My AS ex-boyfriend, lack of spark and crazy stupid love

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I think you're right. And it makes me feel a bit stronger to read that. I guess what I am worried about it that talking about stuff like this is going to make him run for the hills.

After an hour or so of messages from him tonight I ended up asking him how this friendship thing of ours was meant to work. The usual silence follows.

Tomorrow he will wake up and text me another picture of his breakfast and we'll continue on like I never asked.

I can hear you all telling me to run for the hills myself! I know! I know! Agh!

Having said all this everyone on here seems really rather lovely. If only I'd fallen madly in love with one of you.

Cheers for answering. You're a lovely bunch. I might stick around.

Stop asking and start telling. You are the one with a more stable understanding of relationships. Tell him kindly but bluntly in a manner that invites him to continue with you, with a commitment. Be prepared for him to be a child about it but be firm. Start telling. Stop letting him be irresponsible.

I will! *salutes*

As to the whole going silent thing, he may (or may not) be able to handle the emotions that go with you saying that you miss him etc. etc. to use a computer analogy: He has a small buffer allocated to feelings; when you tell him things, it fills this buffer up completely and then some, causing a buffer overflow, thus needing him to reset his feelings, and empty this buffer.

You on the other hand have a large buffer (like most NTs) and so the same situation does not cause an overflow of emotion(s)

He might never have had anyone say those sort of things to him

But from what I can gather, he definitely has feelings for you, he is just unable to express/handle them.

My advice would be to:

Ask him questions like:

How would you feel if... I was out of your life? Seeing someone else? (although I do realise that he might not be able to identify the emotions, or imagine them, it hopefully wont make things worse)

Then tell him what it is to be in love yada yada yada: thinking about that person...wanting to be close, talk to them all the time...

This might help him to realise that what was going on meant that he did have genuine love for you (what HW says is a 'spark')

I find it difficult to comprehend why people have feelings for me, not that it's ever really happened, and if someone told me they loved me, that would certainly overwhelm me, and I would not know how to respond to that.

Also I want to feel those emotions being reciprocated, but I am becoming doubtful it will happen for a loooooooong time (if ever).

Hope this helps.

I don't quite agree Emotional processing may be different between individuals, however research hasn't confirmed exactly what the differnce is. It is certainly not the case, that all NT can handle emotional situation well. This is of crux the myth of 'NT' in the first place. It is true that some on the spectrum have difficulty dealing with social situations and it can be draining, but other are fine with it, even if they don't always follow what is going on or act in an appropriate way.

On the same level any DX is only part of a person (this can't be emphasized enough).

I will suggest things related to ASD if relevant, however I think it is fools gold to treat AS behaviors as if there is no overlaps. Much of our behavior is the same, it is just not remarkable enough to mention.

The only other specific thing that I might mention, which I have absolutely no way of confirming, and only relates to some people on he spectrum, as well as others in the broader population, is the thimble vs. bucket of social contact idea.

I enjoy social contact, but for me, but I need very little of it, and much of it superficial. Any more is detrimental to my health. My lifestyle is mostly orchestrated to this ends, and I learnt this the hard way how not to live.

I wouldn't want anything like a traditional relations, ie. I would want us to spend much of our time apart doing our own thing being independent, but have some quality time together. However it is very unlikely that we would ever live together, etc. I wouldn't get married or have kids. Now this doesn't mean that I would be a cad, or not be monogamous. I also realize this is very unusual and would be upfront about it. It is about expectations.

Last edited by albedo on 07 Aug 2013, 8:11 am, edited 1 time in total.

If he wants to run for the hills you can't control that, which is why if you say anything, you should not pander too him to much. Don't give him too much of a reaction, that you are still clinging onto the possibility of a relationship. This gives him a lot of power over you. Instead act like someone who can't be messed around with.

He is having his cake an eating it. I can roughly interpret his behavior as, "I'm not interested in the relationship you want, but stick around just in case."

It is not your responsibility. Either he will come groveling back, or he won't and you'll both move on.

Thanks for the reply. I hear that analogy quite a lot and it does make sense. I know people have said it to him before but he hasn't has a relationship last more than a couple of months in the past so I'm not sure it ever got to that point.

I think I might ask him what you suggest but I will see how it goes. Much as I'd love to know I'm trying to work out what's going on right now and stuff like that makes him shut down a bit.

