Black and White thinking and relationships

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I've been thinking about this lately. In a lot of my past relationships, my rigid thinking has been one of my biggest problems. I can see now that even though I've been with some legitimately bad people, I am very, very intolerant of things that most people would consider minor problems: lateness, what I see as someone changing their story, which makes me guarded and suspicious enough to dump them, etc.

I also can see that literal thinking makes me extra prone to problems in relationships.

Does anyone else have this problem? Share ... discuss...

I'd like this thread to steer away from "why can't I get a date" territory, and focus more on problems people have had KEEPING a relationship. There are already lots of "why won't people date me" threads, thanks.

I'm sorry, but I happen to agree with you on those things that bother you. Lateness is a sign of disrespect, unless the person has severe executive function problems, they are not making you enough of a priority to get to you on time. Someone changing their stories is a definite red flag. That usually indicates they are hiding something. I am very keen on picking up on discrepancies, not that I look for them, but my brain is like a computer and if things don't add up I get very angry that someone is lying to me.

Soooo... I happen to be married to someone who doesn't play those kinds of games, but it took me a long time to find him. Hang in there!! !

P.S. One thing that this becomes a problem with is my stepdaughter who lies and distorts the truth to seem perfect in the eyes of her father. I can't stand it. It simply drives me nuts and my husband thinks it's perfectly normal, and it causes a lot of contention between us.

I get worked up over relatively minor things in my interpersonal relationships (romantic or otherwise) but also tend to not get worked up about things that I really should. Making me both "too laid back" and "too serious" at the same time depending on my issue.

This one area where I have found success. I try to take a step back (I visualise me stepping out of something to reveal a greater vista of possibility) and remind myself that while being right and exact has it's own satisfaction, my (almost) 45 years on the planet have shown me that I lose too much that I care about by sticking to my guns. I have found that when I take my mental step back, I can appreciate (if not agree with or approve of) other peoples' point of view enough to make me get past the thing they have "done". In my view, people with ASD insisting that people dance to their tune in these matters is a little like an alcoholic insisting on a drink - both bring short term relief but also long term, greater problems. I have the benefit of age and experience of years, decades of doing it my way and subsequently being unhappy at what I have wrought so I guess younger Aspies will struggle as their ideals may not have been trampled on enough yet for them to conclude that the change is necessary.

This all fits with me too, especially making a big deal out of little things and then not reacting to big things.

I remember once getting enraged with a boyfriend because he said I was "the most beautiful woman in the world." I looked at him and said that he was wrong. He insisted I was, trying to be all sweet. I then got into a huge argument with him about how even to a biased point of view, there are many, many, many women much more beautiful than I am, so that's an unrealistic compliment and I don't find it believable or flattering.

Yeahhhhh. I know. I had to have him explain that he just meant to say that he thought I was beautiful.

I said "oh, why didn't you just say that then? That would have been nice."

That's more an example of how I got caught up in literal thinking, but at least I can look back and laugh now.

The mind has a way of filtering out things that happen so you don't have to believe what you know is true.

I mean, you know something is wrong, but you trick yourself into believing it or fabricating it to make it sound nicer, like, oh he's busy, oh he's just stressed, etc etc..

We all like to ignore the warning signs in relationships, and I mean the obvious ones that shouldn't be ignored.

found this thread off Google 11 years later and i have some thoughts:
i find it really hard when there are some things that feel good about a relationship and some things that feel bad
i become very obsessive about the question of whether the relationship is "good for me" or not
i'm late for something so maybe i will write more later.
does anybody else struggle with self-doubt about whether or not to stay in relationships, and also about which part is the self and which part is the doubt?

In general, I've learned to: Never assume how your partner feels and to never assume the intent behind their actions
For example, you can say that you feel a certain way about something your partner did/said. But I'd never judge their intent.

It also helps to communicate earlier on what your needs are for a relationship. That way you don't get upset with them all of a sudden for breaking some "rules" that they never even knew you had.

Changing his/her story is a form of lying. I don't know why anyone wouldn't be bothered by that.