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"I really like you"......

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MountainLaurel
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26 May 2013, 10:13 pm

I've always believed it's a bad idea to ask whether a man loves me, no matter how curious I might feel. That's for 2 reasons;
- Because I don't think that trying to push/pull love works.
- He might feel compelled to lie in order to placate me.

I like to leave it to the man to profess on his own. If I am concerned that a man is feeling confused feelings; I don't like to be sexual with him. I only want deeper involvement with men who are solid about how they feel and are freely express it. In time they sort it out. But until then, I don't see any wisdom in endangering my heart, I just keep it light.



Fnord
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26 May 2013, 10:15 pm

Alla wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Kuribo wrote:
smudge wrote:
Fnord wrote:
While you're at it, mention the word 'marriage' and see how he reacts. If he suddenly gets nervous or wants to know why you're thinking about getting married after the two of you have had sex, then he may not really love you at all.
NO. NO, NO, NO. DO NOT ask him this. It will scare him off for sure.
I agree. Your man sounds like someone who wants to take things slowly. Any attempts to force him to do otherwise could scare him off.
No force involved. Alla could just ask something like, "Have you ever thought much about what it might be like to be married?" Alternatively, she could just leave a few magazines for brides laying around her place, or even start humming Wagner's "Bridal March" the next time they go for a stroll. How else is she going to find out if the bloke really loves her, or if he's just interested in her for a "Ride on the Y-Train"?
Ummmm, that's a bit premature. Guaranteed to scare the guy away. If he isn't sure what he wants to do, bringing up marriage will probably make things worse.

I am a man, as well as an Aspie. I know how this situation is most likely to pan out. If he is of the type to be scared off, then it's best to send him running before he gets you preggers, rather than after.

Besides, even if he likes kids, he may like them only if they are someone else's, not his.

I've done all that I can. You're on your own now. Good luck.



Shatbat
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26 May 2013, 10:18 pm

^ but wanting to be married NOW is very different to being open to the idea eventually, and that assuming marriage is strictly necessary for two people to be together in the long term, which it's not. Also, there exist something called protection, if properly used there is no preggos.


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aspiemike
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26 May 2013, 11:02 pm

MountainLaurel wrote:
I've always believed it's a bad idea to ask whether a man loves me, no matter how curious I might feel. That's for 2 reasons;
- Because I don't think that trying to push/pull love works.
- He might feel compelled to lie in order to placate me.

I like to leave it to the man to profess on his own. If I am concerned that a man is feeling confused feelings; I don't like to be sexual with him. I only want deeper involvement with men who are solid about how they feel and are freely express it. In time they sort it out. But until then, I don't see any wisdom in endangering my heart, I just keep it light.


One thing I have found out in the past is when I was serious and wanted to commit to a women for a relationship, they rejected me when I knew full well they had strong enough feelings for me. Of course, confessing your feelings also works both ways. And from being rejected, I would say it might actually be safe to guess that women may feel the same as I do at that point "time to accept that they don't want me and move on?"



The_Face_of_Boo
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27 May 2013, 1:57 am

Fnord wrote:
Alla wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Kuribo wrote:
smudge wrote:
Fnord wrote:
While you're at it, mention the word 'marriage' and see how he reacts. If he suddenly gets nervous or wants to know why you're thinking about getting married after the two of you have had sex, then he may not really love you at all.
NO. NO, NO, NO. DO NOT ask him this. It will scare him off for sure.
I agree. Your man sounds like someone who wants to take things slowly. Any attempts to force him to do otherwise could scare him off.
No force involved. Alla could just ask something like, "Have you ever thought much about what it might be like to be married?" Alternatively, she could just leave a few magazines for brides laying around her place, or even start humming Wagner's "Bridal March" the next time they go for a stroll. How else is she going to find out if the bloke really loves her, or if he's just interested in her for a "Ride on the Y-Train"?
Ummmm, that's a bit premature. Guaranteed to scare the guy away. If he isn't sure what he wants to do, bringing up marriage will probably make things worse.

I am a man, as well as an Aspie. I know how this situation is most likely to pan out. If he is of the type to be scared off, then it's best to send him running before he gets you preggers, rather than after.

Besides, even if he likes kids, he may like them only if they are someone else's, not his.

I've done all that I can. You're on your own now. Good luck.


What about to ask him "want me to be your gf?" first?



smudge
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27 May 2013, 8:32 am

Fnord wrote:
I am a man, as well as an Aspie. I know how this situation is most likely to pan out. If he is of the type to be scared off, then it's best to send him running before he gets you preggers, rather than after.

Besides, even if he likes kids, he may like them only if they are someone else's, not his.

I've done all that I can. You're on your own now. Good luck.


Yes, you are a man. But you're placing it from how *you* would deal with things, not from the viewpoint of men in general.

People like to tread into things carefully, it doesn't mean they're not potential good partners if they can't give you an answer straight away. Forcing people to make a decision is counter-productive. And a few months into a relationship is premature to ask for marriage. Making people decide that quickly makes them think you are after something, or even controlling. People want to be wanted for who they are, not to fill a position.



The_Face_of_Boo
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27 May 2013, 8:33 am

Girls in my country bring up the word marriage in month 1.



Fnord
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27 May 2013, 12:19 pm

Where I'm from (Michigan, USA), even the married women talk about their next wedding!

:roll:



MountainLaurel
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27 May 2013, 4:04 pm

AspieMike wrote:

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One thing I have found out in the past is when I was serious and wanted to commit to a women for a relationship, they rejected me when I knew full well they had strong enough feelings for me.

What?! ! I don't understand this. Are you saying that you wanted to commit, but never told them?



aspiemike
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27 May 2013, 5:47 pm

MountainLaurel wrote:
AspieMike wrote:
Quote:
One thing I have found out in the past is when I was serious and wanted to commit to a women for a relationship, they rejected me when I knew full well they had strong enough feelings for me.

What?! ! I don't understand this. Are you saying that you wanted to commit, but never told them?


I told them... They rejected for a variety of reasons. The first one said "not sure I want a relationship right now." the second one didn't know if they wanted to move on to me or go back to their ex and told me "You came at the wrong time." The most recent person also went back to her ex, but we kind of rejected eachother. I've had a nasty habit of dating people that weren't over their exes yet or just didn't want to move on from them.

Of the three above.. number one probably had the strongest feelings out of the three for me.



MountainLaurel
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28 May 2013, 1:19 pm

Thanks, Mike, for the clarification. That is a bad habit, but the nasty habit is dating and getting intimate with a new flame when one is not yet over the 'ex'. I consider it to be unethical, but clearly, I am in the minority.

Look, if you really love the person who has left you; it's worth sitting with those feelings for a while. I don't mean one needs to sit alone and cry for a year, but a better idea is to resurrect oneself through time and work. This approach actually results in a more healthy, grounded self; as opposed to the constantly confused 'victim' self who is actually going through life using other people in order to get over the previous trauma.



Jainz
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29 May 2013, 4:28 am

There's no need to rush into marriage. Even if you're in separate countries and marriage would allow one of you to move, I wouldn't recommend it without a great deal of thought.