Desperate for help

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Sorry this is so long and I'm sure you're probably all very sick of the, "do I have Asperger's?" posts but my partner and I are genuinely struggling; some of the issues have left us at breaking point. We've been together for a year and he is kind, affectionate and loving but some of the issues that we have had and the way in which he has handled them have let me off the rails frustrated, bitter and led me to start believing he could be a sociopath.

In recent times, a few of his friends who have known him for many years have approached me, asking if he was autistic and suddenly, so many things started to fit together. I could never make sense of how a man who was otherwise so loving sometimes had such little empathetic understanding of the issues we have faced.

1. He has a lifelong issue with food, sticking to very specific food groups and never venturing outside of them without feeling extremely anxious if it is even suggested or offerred to him. Every evening, I make him literally the same meal, detail for detail.

2. He is very technically-minded and methodical, excelling in things that involve some degree of engineering and seems to have just a natural knack for anything that falls under that bracket. He will spend hours and hours and hours obsessing over new projects and not realise that he is sometimes ignoring me.

3. Conversation can be limited with him - he only really speaks of a handful of subjects and at length, without any awareness of how much he is going on and on about them and when others are struggling to maintain attention. He will even divert conversations back to the topic if any digression is made. Certain subjects will cause him great anxiety and discomfort, particularly if they are opinionated or emotional in nature.

4. He faces great difficulty in the workplace and does not seem to get along with his work colleagues. His reports always describe him as technically excellent at his job, but not a great, 'team player'. Most days, he comes home and is very upset at how the day has gone and is currently on two different types of anxiety medication to manage at work.

5. The issues we have fought over have been what are considered common sense, standard relationship nuances that he did not seem to grasp, at all. I have reached out to friends to explain the issues, all of whom were baffled that he did not seem to understand. The behaviour continued for a period of time, even after he had seen me visibly upset and distressed over the problem, until I apparently finally explained it, "in a way [he] understands". The lack of empathy and inability to read how upset I was, was both confusing, infuriating and worrying to myself and others. I genuinely started to believe I was in a relationship with some kind of sociopath, yet I was utterly confused as he has never otherwise behaved in any way that suggested he would not care about or enjoy hurting me - if anything quite the opposite.

6. He likes routine, to the point that he finds it uncomfortable if I do not also stick to one. Earlier on in the relationship, he would actually write me up lists of things he thought I should do throughout the day, with allocated time slots. This was something I had to broach to him was not exactly, 'normal' and it eventually stopped.

7. He is hypersensitive, easily frustrated and made anxious about small things. If something minor goes wrong, the way in which he, 'loses his cool' is almost child-like and as though he cannot process what he's feeling, at all! Unusual things can cause him stress which are too specific to go into, but believe me when I say they are unusual.

8. He sometimes comes out with things that are so utterly inappropriate and disrespectful, seemingly without any awareness of what he's said.

Does this sound like he could be on the spectrum? He has friends who sometimes find him difficult, and he is generally thought of as someone who is, 'quirky' and 'different'. I didn't want this to turn into a mega long post, but I really need to get this out and get him the right help! He has seen his GP and been referred to the surgery's, 'Wellbeing team' - can they help refer him for an assessment, at least?

He seems Spectrum-ly in at least some respects.

I get flak from my wife for lacking empathy at times.

I'm sorry he's not giving you the emotional support you need.

I'm not always a "good team player" at work--but I'm pretty indispensable, so people just say I'm weird/quirky in an amiable sense, and leave me alone.

I hope he gets a thoroughgoing diagnostic assessment, satisfactory to you both.

Your boyfriend sounds like a jerk who treats you badly. He may well be an Aspie jerk who treats you badly, but, well, he's still a jerk.

Cut bait. Life's too short to put up with this kind of &$)@!

From the post, I don't see how he is a jerk. But still, a relationship requires that you adapt to the other person—especially if you are autistic.

Unfortunately, a lot of people seem to use their autism as an excuse to be a jerk (I repeatedly find such stories on this forum). If that applies to him, do not accept it.

Both have to adapt equally, for god's sake!

Just adapt, man! Stop being so darn stubborn!