Telling OKC dates about ASD PRIOR to meeting

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Ichinin
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28 Feb 2013, 8:53 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

Ichinin wrote:

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

A pragmatic advice that may be seen too sexist: Men should be pragmatic on dating sites, not idealists. Above-average women and the hot-man who's getting a lot of dates can afford to be slightly idealists and start to put filters.

Are you getting too much dates from dating sites, Ichinin?

PS: Why the copy/paste is disabled here?

Disclosing Aspergers or not has little do do with my problems on dating sites. I cannot find the RIGHT girls/women and i haven't been registered on any dating sites since last summer, i cannot give a sh** anymore and i'd rather be happy instead.

Then why are you here?

Why is an autistic on an autistic discussion board talking about how horrible the concept of dating and datingsites really is?

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Geekonychus
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28 Feb 2013, 9:49 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

Like Hyperlexian mentioned before, if you date an NT several times and the two of you are really having a good time and really compatible; then why making AS an issue from the beginning?? Disclosing AS at that stage won't scare her because she knows you already.

This.^^^

Disclosing your disorder in your profile is basically telling the girl before you've even spoken or written one word to her that you are defined by your autism.

Tyri0n
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28 Feb 2013, 10:03 am

Geekonychus wrote:

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

This.^^^

Disclosing your disorder in your profile is basically telling the girl before you've even spoken or written one word to her that you are defined by your autism.

I don't think anyone is saying put in on your profile. Say it after you've talked a few times on the phone and before meeting. That may save a wasted date. However, if your symptoms are minor and she still agrees to meet you, perhaps with great reservations, then you're setting expectations very low, which sets you up for success.

It works the same way in politics as it does in online dating. You may not be judged objectively so much as you're judged on the extent to which you exceed for fail to meet expectations.

Rick Santorum put everything into Iowa and then came in 2nd. That's objectively bad, but because everyone had written him off, placing so high in the Iowa caucuses got him attention, which allowed him to become the front runner for a time and win multiple other states (till he got demolished by Mitt's ad barrage in Michigan and Ohio).

Ichinin
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28 Feb 2013, 10:05 am

Geekonychus wrote:

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

This.^^^

Disclosing your disorder in your profile is basically telling the girl before you've even spoken or written one word to her that you are defined by your autism.

Its a big difference in how you say it. Compare:

Quote:

"I'm autistic/christian/satanist/muslim/apple user and i'm on fire for <subject>."

Quote:

Note: I have autism and i hope you are ok with that.

The first case describe a fanatic that defines him/herself with the subject strongly, the second case is just informative.

Further, compare that to:

Quote:

My children are my pride and joy

= You are never gonna be nr one with her. Accept it or move on.

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Tyri0n
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28 Feb 2013, 10:14 am

Quote:

Note: I have autism and i hope you are ok with that.

Quote:

Better "the most private thing I'm willing to admit": "I was born an autistic child, so I had to work hard and take many acting lessons in order to present myself normally. My greatest strength is my ability to overcome challenges and improve myself continually. I'm highly attracted to similar qualities in a partner."

Sweetleaf
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28 Feb 2013, 11:23 am

Geekonychus wrote:

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

This.^^^

Disclosing your disorder in your profile is basically telling the girl before you've even spoken or written one word to her that you are defined by your autism.

I don't see how mentioning you have autism on the profile says you are 'defined' by it....unless it said something silly like 'I am aspergers/autism.' Or if they mention it and the entire page is about autism for instance. Id typically just take it to mean they have autism though. I mean I can see it also making sense to wait until you've talked to the person but it should be mentioned before things get serious in my opinion.

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AsteroidNap
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28 Feb 2013, 8:14 pm

wtfid2 wrote:

bad idea

Not at all. I did exactly what the OP did, put in my bio that I had AS, along with everything else about me. I got the most responses ever on OKC, and two dates out of it -- which never happened when I tried to play NT.

