I wish I could say this to him

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Thank you! I'd let you!


Exactly. I've noticed a lot of that. I've come to believe that, if you're an NT partner, and you haven't had to endure a good deal of the same judgment, criticism, ostracism, and unfairness that your Aspie has, you're doin' it wrong. I don't come here to get a group consensus. I come here to find "a few good men" who can relate to my guy, and give me a push in the right direction.

He once said that he is afraid of scrambling my brains, which may be another reason I don't hear from him more often. But, all else aside, my moments of despondency and confusion are my issue. He didn't reach out and create them on purpose. I can't help being an NT, and used to NT relationships, plus I bring insecurities and old wounds of my own to the table, just like anyone else. I wish he could do more for me right now - hell, I wish I could do more for him - but all in good time. I think the fact that he always circles back to me is a good sign. He also said no when his ex-wife begged him to come back - despite his attachment to the kids. He has a survival instinct, and an idea of what he does and does not want.

Meanwhile, there are all kinds of positive things I can think about, positive things I can do to cope. I lost my way for a while, but who doesn't? I'm experimenting with all kinds of things to get myself back on track - and "giving up" is just not an option. This has been going on for years. He is only just now reaching a point where he can really contemplate moving on to a new life, while still having to integrate elements of the old one. All indications are that he is serious about this is I am - it's just that there are so many people involved, so many unknowns and variables, he's prone to freaking out. When he freaks out, he hurts me. He doesn't want to hurt me, so he disappears for a while. Neither option is great, but he can't change what he is either.


Heh! Grad school, trying to figure this guy out. I got much more of an education than I ever bargained for! I defended him and told the naysayers to shove it. But the situation was, shall we say, less than ideal, and I was already at my emotional limit. Then I found out about lies he'd told to, and about, other girls he'd dated. It didn't impact me directly, and he'd never lied to me, but it damaged my trust. Still, that should have been up to the two of us to work out. It wasn't unforgivable, and a good explanation would have satisfied me. Like AS, which would have clicked immediately, given all his moaning and groaning about perceptions and motivations, that didn't make much sense to me. I never stopped regretting listening to the tongue-waggers, and letting them dictate the course of our lives. I should have been talking to him, not to them.

My guy has always thought that women are evil. That made me a bit uncomfortable, and I think it's unfair to paint with such a broad brush. But this - the groupthink - is what he means. He's experienced a lot more of it than I have, and has internalized a lot of the terrible things women have said to him. It poisons the mind, even in small doses. I had the skills to fight back; he didn't. And that is the thing I regret the most. So if I'm a bit strident and unapologetic about it now, well, I'm correcting a past mistake. I will give him a chance, and my own judgment, over a stranger with no tangible interest in the outcome, any day.

[/quote]my moments of despondency and confusion are my issue. He didn't reach out and create them on purpose. I can't help being an NT, and used to NT relationships, plus I bring insecurities and old wounds of my own to the table, just like anyone else. [quote]

Are we psychic sisters or what?

My biggest challenge right now is filling the 70 hours a week that I am not sleeping or working and my guy is unavailable. I am a highly social creature but being a divorced former suburban hausfrau, that is paying for my child's Uni, I have no discretionary income...waitykatie - how do you spend your time? I've found that the more time I have to dwell, the more insecure I get...

It's a form of bullying. Brainwashing. Just look at some of the comments on this thread. "You don't agree with my prediction of doom, so I think you're hopeless, foolish, ignorant, deluded, etc. I'm so done, I'm so finished with you." Okie dokie, but what is this, short-attention span theater? As if my life is a reality show that just isn't moving fast enough this season, so they're voting me off the island or changing the channel. I LIKE big, long projects with ups and downs. They are my specialty, this isn't my first, and it started long before I'd ever heard of AS or WP. It's a process, and some of it is grindingly painful or just plain boring. Yes, I chose this path - sort of - but I am still human, and sometimes I do need support through the tough spots. I'm not sure how it's ok to treat me as if I forfeited the right to ask for a little encouragement.

