a different response to "what sexuality are you"

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There's a thread asking what sexuality everyone is. Most of the replies say straight, so there are a lot of straight people here, which is great, but I'm definitely gay. Not even bi, just gay. It's not a choice and I'm not unhappy with it. Totally straightacting though.

I love sex but hardly ever meet anyone, even for a one-night-stand, even though gay sex is (mythically) supposed to be easier to get casually. The older I get, the more I realise it would do me a lot of good to start changing that if I could. Or maybe I'm just being naive from lack of experience? Problem is, don't know how to talk to the people I like.

I only ever once managed to sustain anything kind of approaching a relationship for about 18 months 4 years ago - which makes it sound more successful than it actually was. It was the exception that proves (=tests) the rule.

What the f**k is wrong with me!! I'm not confused about sexuality. I'm confused about life, small talk, going out, meeting folk for the first time, keeping conversations going, that kind of stuff. I don't know what the bigger problem is --- is it fear --- or is it being too "fussy" about who I meet --- probably both connected. Result --- avoiding contact with the people I like because having feelings for someone totally blocks any ability to talk to them. So instead, on the rare occasions I go out, I end up only being approached by the people I don't fancy and don't want to talk to and end up acting really cold towards them, rather than just being relaxed about it.

Found that "guide to flirting" on another thread http://www.sirc.org/publik/flirt.html incredibly eye-openingly useful, but don't know if I have the courage, confidence or self-image to put it properly into action.

That's all I wanted to say.

You just have the same problem we all do in dating, relationships and meeting people. I guess it crosses all sexual orientations. I wish I could give you the magic advice. All I can say is we almost all experience what you do when trying to meet people.

antisexual

I've found most gay males to be the most superficial of all the preferences. I think that a gay man with AS probably has the hardest situation to face here.

I agree. Us gay men have it a lot harder... When i go into relationships with other men, i end up being shot down for not enjoying what normal gay men want: which is usually promiscuity.

iv only been out with a guy once (iv only been out with a girl once but anyway) im probly bi but i see myself as gay and i wear the gay pride colours on my wrist and go to a gay/bi/lesbian youth club. im 16 and Apparantly...cute i luv rock/metal music and hardcore dance which helps when i go to pride (a celebration gig of everything gay)
i find dating hard but im good at hiding my emotions and fronting
sex bores me and id say im in no way promiscuos. Although being sexually mature for my age (beyond reason) i find relationships the hardest to come by, thankfully i have many gay friends who also cannot find boy friends. iv used chat rooms in the past but no longer do as it was always older men talking to me trying to get a "fix" to their sexuall drives, this bored me and clubs offer no respite from this abomitable breed of gay men.
i find sex easy to come by but this is not helping as all iv ever done is have sex i have had only 1 relationship and i messed it up and became suicidal. im in need of advice for not getting used by other people and would gladly accept any that you have.
1 more thing...my only advice is stay strong in your principles if someone isn't good enough for you then they arn't good enough .period. bide your time and wait for the right guy he will come along but i messed my opportunity for that i will probly be lonely for the rest of my life.
good luck to you guys and i hope you have more luck than me. xxx

Even though the norm for gay men is to want promiscuity, there HAVE to be other gay men out there who are uncomfortable with that. Aspie or not, if you have a particular feeling, usually there ARE other people out there who feel the same way. The hard part is finding them.

Hey, thanks everybody for the replies.

And hey, SuPaStAr, it ain't over at 16! Nowhere near. It ain't even over at 30!! ! I've spent my whole life thinking like that and wish NOW I'd had the answer as to WHY a lot lot lot lot sooner! It's not until you're in your 40's that the age thing starts to kick in for real.

And as for old guys going after young guys, aye, it's sad, but everyone gets older. Everyone that's old was young just a few years ago. Remember it can be hard even for older people to actually fancy other older people. Certainly is for me, but that's probably more due to my depressing years of big unaware-of-being-aspie inexperience than anything else. But at 16 you've got masses of time to get yourself sorted out with someone your own age, if that's what you want, before things like that start happening. I know what it's like though. I did nothing in my twenties out of incomprehension with life.

I think the ideal is to meet someone your own age when you're still young and grow old together. It certainly would have been for me. And if you also know that you're AS, you've got a HUGE head start on me. I wish I'd known about it twenty years ago, or even just SIX years ago (before Richard). Even if you were 30 it's still young, believe me. I'd give anything to be 30 again because in hindsight you realise it isn't the disaster you thought it was going to be. I've maybe still got some years yet before the nightmare of young man in an old man's body starts to completely kick in, but you've got masses more. They don't last forever.

Don't know if that is helpful for you to hear though.

I prefer to be friends unless the other person really, really flips my super attraction switches by how they look. But even then I prefer to be able to be friends because that allows me to let down some of the barriers which in turn enhances the experience. By friends I mean to be able to get along and also to have some small talk as well as comfortable silences. Of course, it can only take an hour to get through the preliminaries of being friends!
Some where along the way you have to be brave.
I have to admit that my house is very comfortable and that allows me to not go out much. If I don't go out then I can't even meet the cable guy since I don't have cable.
Also, even though I like people a lot, like Albert, I am perfectly happy with my own company. That is one of my aspie traits. That doesn't help get me to go out and meet people.