Tyri0n
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28 Feb 2013, 10:01 pm

So I tried this with a girl on OKC, and she ended up canceling without giving a reason. So, needless to say, it was worth an experiment, but I'm probably not doing it again. My personal presentation is not aspie enough to warrant it.

I learned today that I'm apparently better at faking NT than I thought I was. I wonder how I ever even got diagnosed on the spectrum. So I think no need to bring it up until later unless it's obvious upon meeting someone.

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28 Feb 2013, 10:23 pm

Tyri0n wrote:

I learned today that I'm apparently better at faking NT than I thought I was.

I learned, over the last few years, that I'm quite adept at it, myself. As a matter of fact, I think I should've won an Oscar for my daily performances of "Aspie girl passes as 'normal'" at my previous job. :lol:

That said, faking "normal" on a daily basis was, and is, utterly exhausting. I flat-out refuse to do it again. I can't. The toll it took on my psyche and on my body was immense. I was a wreck after every work shift, and needed hours afterward to decompress/recharge. For what I was being paid, it was absolutely not worth it.

Do you think living a lie is worth the price you'll inevitably have to pay? As spectrumites, it's like we're damned if we do, and damned if we don't. :evil:

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Tyri0n
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28 Feb 2013, 10:54 pm

SINsister wrote:

Tyri0n wrote:

I learned today that I'm apparently better at faking NT than I thought I was.

No, it's not worth it.

If you can suggest an alternative, I'm all ears. No, being poor and alone is not what I consider to be an alternative. I'm too proud to ever let myself be poor. If I were ever unemployed for a long period of time (like a month), there is no question I would off myself.

Moving to a U.S. Pacific territory with nicer people is something I might consider.

So...what do you suggest?

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28 Feb 2013, 11:47 pm

Tyri0n wrote:

So...what do you suggest?

Be yourself, always.

Tyri0n
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28 Feb 2013, 11:49 pm

SINsister wrote:

Tyri0n wrote:

So...what do you suggest?

Be yourself, always.

That sounds so NT.

Afraid I'm going to need a more specific, realistic answer if it's going to be helpful to me.

You can't just "be yourself" in this society except in specific situations. I'm curious as to what you think those situations are, and I will happily get the f**k out of Texas and be myself wherever that place is.

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01 Mar 2013, 12:58 am

Tyri0n wrote:

SINsister wrote:

Tyri0n wrote:

So...what do you suggest?

Be yourself, always.

That sounds so NT.

You can't just "be yourself" in this society except in specific situations. I'm curious as to what you think those situations are, and I will happily get the f**k out of Texas and be myself wherever that place is.

NTs don't have the balls to be themselves - assuming that they even know who they are. Most NTs I've met have been "personas" defined by the people they know, and NT society as a whole. It's all fakery and smoke and mirrors. Garbage.

*Why* can't you, exactly? Even though I *did* make an effort to put on a good show at my former workplace, I was being paid to do so. I always let the real me through, though. Most of the older/elderly gym members appreciated it, believe it or not, because they loved talking to me (and I found that some of them were actually worth talking to, as well!). My supervisors? Not so much, most of the time. I got hauled into my "boss's" office for not smiling, once. I kid you not. And this, from a woman who went around with a frown on her face all day, looking like she hated everyone's guts. Fuuuuuuuuck that.

In the end, I guess you're going to have to figure out what works for you. Yeah, all of us have to adapt in some ways to moronic NT "rules," or we're screwed. But I really hope that you won't go your entire life betraying yourself and everything you stand for, for the sake of concepts - and people - that are ultimately meaningless.

Ichinin
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01 Mar 2013, 5:05 am

SINsister wrote:

^ That. NTs worry too much about what others think about them.

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hyperlexian
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01 Mar 2013, 10:10 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

PS: Why the copy/paste is disabled here?

i am having problems with copy+paste too, so i started a thread in WP.net
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt225148.html

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