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Please help! What to do now with suspect-Aspie guy I like!?

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FLgirlwonders
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05 Sep 2011, 9:09 am

Thanks for the insights Wayne, you have no idea how much I appreciate it! I'm scared to death, but figure if I have the tough conversation with him (just have to figure out how to get in front of him, don't think this is the right thing to text about. Or would someone who responds better in writing actually prefer that?) the worst he can say is "sorry, nope, not that into you" or "I just don't want a relationship,etc" and then at least I know. And if he says otherwise, then that's good! I think that you're right that I'm hoping a typical reaction all of a sudden -- and that won't come. Least it hasn't yet, not with anything I've seen out of him, so why should it now? Will see!



Wayne
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05 Sep 2011, 9:29 am

FLgirlwonders wrote:
Thanks for the insights Wayne, you have no idea how much I appreciate it! I'm scared to death, but figure if I have the tough conversation with him (just have to figure out how to get in front of him, don't think this is the right thing to text about. Or would someone who responds better in writing actually prefer that?) the worst he can say is "sorry, nope, not that into you" or "I just don't want a relationship,etc" and then at least I know. And if he says otherwise, then that's good! I think that you're right that I'm hoping a typical reaction all of a sudden -- and that won't come. Least it hasn't yet, not with anything I've seen out of him, so why should it now? Will see!


Text might be too short. But then again I've never been a fan of text messages and a lot of people seem to like them, so I might be off-base here. Perhaps an email?

My wife started our relationship by making out with me out of the blue... you may or may not want to try that. Even after she did, there was a months-long period of ambivalence about the whole thing... I wanted a relationship, but this one didn't feel like or proceed like I'd been led to expect, so I wondered if maybe she wasn't "the one". 20 years later... well, there doesn't seem to be any such thing as "the one" as I'd been expecting, but we do love each other and take good care of each other and life is good most of the time, so we must be doing something right.

Maybe sit right next to him, smile, and send him your text and see what he does. That might be cute.

After that... you still might need to give some explanations and have some patience as your new boyfriend goes right on doing things that don't mesh with the way you naturally expect a boyfriend to behave. Or you might need to break it off and move on if y'all end up just too far apart in abilities and expectations and so forth. There ain't no guarantees. But so far he does seem at least interested, and you are too, so why not give it a shot?



FLgirlwonders
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12 Sep 2011, 1:10 pm

An update for my much appreciate advice-givers...no direct ask on my part yet, although I did get an invitation over this past Saturday. His way of asking was to say "having people over later if you're bored" Guess that's his way of not putting himself too much out there? Either that or he really doesn't care if I'm there or not? Then I'd think he wouldn't say anything at all. Anyhow, I went with the intention of having a direct conversation about what I was thinking, but his 4 friends were there so I figured that it wasn't the right time. I had a good time, texted him yesterday and just said "thanks for having me over, I like hanging out with you". Didn't hear from him. So now I know I really need to ask a direct question. Here's what I was thinking of saying, just wondering if it's direct enough?...

"So, I’ve been thinking. And I’m not always good at saying what I’m thinking, but here goes. I like you. Like hanging out with you. I’d like to keep doing that and have the chance to know you better. Not in the “smother you, spend every waking free moment with you” kind of way, we’re both far too busy for that. I mean just in a regular way, hang out, see what happens kind of way. Just wondered if you felt at all the same way? Crazy idea? Or not so crazy?"

Feedback welcomed!



limeginger
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12 Sep 2011, 5:43 pm

Here's my question for you -- did you have sex with him after hanging out with him and his friends? If not, it seems like he honestly likes to have you around, and to hang with you, He definitely likes you as a person. If you did have sex with him, my next question is---regardless of what his "deal" is (Asperger's or lazy guy bootycall/casual companionship or a**hole), is that *really* enough for you? That's where I came to with the guy (also fr Florida) who I was tying myself in knots over. To me---and I have felt this way solidly for 2-3 wks now---it doesn't matter what his situation or malady or whatever is: it feels kinda shi|tty and I was anxious/nervous/waaaaay out of whack with this guy.

I ---and this is MY life---don't want to be feeling chronically anxious and jittery and off-balance in my life. Due to guy or job or living situation or whatever. I want to be calm, relatively happy, centered, and ok. Knowing this guy and having him in my life (for whatever reason--granted that he's great in many ways) does not make me feel that way. It makes me feel ungrounded and uncentered. For me, I decided, if being with someone leads to my feeling that way, time to stop it. And with that realization, a peace came over me, and I no longer care. I don't mean that in like a "Hmph! I don't care" way --- I simply felt peace and am detached from the whole thing.

best of luck



bruinsy33
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13 Sep 2011, 12:39 am

FLgirlwonders wrote:
I'm hoping for some feedback on a situation that has me a little confused. Last year, from June-Dec, I "dated" a guy who I suspected has Aspergers. Spent every Saturday night for those months hanging out with him and his couple of best friends (he's a late 30s never been married type), usually at his house, drinking beer and watching sports. I was usually the initiator of texts, activities. Then all of a sudden in december I got a text from him saying "I don't know if hanging out is going to be an option again." I sent a text back saying I like him, liked being around him and that he knew where to find me if that ever changed. I backed off. We kept in touch, just by text occasionally, just chatty stuff. I never asked what he was up to, if he wanted to do anything. Fast forward 8 months to last saturday and I texted about something silly and how I had not much going on to be thinking about that, and he responded, then sent another text saying "we're over here hanging out if you want to come. I know that this is a surprise." I knew I should say no, but I really like him so I went. Had fun, hung out, he took me with him to other friends' house (people I'd never met before). He seemed more attentive and talkative than I remember, but it's been 8 months! At the end of the evening he said, "thanks for coming over", I said "thanks for asking, but why did you?" and his response was "it's something I've been thinking about for a few weeks, but I'm not very good at that kind of thing." What does that mean? Why after 8 months (and trust me, a booty call has crossed my mind, but he never seemed all that driven by that sort of thing )What should I do now? Should I keep doing what I was doing (not asking, just occasionally keep in touch), or be direct and ask more probing questions (but I don't want to scare him off, I like him!)?? Help!
From what you have written a relationship with you doesn't seem to be a high priority for him ..If he has AS, I can perhaps understand his desire not to want to take you out to dinner that sort of thing but I would assume he would want to tell his buddies to find someplace else to hang out instead of watching sports at his place every Saturday night..It also wasn't very polite to not really give you an explanation as to why he didn't want to continue the relationship.How are you supposed to take it when he says ''I don't know if hanging out is going to be an option again''?..From my perspective it seems like that's all it was ''hanging out''.



FLgirlwonders
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19 Sep 2011, 12:05 pm

Update! Well, I asked. In person did not work out, so I sent a text that said (basically), "I like you. I like hanging out with you. I'd like to have the chance to know you better, not in the smother you kind of way, just in a regular, hang out, see what happens kind of way. Would you do that?" And his answer was..."probably" How should I take that? Other than noncomittal, but in a more positive way than a maybe?



limeginger
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14 Apr 2012, 5:07 am

So, FLgirlwonders, whatever happened with you and the guy you posted about?

I ended up getting involved again with the guy with Asperger's I'd mentioned, and it ended again. Just curious whether your situation fared any better :)