I also think that if someone did tell you they loved you then you might not be as overwhelmed as you think depending on the person. Don't write it off just yet! You don't know till it happens.

It's interesting that you describe an unconventional relationship that I think would work quite well. I think society expects that we get together with someone, live with them, pop out a few sprogs and live happily ever after. The job that I do and what I have been through healthwise in my life (I'm not going there but trust me when I say there was horror) mean that I have changed my view of what I think I want too.

Also meeting my ex and seeing the world the way he did really made me rethink conventions in relationships. I was actually happy with a bit less than the usual because the bits where we were together were better quality.

Whatever happens after this I don't think any of my relationships will be quite the same again.

I know I can't and I realise pandering if a bad idea too. I need to grow a backbone about it however I feel. And I really try my best not to make it too obvious that I want him back. Though I'm also honest about it. Which is the oddest balancing act ever.

You're very right. He is having his cake and eating it. I did say this to him once. Cue this emoticon: >.>

So I don't really know how he feels about me pointing that out other than that the idea makes him tired and irritable.

I don't really want him grovelling. Nor do I even know if I really want him. At least not in the way he's been recently. I guess anyone who picks me up and drops me, whether they have AS or not, is not really a good thing.

However I do think that AS does explain a little of the 'blank slate' reaction I get from him when things get a bit too emotional. And it also helps explain why we split up which helps me a lot.

In the end he's still messaging me a whole lot. I still can't explain it other than to go with my gut and say that I think he does still want me in some way or another.

But I guess whatever happens I need to not want him as much. Lovely though my heart seems to think he is. Talking myself out of missing how great it was to spend a weekend with him is really the toughest part. Especially with him poking away at my brain every few hours with what he had for lunch or how badly he aches from his weekend workout.

I think this is a manifestation of his frustration and confusion. I can definitely identify with feeling like this when I was the age of this guy, before I had a better understanding of how I work.

If he is a very literal person, phrases like "Having your cake and eating it." can also be confusing.

Yeah. I did have to explain it a bit. But I think the sentiment annoyed him more. I'm not sure he sees what's wrong with that.

The more you say about his reactions, the more I'm edging towards the keep your distance camp.

I agree with the disagreement .

I have met people who have been diagnosed ASD who seem to have no emotions whatsoever. I have repeatedly been told by Doctors, psychologists, and psychiatrists, that intellectually I am advanced, but emotionally I am lacking. However, I do feel sympathy, empathy, loneliness, love, kindness, etc.

I feel empathy for those I percieve to be helpless or victims. I feel protectiveness for people (children and adults alike) who cannot protect themselves. I feel empathy for the bullied, the rejected, the hated, etc. Perhaps because I have experienced all of this myself, but I am still capable of FEELING, and do. However, when it comes to expressing these things, I am at a loss. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say.

When my wife stubs her toe, I feel as if I am responsible or going to be blamed, even if I am not in the room, and even though my wife has never been the type of person to blame me for things beyond my control. So my first reaction is defensiveness and a sort of self preservation. Perhaps because when I was a child everything was my fault according to my family members. I would tell the truth and be called a liar, etc. I don't know why I have these reactions but I do. I have a difficult time EXPRESSING, but I do FEEL, sometimes I believe too much.

I also have anxiety and fear of people or crowds, even though I have desires to help those who cannot help themselves. Perhaps all this is AS, perhaps it is just a result of how I process things because of AS

Yet with all of this, I have spoken to several AS dx individuals who are substantially different in emotional coping, and even personality. I offend people on here who are coping with the same issues I am, some who seem to be very non-understanding, in spite of my efforts. So even the similar dx does not make us the same.

I think I'm edging towards it too...

And then he goes and spoils it all by sending me a photo of a dog stuck in a coathanger.

It's really interesting to know how it works in your head when stuff is going on. You seem to have worked it out and understand yourself very well. Has it changed the way that you deal with other people?

I wonder how it works with family members when you're a kid if AS isn't diagnosed? I know that my ex's parents have no clue, either that or it's something they're choosing to ignore. And he's not 100% on it himself despite the fact that he fits so many of the criteria and has been told it's most likely. Do you think your family blamed you because you found it so hard to express the truth it seemed like you were lying?

I guess the difference in people you describe is down to everyone being different and coming from different backgrounds anyway. There are plenty of NT people I know who deal with emotions far differently from me. Even those from the similar backgrounds.