Hi,
It's very difficult for someone with aspergers to be content. Ever. We're continually mentally challenging ourselves to know and understand more about the world around us; however the fine details of other peoples' lives often don't relate to big picture questions about life in general, so we don't find them engaging or interesting.
If you're going to date someone with aspergers, you need to know what you're getting yourself into and be honest and open with him at all times. WE don't have the kind of empathy and emotional connectivity that neurotypical people do. We tend to base our decisions on logic, not emotion.
The reason he tells you one minute that he loves you and is distant the next is that love means something quite different to us than it does to you; aspies don't generally have the ability within our cognitive biology -- how our brain works -- to become "addicted" to another person, to be emotionally uplifted just by being in the presence, at least not to the degree of neurotypical people. So if you're fitting into his world at that given time, he'll tell you he loves you because, like all of us, he's lonely and wants to be with you.
If he's asking you for space it's because a) whatever you're talking about or planning on doing bores him, causing anxiety; or b) because you're pushing for him to be more "involved" with your life or less focused on his own objectives.
Aspies seem selfish and manipulative to neurotypical people because we're continually trying to stay on our own "track"; we have a path through life we're figuring out, and without the emotional bonding skills and support from others that most people get, we need to stay on that track to prevent from being anxious. THat makes us naturally self-centered. Given that many aspies are also high intellect, the problem is compounded by then having to socialize with people who have little to talk about outside of their own personal lives, which usually will not interest someone with aspergers.
If he decides he loves you, it will be a rationalized decision, not an emotional one. He'll look at how you two get along, how you spend your time together and whether you give him enough space to not trigger his anxiety by making demands of him, particularly on issues that don't fit his sphere of interest.
That also means giving him notice before you place ANY demands on him, i.e. don't spring stuff on him at the last second like most neurotypical people. Even something as simple as going to lunch at a favorite restaurant can cause grave anxiety for one of us if it's sprung at the last second.
Even if the two of you get along famously and you can live with an often-distant boyfriend, there are many other implications of dating someone who is low empathy/disconnected. For one, many aspies cannot have sex in typical fashion. We are overwhelmed by the sights, smells, touch and other emotional stimuli involved, and therefore cannot "lose ourselves" in passion, making it difficult to achieve orgasm with another person. While some aspies have kids and get past this, many never have fulfilling sex lives.
So, it's quite complicated. Added to that, most aspies aren't "self-aware". They haven't been around long enough to figure out their problems, or they don't have a broad enough understanding of how neurotypical people think, and consequently they're under a lot of stress, all the time.
And to add to the long list of concerns I"ve now foisted upon you ... many people who think they have aspergers at a young age are misdiagnosing themselves, as it is symptomatically different from one person to the next, with just enough crossover between it and other mental illnesses to be unsure. For example, a person who has a damaged sense of security due to poor parenting/abuse can become socially isolated due to anxiety and express many of the same issues as someone with aspergers; the big difference is that they have a treatable condition based on a temporary imbalance of their brain chemistry, whereas aspies have a permanent condition, likely caused in part by how our cognitive pathways developed over time.
So, you're asking a few fairly simple questions about contradictory behavior; but it's much more complicated than that. If you're not willing to stick it out, the best thing you can do is break it off now and be honest with him about the fact that your personalities are too dissimilar for it to work.
If you're willing to stick it out, you'll find that a) aspies can be the most loyal people you've ever met. We tend to have difficulty being dishonest when we understand the emotional consequences and most aspies are unable to cheat on someone. B) We're interesting to be with, because the longer you spend time with an aspie, the more our broad and weird interests will affect your view of the world.
It's a tough slog. My wife would tell you the trade offs are worth it ... some days.
Oh and a p.s.: that other poster was right, you have to talk to him about it, or he won't respect you.
03 Jan 2014, 12:33 pm
