Please help me (NT woman) understand. All advice welcome.

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She told him she needed some time to cool off, so she would be able to think about it clearly, that sounds like someone having self-control and dealing with upset feelings in a healthy way.

Asking for space is normal and healthy in a relationship. Deciding to give the silent treatment with no explanation as to why that is happening is passive aggressive and cruel.

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Quit making it personal, meems.

That's exactly what I'm trying to say. I'm hardly the first person to make a comment about this.

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Has anyone considered that the fight may have caused him to overload or shutdown?
Especially if alexithymia is present, it probably took a few hours for him to actually register what just happened before his emotions would hit him hard and full on without any warning.

If I am in the middle of a shutdown, it's perfectly normal for me not to answer any messages, regardless of who they're from.
Most of the time I don't even look at my phone or email.

I got busy and didn't get a chance to really look at this until now and all I can say is thank you. Everyone saw the situation from a really difference angle, but it was so helpful to see it all spelled out. Nearly all of it rings true, and well, I just can't say thank you enough for your help.

To answer some questions and add context, first I have to apologize. I didn't include all of this information in the first post because I thought it would be overwhelming to read, and I didn't think anyone would actually reply. I'm glad you did though, so hopefully I can help answer some questions.

First of all, I do want to confess that this fight lead to the first time we really talked about the possibility that he might have asperger's. I'm sorry if I was misleading by not mentioning this. I know how poorly a community can react when someone simply suspects a diagnosis, but doesn't know for sure.

Second, maybe this will help explain why our fight seemed so big. We don't normally take days off from each other to deal with our problems, but in this case, we had argued about the same thing over and over again. For us to argue, just one more time, well, it was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Whoever questioned my fault in the situation was right to point out how aversion could play such a big part in this situation. During our fight, he told me that he lied to me because he was trying to avoid conflict. I told him the lying WAS the conflict. Realizing just how poorly our messages get conveyed to each other, I see how things went terribly, terribly wrong.

You all really helped me understand what a meltdown can look like. I had never realized before that this was what was happening. Obviously, we have a lot to learn together, but some of your suggestions are ones that should have been a part of our relationship regardless of whether or not asperger's was a part of it. I should always be mindful that asking for specific things (like hugs!) is going to be more effective than asking for vague things ("Support me!").

Right now, all of this talk about asperger's is still really new and overwhelming to both of us. If/when he seems like he wants to know more or talk about it more, I'm going to direct him here.
Thanks again for all of your support.

This provides a clearer context now. Why do you suspect Asperger's in him? Why not, say, Avoidant Personality Disorder?

why I thought asperger's...
- extremely intelligent (high IQ at a young age)
- preoccupation with a few interests (and will tell you all about them even if you don't understand!)
- has trouble with hypothetical situations (will respond to minor details about hypothetical situation that have little to do with the point being made)
- has some sensory issues (some clothes feel "wrong")
- doesn't actually avoid contact with other people, but when he does get the chance to interact, can fail to understand why some social interactions were not successful
- some delayed speech at a very young age
- remarkably good at memorizing facts (but only about the stuff he cares deeply about...he might not remember what he ate yesterday)
- we have a tendency to struggle with establishing whose turn it is to speak
- difficulty identifying feelings (will tell me doesn't know how he feels, or that he doesn't feel anything, may miss the sad tone of a statement and talk over it)
- diagnosed ADHD (but only recently)
- thinks visually

It's possible avoidant personality disorder could have developed after a lifetime of undiagnosed asperger's though, right? Do you think this is what it could be? I've never really known asperger's outside of what you can read on the internet and I realize that's a limited amount of knowledge.