How can I learn to be happy alone?

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Shebakoby
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09 Feb 2014, 4:32 am

my friends who are neurotypical and have no end of trouble finding a good relationship tell me I'm not missing anything. That's enough to convince me that if I am in fact destined to solo mid forever, I won't be too put out about it. I'm not ruling it out but I'm prepared if it never happens.



The_Face_of_Boo
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09 Feb 2014, 9:05 am

hale_bopp wrote:
Brianruns10 wrote:
I think I've finally broken today. I got a really cruel message from a woman with whom I'd been corresponding. We'd written back and forth, and I didn't hear from her in a few days..that and with a big winter storm we got, I sent her a quick, "Hey what's up? Are you snowed it too?" that sort of thing. She wrote back: "Your messages make want to punch you in the face. You[r] annoyance rattles my brain to no avail."

I've realized at that moment, that I'll never understand people. I'll never relate to them. I'll never be able to comprehend someone who can be so capriciously cruel. I've looked back at the whole of my attempt at dating, and what good has come of it. And I realize it's nothing. A lot of heartache. A lot of money spent on dinners and movie tickets that I could've spent on things like my baseball card collection...things I know will last and won't abandon me or insult me. Trying to find love and acceptance where there is none, only judgment and apathy.

I'm done with it all. To hell with love. To hell with companionship. To hell with people.

I need to find a way to learn to be content as I am. How I can I repress, and banish away these desires for love? How can I squeeze thoughts of women out of my head and focus simply on living a good, quiet life dedicated to that which I can control, that which I am good at?


Clearly online dating is a bad choice for you. Don't bother with it. People would not speak to you like that in real life. If you can't understand what people are like on the internet, you're never going to get anywhere. You seem to get very upset with internet people which should be addressed before you bother using it for dating.

I actually think people who have issues with being single/ wanting to look perfect or some other obsession are compensating for some underlying issue which is the real problem. The underlying issue is always to do with your feelings about yourself. Would pay for you to find yours. I'm currently paying a shrink to help me find mine.


Yes, her response to him reveals why she ended up online dating: Her personality sucks.



hale_bopp
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09 Feb 2014, 6:25 pm

Yes, I agree. Here Its quite clearly her with the problem.

But average guys do struggle more with dating online, as they're easier to ignore and jerks like this feel comfortable about being rude about it.



goldfish21
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09 Feb 2014, 9:28 pm

Learn not to be codependent on others for happiness. It really is that simple. I've had times where I was so messed up with AS symptoms that I Needed to have contact/communication with certain friends just to feel ok and get through the day. It was pointed out to me by a good friend that I needed to learn not to be codependent on him for happiness, to learn to be happy on my own. So, I set out to learn about that and read "Feeling Good," by Dr. David Burns which was a pretty good help.

In a nutshell, though, you need to know that thoughts dictate emotions and emotions dictate actions. Change your thoughts and you'll be happier. Stop thinking about others and start thinking about yourself and things you're passionate about and you'll be happier in general. It's very simple, yet difficult to do. That's why it requires practice to perfect.


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Moviesftw4
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16 Feb 2014, 7:45 pm

Brianruns10 wrote:
I think I've finally broken today. I got a really cruel message from a woman with whom I'd been corresponding. We'd written back and forth, and I didn't hear from her in a few days..that and with a big winter storm we got, I sent her a quick, "Hey what's up? Are you snowed it too?" that sort of thing. She wrote back: "Your messages make want to punch you in the face. You[r] annoyance rattles my brain to no avail."

I've realized at that moment, that I'll never understand people. I'll never relate to them. I'll never be able to comprehend someone who can be so capriciously cruel. I've looked back at the whole of my attempt at dating, and what good has come of it. And I realize it's nothing. A lot of heartache. A lot of money spent on dinners and movie tickets that I could've spent on things like my baseball card collection...things I know will last and won't abandon me or insult me. Trying to find love and acceptance where there is none, only judgment and apathy.

I'm done with it all. To hell with love. To hell with companionship. To hell with people.

I need to find a way to learn to be content as I am. How I can I repress, and banish away these desires for love? How can I squeeze thoughts of women out of my head and focus simply on living a good, quiet life dedicated to that which I can control, that which I am good at?


