The loneliness I've felt....
26 Jun 2011, 3:22 am
...feels greater than the ocean. I'm sure other avoidant or love-shy people on here can relate.
My whole life up to now has just been loneliness, depression, anxiety, paranoia, mixed in with an un-healthy dose of denial and withdrawal to keep me alive and sane.
I have never had a girlfriend, or even come anywhere close. The only times I have kissed girls was when we both were drinking.
I had my first crush on a girl when I was 11, and was never able to do anything about it and I still haven't managed to.
I missed out on everything in high school, and college. Where exactly am I? I have no clue. Who am I? At my age, its understood that you are supposed to have a VERY CLEAR picture at this point. Something is very wrong with you if your just "not there yet".
I am only just beginning right now to start maturing, and realizing that I do have enough power and confidence to start changing myself. Baby steps are better than nothing, and that will have to do.
But wtf how can I just be myself, when my past has just been loneliness and depression. How would that not turn every potential girlfriend away if I was just to express my emotions and what I have been through?
I still don't have anything going for me. I just don't see myself actually being confident in trying to attract girls without anything productive going on. I have a job and a car and that is it literally. I play music, but I have failed so bad in all those years in college to actually network and externalize my passion. I have done nothing with my interests.
I am just kinda like WtF. Who am I, what is up with my life, and where do I go. What do I do.
I mean obviously, f*****g obviously I was never meant to have anywhere near a normal life. Having an inborne temperament, and a low-anxiety threshold, AS(95% sure I have it, 100% positive not NT or anything anywhere near close), love-shy, avoidant social anxiety, maybe OCD, low self-confidence. OBVIOUSLY THIS ISNT ALL JUST A COINCIDENCE. I mean obviously my life was supposed to go in a different.........
obviously I need to walk down a different road than everybody else, but the problem is, it doesn't feel like I have even taken 1 step yet.
26 Jun 2011, 6:34 pm
That's actually a great start and at only 23, you have your whole life ahead of you to figure this stuff out and get your feet on solid ground.
No, I don't think it would turn every potential girlfriend away. Most women have been through tough challenges in their own lives, too. I'm not sure if it's a mind-blindness thing or what it is, but it seems many people with Asperger's tend to feel they are the only ones struggling with these types of issues. More often than some of us realize, though, behind a lot of polished, pulled together-looking people, there can be a lot of hurt.
The thing with sharing these sides of yourself with a potential girlfriend is just doing it once there is a certain level of emotional intimacy and trust established. I wouldn't advise you to wear vulnerability on your sleeve or to share things like that when you've only recently met a girl, but eventually it can be safe to with the right person. Of course, for people with AS it can be hard to tell when it is okay to share personal stuff, though, and I understand that. I guess I'd say that, when in doubt, wait until a girl starts sharing more about herself with you and letting her guard down a bit, before you put yourself out there.
Actually, if you have a college education, a job and a car, you're already doing a lot better than many guys out there. I mean, a lot of people are really struggling in this horrible economy and you should give yourself credit.
I can relate to what you're saying about not doing much with your interests, so much so that it kind of hurts. For me, it's mainly writing, but also a few other interests, too, that have fallen by the wayside for me. I don't know what to say about that one, other than that sometimes life kind of gets away from us sometimes and that you aren't alone. And, if you hang around these forums frequently, you'll probably see you aren't alone in almost anything you said in your post.
27 Jun 2011, 1:05 am
That's actually a great start and at only 23, you have your whole life ahead of you to figure this stuff out and get your feet on solid ground.
No, I don't think it would turn every potential girlfriend away. Most women have been through tough challenges in their own lives, too. I'm not sure if it's a mind-blindness thing or what it is, but it seems many people with Asperger's tend to feel they are the only ones struggling with these types of issues. More often than some of us realize, though, behind a lot of polished, pulled together-looking people, there can be a lot of hurt.
The thing with sharing these sides of yourself with a potential girlfriend is just doing it once there is a certain level of emotional intimacy and trust established. I wouldn't advise you to wear vulnerability on your sleeve or to share things like that when you've only recently met a girl, but eventually it can be safe to with the right person. Of course, for people with AS it can be hard to tell when it is okay to share personal stuff, though, and I understand that. I guess I'd say that, when in doubt, wait until a girl starts sharing more about herself with you and letting her guard down a bit, before you put yourself out there.
Actually, if you have a college education, a job and a car, you're already doing a lot better than many guys out there. I mean, a lot of people are really struggling in this horrible economy and you should give yourself credit.
I can relate to what you're saying about not doing much with your interests, so much so that it kind of hurts. For me, it's mainly writing, but also a few other interests, too, that have fallen by the wayside for me. I don't know what to say about that one, other than that sometimes life kind of gets away from us sometimes and that you aren't alone. And, if you hang around these forums frequently, you'll probably see you aren't alone in almost anything you said in your post.
I actually didn't finish college. But so what I feel that even, having a job, having a car still don't mean anything. None of that gives me confidence, and I don't think it gives anyone else confidence either.
What gives someone confidence? Thats quite the question. I don't think there is a single answer, but its clear the kinds of personality traits, hobbies & activities, look and attitudes of people who are confident. Or at least appear confident in a social way, and date and actually have lives.
Telling me that those people might not really be confident deep down inside doesn't help me or anyone else here at all because they at least aren't crippled socially and date....but anyways back to the topic....
I can't really say what exactly would make me feel confident. It just feels so far away. It really does feel like there is something missing inside me. I don't know if I can ever feel confident. I mean there are alot of personality traits associated with AS and Avoidant personality....etc I could go on forever naming this and that BUT POINT IS THErE IS A f*****g REASON WHY I AM the wAY I AM!! !! !! THere is a reason why I don't have the confidence most other guys do assuming we are talking about a "Normal" average median confidence, not even the actual REALLY Confident guys who are at the top.
I'm not doing better than most of the guys out there. I might be doing better than them in responsibilities, independent live, managing bills, but moving outside those skills, I'm actually doing far worse. There are guys living at home, high schoolers, who are over those insecurities that I still have.
27 Jun 2011, 8:28 am
Well, it's a shame you feel that way because all I was trying to do was be helpful. I really get the impression that you've made up your mind about how you want to view your situation, so I won't push the topic, but I do wish you the best and hope you can work through what you're dealing with.
27 Jun 2011, 2:08 pm
Well, it's a shame you feel that way because all I was trying to do was be helpful. I really get the impression that you've made up your mind about how you want to view your situation, so I won't push the topic, but I do wish you the best and hope you can work through what you're dealing with.
I wasn't really referring to anything you said. I don't think that is what you were trying to say anyways. You might have said something a little similar....BUT that is kind of the advice/statements that people think helps to say. When in fact it really doesn't......It wasn't directed at you.
10 Jul 2011, 12:45 pm
Yeah man i can relate to what you are saying 100 % . I have been on and off that road many times , though more on than off really . The first realtionship i had only lasted six months , and i ended it . Out of my own emotional distress and low self esteem i felt i couldn't continue on with it . I was suffering from panic/ anxiety attacks almost everyday ( i'm still trying to cope ) . I had quit my job , and stopped driving all together ( just a plain fear of being behind the wheel of a car ) . The whole depression thing i got so use too now , its almost like i seek comfort and solitude in it . That's just the surface of my pathetic life . So since i'm the same age as you , i don't have any real answers . I'm just saying were almost in the same boat .