So, not to defend your ex, or justify her actions, but recognizing bullying can be difficult for NTs too. Especially when it is masked in the form of doing good. You can tell the difference because bullies force you to choose sides. The "friends" who bullied me back then "just had my best interests at heart." Were certain that he was just using me for sex. Thought he treated me disrespectfully. Didn't want me to waste the best years of my life on a cad. I didn't agree with them, but I listened anyway. I was only 23, and they "cared," so I thought I should hear them out. I wanted time to think it over, but they rushed me into it, and once I'd broken it off - which damn near killed me - I figured he'd never forgive me, so I didn't try to fix it. It's insidious, and if you're already having doubts . . . well, no one is made of stone.

And, all these years later, which of these people are still part of my life? My Aspie, and that's it. I lost touch with the ringleader of that whole brainwashing effort less than a year later, when she went from being politically radical into full-blown support of terrorism. For a good cause, of course.

Definitely. Indeed, we are psychic sisters! Well, I've been drinking too much the last couple of months, but that is NOT representative (and NOT recommended). A bunch of things converged all at once and knocked me flat on my face. I got stuff straightened out and I'm getting back into my old zone, which worked well.

Rule #1: Stay in motion.
Rule #2: Stay positive.
Rule #3: Stay healthy.

I work, a lot. There is always more to do and we're free to work around the clock, so going to the office is the default option. I don't enjoy it the way I used to, but that is still my anchor. Nothing like 12 solid hours of mind-numbing work to kill all those pointless, self-destructive thoughts! If I wake up with negative thoughts, I jump in the shower and GO as fast as I can. By the time I leave work, my brain is too fried to wander. I think happy thoughts about my guy, because I know he probably spent the day doing pretty much the same thing.

I exercise - I shoot for 30-60 min. a day. It's summer, so that makes it even easier. My guy is built like a Greek god, so I'd better make sure we match! He takes better care of himself than anyone I know, so I am trying to follow his example. Even more than that, cardio is great for the endorphins. As much as it may suck while you're doing it, it really does boost your mood afterward. And if you keep it up, more or less daily, your "baseline" mood definitely rises several notches. I got addicted to running for a while, and I'm trying to get addicted again. I felt (and looked) great. Whatever your level of physical capability is, don't be ashamed. It's for your mind, as much as your body. It's positive action within your control, that you can do, now.

I go out with friends occasionally, but they all like to drink. I never did much of that before, and I'm trying to cut it out. Or I'll go to a cafe or a restaurant patio, get a drink, and just chat with random people. Practice listening. The world is full of strange people, and sometimes it's reassuring to know that many of them have lives as strange as mine!

I curl up with my cat and a cup of tea, and read before bed, or watch a movie, or call my mom. And that's pretty much it! Basically, I live like a monk. I've been doing it for a few years now, and honestly, I've been quite happy. I'm only unhappy, when I let myself get down in it. The key is to not let it get started in the first place. Easier said than done sometimes!

You're so sweet. Thank you. However, nothing tangible has actually changed since the long exchange you and I had last month! Only the thoughts in my head, and my decision to do something about that.

You may have seen that this thread got hijacked into a debate about giving up, which p*ssed me off, which honestly did a lot to re-energize me and re-orient my perspective. So, I'm sad that I seem to have lost a few friends, but they did help, and I am glad for that. I also seem to have made some new friends, which is always a good feeling. It also lifts my spirits to see "old" friends!

Whatever winds up happening, I'll never forget the compassion and support freely offered by people I've never met.

Y'know... it's times like this that make me believe that it is eventually possible to have some understanding... even between NTs and Aspies.
(Must hold back the waterworks as it's not over until I find a partner who understands me... Must be strong.)
I'm okay.

*pats PastFixations on the back, assuming that doesn't trigger a sensitivity*

ToughDiamond, your song recommendation is very touching, but it's just a little too sad for me! If you like Pink Floyd, I think "Keep Talking" (from The Division Bell) is the theme song for just about every NT-AS relationship. Bittersweet, but not hopeless - and the Stephen Hawking samples are perfect.

Actually I'm very relaxed and comfortable when it comes to contact via patting, hugging etc.
Must be me since I notice most aspies dislike any form of touch.