I got a message very similar to this one from a girl in Middle School. Though, in Middle School I was so oblivious that I thought anyone who talked to me was automatically my friend. That's when my Aspie was at it's strongest. I'd always comment on these girl's Myspace pages like every 2 days about what I was up to and one day this girl snapped. Not that I blame her though; looking back if a girl I wasn't interested in at all did that to me, I would have snapped too.

But down to the nitty gritty, I am hopeless as well when it comes to love. As ironic as it is, women do like being treated like s**t to a certain extent. It's somehow somewhat masculine. The only time I ever treated a girl like s**t was when I drew a photo of a dick in her yearbook next to my name as a prank (Since she always made sexual jokes towards every topic). I thought she'd find it funny, but she got pissed. One morning she got in my face all pissed off and I snapped. Told her it was a joke and if she didn't see it like that, then to go f**k off because I had no other reason to talk to her. Her reaction was unreadable to me, it defiantly wasn't a pissed off look , it seemed to me like a shocked/damn-he-doesn't-need-me look. The following year, we never talked but whenever we passed eachother in the hall way, she would say Hi to me in a pleasant, friendly manner (I never really replied back). I was like 'da fuq?' In my head.


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hale_bopp
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16 Feb 2014, 8:55 pm

Moviesftw4 wrote:
I got a message very similar to this one from a girl in Middle School. Though, in Middle School I was so oblivious that I thought anyone who talked to me was automatically my friend. That's when my Aspie was at it's strongest. I'd always comment on these girl's Myspace pages like every 2 days about what I was up to and one day this girl snapped. Not that I blame her though; looking back if a girl I wasn't interested in at all did that to me, I would have snapped too.


That was justified, that is just plain stupid. Plus, she was in middle school. This person is an adult and should know better.



Erwin
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23 Feb 2014, 1:29 am

Brianruns10 wrote:
I think I've finally broken today. I got a really cruel message from a woman with whom I'd been corresponding. We'd written back and forth, and I didn't hear from her in a few days..that and with a big winter storm we got, I sent her a quick, "Hey what's up? Are you snowed it too?" that sort of thing. She wrote back: "Your messages make want to punch you in the face. You[r] annoyance rattles my brain to no avail."

I've realized at that moment, that I'll never understand people. I'll never relate to them. I'll never be able to comprehend someone who can be so capriciously cruel. I've looked back at the whole of my attempt at dating, and what good has come of it. And I realize it's nothing. A lot of heartache. A lot of money spent on dinners and movie tickets that I could've spent on things like my baseball card collection...things I know will last and won't abandon me or insult me. Trying to find love and acceptance where there is none, only judgment and apathy.

I'm done with it all. To hell with love. To hell with companionship. To hell with people.

I need to find a way to learn to be content as I am. How I can I repress, and banish away these desires for love? How can I squeeze thoughts of women out of my head and focus simply on living a good, quiet life dedicated to that which I can control, that which I am good at?

Males and females feel awkward with each other since they have separate packs. You should hang with the male pack sometimes. And that probably wasn't even supposed to offend you, that message. Just a joke. Go to your own pack for love and acceptance and to the other to reproduce.



WantToHaveALife
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10 Mar 2014, 9:46 pm

I don't believe it's how life meant us to be, we were meant to be with each other



em_tsuj
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14 Mar 2014, 9:25 pm

If I were you, I would look at this feeling as temporary. You have been hurt, so you don't want to feel that pain again. After a while, the pain will be a distant memory. You will once again be willing to open your heart to a woman. In the meantime, focus on non-sexual relationships. I didn't learn how to have male friends until I made a decision to temporarily stop seeking sex. It was the best decision I ever made socially. Men understand each other and support each other. I have to say, the most intimate relationships I have are non-sexual relationships with men. It's a beautiful thing to have true friendship. Also, when you have a lot of platonic relationships, there is someone to help you through the next relationship crisis. It is like having a safe social foundation to return to when you enter the emotionally dangerous world of dating.

Once you get used to being alone, you become much less willing to put up with BS just be in a relationship or have sex. It is just so much more peaceful not being in a relationship and not looking for one. It isn't lonely unless you wall yourself off completely from other people.