I don't know how to break the news those at any age who don't know that it definitely isn't over even in the 50's. Yeah, I'm aging, but a little diminishing in some of the extreme fire is far exceeded by ability. I haven't thought about whether I'm typical. I'm not concerned with what is fashionable or typical or normal. I'm me, I work hard to be in good shape and in good health.

As far as old (so old, can you imagine, soooo olllllldddd) guys going after young guys, with all due respect, excuse me but just say "hey dude, you seem like a nice guy and you can pay my apartment rent and buy me a car but I only like to sleep with guys my own age (or whatever)." I think some of you are thinking to much about what you don't want rather than thinking about what you do want. I believe in your mind creating your reality. Focus on the positives and the positives will be more likely to happen. Push the negatives over on the side, out of the way and let them take care of themselves.
There are all sorts of people out there. Just say no thanks. There is nothing creepy about old and young or young and old or old and old or young and young or whatever and whatever.
I believe that everybody should have relationships with whatever type of people they like.
I suggest focusing on what ever mix each person finds attractive. In my teens I learned that I had to be brave, be assertive, say hello and yadayada with whomever I found attractive in order to ever become friends or intimate.
AI wish everybody, including myself, good luck and happiness.

Hey Benu,

thanks for the post. I have no problem with anyone doing what they want regardless of age so long as there isn't exploitation going on -- in WHICHEVER direction (either for looks or for money). It's when it's dishonest I can't stand it, or can't cope/ feel uneasy. Maybe that's an aspie extra-sensitised peice of crap-morality on my part, but I can't help it. But like I say, I have no problem with age difference relationships if they are sincere.

My problem is (1) I can't myself fancy older guys -- maybe that's just down to woeful inexperience but it's a fact and I won't be able to change it until I get more experience - older guys scare me even though I am now the same age (2) so in return I can't expect anyone that I DO fancy who is (say) in their thirties or late twenties to fancy me back even though I was good looking when I was that age and realise now I would have had no problem being fanciable -- urgh! -- that would be a just plain wrong expectation. The dumb rule in my head that comes from that is that I can't be the one that makes any approach - it has to come from the other person - and that just ain't gonna happen NOW due mostly to changes like greying hair which are upsetting me out of proportion to the way they should -- and finally (3) most of all I never learned, the way you say you did, to be brave when I was in my teens - or even in my twenties - or even in my thirties. I'm only for the first time coming to terms with the discovery that being aspie might have been at the heart of those problems. I can't fancy guys that are the same age as I am becoming. I can respect them, but I can't fancy them. And I need a sexual relationship I can enjoy before it's too late. (God, how hard it was to write the word "need", like it was a crime.)

It wasn't until I was just about to turn 40 that I even had anything approaching any kind of recognition that I had a right to exist, in a relationships kind of a way, and began to try to translate that into a recognition that I have a right to ask somebody out. I did once and it lasted for about a year and a half, but it was the wrong person for me and that is now four years ago. I still didn't know I was aspie at that point - hadn't even heard of it - and that's maybe part of the reason why it didn't work out. Recognising being aspie for the first time at forty-f**cking-five without having any experience behind you is just crap!! But it's still progress I guess. And I know it could be worse.

exploitation or dishonesty are bad things. It is not morality as much as what is the interaction about. I don't want a draining, taking or abuse. I don't mind giving, I give a lot. We all bring something to the table.

There is not a problem if you are following your interests. You either like or don't like or don't know, regardless follow your likes and let go of, don't dwell on, the negatives. Maybe it is a common aspie traits to keep chewing on things but one has to control oneself. I practice dwelling on positive and dismiss negatives.

I didn't have a word for myself, didn't even realize there was a special category for me, until I was 50. It helps to explain but I'm still me. I've always been analytical, including myself. I'm also accepting of flaws in everyone but try to work around them. some things can be changed or gone around and other things are ingrained. I"m not naturally super coordinated but with lots of practice I'm athletic and do better than a lot of people. While there really isn't any changing who I am or am not attracted to, either I am or I'm not. For example, I am not attracted to fat people, period. I have fat friends but it simply is not possible for me to get aroused with a fat person. Not going to happen. I have friends who love fat. I don't understand it, don't try and don't ponder it at all because they are entitled to whatever without my judgment. Judging is something that every human has to strive to keep from doing to other people and situations. Many philosophical, spiritual and religious disiplines discuss controlling the passing of judgment.

i seek understanding while I am on my journey.

Don't be hard on yourself or others. Let go of the past, it is rigid. The future is what we shape.

Thats nice, I'm unsure of my sexuality. I'm very confused. I used to be sexually attracted to women, now I'm rarely attracted to anything. I see women, and men. I know there attractive, but I just don't care.