please
This is a bit long story but I am so desperate...I don't know what to do.....I am feeling depressed.
I met this guy online oner year ago (I am European and he is Australian). We were talking on Skype every second day for 4 months and we both were looking for the same: a serious relationship that could end up in marriage and children. He is 47 and I am 39. None of us had been married before.

After talking for 4 months he came over to Europe to meet me and we spent 3 weeks. Everything went fine apart from the strange fact that we never had any physical contact, sex during those 3 weeks. After another 2 months I went to Australia to live with him as we both agreed.

When I arrived in Australia he did not treat me as a partner at all. He did very strange things, such as sitting by himself on the couch separate from me. I would ask him if he could sit down next to me and he used to say: "I have been living by myself for 10 years and this is what I am used to doing". Many times he said no. When trying to kiss him he would tell me I was very demanding and I had high expectations, we would always go with friends but rarely by ourselves. In social events he would disappear and leave me alone considering I was new in the country and I didn't know anyone. We didn't have sex whether on the 3 weeks he visited me first and it took about 5 weeks till we had the first sexual interaction. Sex used to be so infrequent and I was always demanding it. I found really strange that he didn't have sex with me but masturbated in front of me from the very beginning. I found that so hurtful. He used to say that he was used to living by himself and he was not used to having someone with him. He used to say that he needed his privacy and space. While eating he wouldn't even have a conversation with me and many times he would finish eating and leave the table while I hadn't even finished.

Everything came to him being used to being by himself. Everytime I tried to talk about the issues he would become very defensive and end up accussing me of being demanding.

I had to organise a visa to stay in Australia after my first tourist visa expired. He never helped me with anything. I was trying to do a course and I had to look for the courses, apply for the visa, and do everything myself. Every time I talked to him he would get angry and aggressive. I needed to change the date on my air ticket and when I asked him which date to choose he would get angry and ignore me.

I was so tempted to leave so many times and I packed my clothes in the suitcase. My clothes were packed for 2 months out of the 4 and 1/2 that I spent there. Not once did he ask me to unpack and stay. Many times when I told him that I was leaving he would ask me to please not go and 3 days later he would tell me: "I think it is better you go". I kept changing my air ticket date because one day he asked me to stay and another to go.

At 48 years of age he used to call his mother to tell her everything and ask for advice and in fact he brought his mother to the flat so often to deal with things. His mother and I would talk and he would go away.

I know he is taking anti depressants and I think he has suffered from depression for years. I also noticed from the very beginning when I met him that he takes Paracetamol every single day (at least 4 tablets a day).

He hit me in a couple of ocassions and at the end he said that he would travel with me to my country which he did. The reason he gave is that if I left by myself the relationship would be over whereas if he came with me the doors were open. Stupid me I believed him. He came to Europe for 3 weeks and for the 3 weeks I kept asking what was going to happen. He always said he didn't know and never gave me answers. The last day came before he left and he told me he loved me and that we would be together again and that he could see a future for us together. He also said that we would be in touch. He returned to his country and just after arriving he said he is very confused and he is not clear.

While communicating, he hung up the phone on me, he would say he would send me emails or sms but he didn't. I was being driven crazy. He would say: "I will send you an email tomorrow" and then nothing. We would be talking on the phone and he said he would be back in 5 minutes and he didn't and I contacted him so many times desperately looking for an explanation or answer. Bottom line: we haven't communicated for 1 month now. I don't really know if it is finished, he hasn't even said it is over or good bye, nothing.
Anyone can help? with any advice?

I have been researching and think he might have a personality disorder or something but I don't know.

Thanks

You may well have been told this before, but my advice would be ... forget him. It's not worth investing that much time and effort into someone who doesn't reciprocate. You deserve better.
It's true he might have a personality disorder. Alternatively, he may just be a self-absorbed a**hole - but either way this doesn't sound like a healthy dynamic, at all. You say he hit you on a couple of occasions - isn't that enough of a warning sign? If you want the closure he doesn't seem to want to give you you could just send him an e-mail saying you're not interested anymore.

Last edited by Locustman on 23 Jun 2011, 10:54 am, edited 1 time in total.

First off, I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry you're hurting.

I read your post and I kept thinking while you were describing his behavior that he's a very spoiled and self-centered guy. He wants to have you as a girlfriend, but not act like a good boyfriend. He wants to continue living his life completely on his terms without regard to your feelings. People HAVE TO give in a relationship or someone is going to suffer.

I think being in his 40's he's just completely set in his ways, he wants you to be there for him but allow him to keep his life exactly the same; leaving you lonely.

Communication is really important too. I'm an aspie and I know that when people don't let me know how they feel or what's going on (kind of letting me know openly exactly how things are) I feel so confused and frustrated.

I really try hard not to offend people, I hope I haven't hurt you in any way saying what I have. I just really feel for you. You seem like a very giving, kind hearted person and it bothers me that you aren't with a man that's willing to be a caring partner for you.

I think if he hasn't contacted you in a while you should take it as a sign that he wasn't the right guy for you.

I hope you find someone great really soon. ~Hugs to you~

Thanks for your empathy.

I am really depressed. I have had other relationships before, the last two bad ones, but no one had ever treated me like this. We haven't communicated in 1 month and he left 2 and 1/2 months ago. He came with me back to Europe for 3 weeks because according to him if I left by myself the relationship was over whereas if he came with me the doors were open. To me nothing made sense but I let him come with me. When he left he said he loved me and that we would be together again and would buy a house, etc.....then he returned to his country and after 2 days he writes an email saying that not trusting his own instints he consulted with family members (the mother) and that he realised the difficulties we had (ha ha...."we"). Then we would be talking on the phone and he would hang up on me or tell me that he had to answer his mobile and would be back in 5 minutes and never came back. He told me he woudl send sms or emails but he didn't. I kept calling him desperatly looking fro an answer and he kept ignoring me.

His last email a month ago read as follows:


"I do want to say that I never had any intention to hurt you or anything like that.
This has been a very sad episode for me as well. I can not help it if we had different expectations of each other..because we are two different individuals with different backgrounds.
Unfortunately ,I was not used to having another person sharing a life in my flat,and you were far away from your family & support network here in sydney,which made you feel vulnerable.
I do feel very bad that you are suffering."

Since then I haven't heard from him and I stopped contacting him as I cannot even get an answer.

So he was an inhospitable @$$ to you after you flew halfway around the world to visit him and he hit you...a few times.

Why in the world would you want to be with a guy like that when there are millions of better men in the world?

Well, you can start by enjoying the tremendous relief you should be feeling. You are extremely lucky that you wasted months and not years with this guy. Relish the fact that you can move on now. Your story didn't even start off well -- and then it just got worse and worse until you said this --v


You two are done. Total deal-breaker for anyone. Congratulations on saving yourself. Now, please stay saved, OK?

He hit you? That should end it right there.

He does not deserve you or any woman.