I am like you. I have made a conscious decision not to date. I also never plan on getting married or having children. I like being alone with no responsibilities way too much to make a commitment to anyone. That doesn't mean I am not open to a sexual or romantic relationship. It just means I am done searching. I jumped off society's romance train, pressuring people into marriage, relationships, and parenthood. How I got there, I think, is just by questioning myself about what I really want. Do I really want everything that comes with a relationship? Is it worth it for me? I have come to the conclusion that it is not worth it for me. I can get my emotional needs met without being in a romantic relationship. I can have fun. I can have love. I can even have sex. The only thing I can't have is that feeling of being in love, and that is something you can't force anyway. Good luck. Enjoy yourself. Heal your wounds and eventually somebody will come around who you are interested in and who is interested in you. It's inevitable if you are 29 and doing all the stuff you say you are doing.



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16 Mar 2014, 3:53 pm

em tusj, I couldn't have said that better myself. I too am in the same position. I'm just not searching anymore. If it happens, so be it. I have better things to do with my life than to endlessly pursue that "Helen of Troy" or "Beatrice" (Dante's ideal woman). I will still be open to romance, though; in the past I was not open to that before. I'm happy for you, and hope for the best. :D

My problem is finding a woman that likes or respects mathematics, music, and cartoons; also putting up with my quirks and terrible memory, as well as a temper that I'm desperately trying to fix. Oh well. May all here find what they are looking for.



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17 Mar 2014, 6:40 pm

Brianruns10 wrote:
I need to find a way to learn to be content as I am. How I can I repress, and banish away these desires for love? How can I squeeze thoughts of women out of my head and focus simply on living a good, quiet life dedicated to that which I can control, that which I am good at?


Don't try repressing anything, you can't and it could mess you up. It comes down to human need, and it's no good trying to put the switch into the off position because there isn't one.

I find it easier to be 'happy with myself' (I hate that saying btw) the more I learn about women, and how things truly are. So someone was nasty to you, start by figuring out why. Once you see the reason, your perceived value of her attention goes down.



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17 Mar 2014, 6:44 pm

savvyidentity wrote:
Brianruns10 wrote:
I need to find a way to learn to be content as I am. How I can I repress, and banish away these desires for love? How can I squeeze thoughts of women out of my head and focus simply on living a good, quiet life dedicated to that which I can control, that which I am good at?


Don't try repressing anything, you can't and it could mess you up. It comes down to human need, and it's no good trying to put the switch into the off position because there isn't one.

I find it easier to be 'happy with myself' (I hate that saying btw) the more I learn about women, and how things truly are. So someone was nasty to you, start by figuring out why. Once you see the reason, your perceived value of her attention goes down.


Um. If the person were able to understand/perceive the reason, they would not have been the sitting duck in the first place. No offense paduan.



JakeDay
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28 Mar 2014, 12:20 am

Whenever I actively look for love, I wind up remaining alone. Whenever I bury myself in my hobbies and talents, generally having a good time alone, then I find myself attracting partners by the dozen. One or two of them even meet my peculiar standards.



TheMighty_Moo
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28 Mar 2014, 2:10 am

Ah, pal, come here.. *epic moral-boosting high five*
You have a brilliant, wonderful mind with no limits. You're complete. You're awesome. Not everyone have the capacity to understand that. So remind yourself that you have the power to go on and keep on living. Pursue your path and your dreams. And when love seems to have come around again, don't run away. Allow it to inspire you. This way, instead of breaking you down, you'll see that it has made you stronger. If you fall, you can always come back up. You are the one that will keep you powerful. Keep it that way.
Good luck, pal. And stay awesome. 8)


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24 Apr 2014, 6:19 pm

Brianruns10 wrote:
TheGoggles wrote:
Brianruns10 wrote:
Yeah I know women aren't all the same. It's just that I'm done wasting time on them is all. If there is someone out there for me, I'm just no longer willing to continue with the search. I'd rather spend my time and my money on things within my control, things that make me happy, that I know won't abandon or hurt me.


Fair enough, but that's the exact same compulsion that I've seen in on every episode of Animal Hoarders.

Can confirm, have seen every episode.


Luckily I don't have any pets I had one dog growing up, and she was enough for a life time...there'll never be another pet as good as her, and the pain of remembering that loss has been enough to keep me from wanting another animal any time soon.

What keeps me busy are my antique restorations, which I sell to people who appreciate my labor and effort. And my vintage ball cards. These are passions that'll never call me names or reject me. They'll always be there for me.


Truth be told you can always rent the best thing that a relationship has to offer for about $200 an hour. Just do your homework on TER.



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24 Apr 2014, 6:37 pm

Get drunk, watch lots of anime, play video games preferably MMOs and you don't need anyone!


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