I'm actually jealous of autistics in relationships

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Note: since this is one of Darkphantomx1's thread, this may offend some of you but please hear me out. I tend to not filter things, just a heads up.


Iv'e known at least 40+ people in their teens and early 20s with autism/aspergers in real life and only two of them have had a girlfriend. I mean we're socially awkward, some of us don't even live on our own and drive so how the hell could we attract women?

And then I come to Wrong Planet forums and I see users on here who are teenagers like Outrider and then some other early 20 year olds who are in relationships or who claim they're drowning in p**** and i'm like what the hell?!

Because it's like i'm so used to autistics being dateless virgins in real life and now all of a sudden, theres guys on Wrong Planet who are in relationships, not virgins, and sexual experts, by the time they're 20 years old. It's just unbelievable for me. How can you be autistic and be successful with women? I just can't believe it. That's why I feel like some people actually arne't autistic at all, just fake ass wannabe's who think that because they're shy, nerdy, and quirky means they have aspergers even though they're not really impaired at all. And if there's one thing I don't like, it's fake ass wannabes.


And if autistics are getting a girlfriend/getting laid before me, it means i'm a loser.


We all want the things we have wanted our whole lives but have never had. Because it goes unfulfilled.
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Being in a relationship isn't all that. It has its good and its bad sides. Don't see it as a must, many people stay single their whole lives regardless of any disability, often voluntarily.

And being attractive to women has more to do with looks (because let's admit it, we're all superficial in that aspect) and being a likeable person. At least from my experience. I don't have great social skills because of my autism, but at the same time I'm a lot more considerate and honest - also because of my autism. And girls appreciate that because it's hard to find in people nowadays. Turn your weakness into a strength I suppose.

I coudn't do that, you know how long its been since iv'e liked girls? Since kindergarden and that was when most guys didn't even care about girls. Iv'e always desired a girlfriend since I was very young and that will never change. And no don't give me that you don't want a girlfriend talk because you don't learn by people telling you what it's like, you learn by experiencing it yourself.

Only when I lose my virginity and have had a girlfriend will I be able to say yeah relationships aren't all that. Only then can I appreciate being single.

Lol at least you've already realized this.

Relationships really aren't all that, you'll learn once you enter one, they say.

Well I disagree and still don't see what they mean.

Yeah, being single is better than being in a bad relationship, but being in a good relationship is better than both.

And i hacen't really been that successful. Two girlfriends, the first one a terrible relationship where we broke up and got back together at least once, lasted a total of 17 days. The second girl, 1 month and 1 week. And, when out and about in public, I get attention from females quite a bit. Not all the time, but at least 10% of the time at most I can get attention. I was almost approached by girls my age when just getting the mail a few weeks ago, just the other day after swimming I was shirtless at the shops with family and this female I thought was already a young adult kept exchanging looks with me and smiling lightly. She must have been my age then...

Being a good person helps, but I was by no means a 'nice guy'. I've always considered myself a 'decent guy' and don't really believe in 'good and 'bad' but that there are always shades of grey. I have positive traits, but a few negative ones as well. Seriously, i could be a real a55h•le back in school sometimes, but this didn't stop me.

My main success darkphantomx1 was from developing good social skills and confidence throughout high school through constant trial and error. I've suffered more rejection for friendships and relationships than success but this is what helped me keep learning from my mistakes to become a success.

My main skill these days is, especially in real-life conversation, I can actually talk to females like they'e a person. I can make them laugh, keep them entertained, etc. This is the main skill that managed for me to find success with females.

That's my advice darkphantomx1. Just develop confidence. Becoming a nice person who actually respects women can also help, but I feel like that's far less likely to happen.

I'm very good at making people laugh and always treat women as people. That's never gotten me anywhere.

^^ I think there's a balance. You need to be a nice, honest guy, but also not a timid one. I think one of the biggest issue is, the nice guys usually lack confidence, and the confident ones are often dicks. Women usually like some level of confidence, but not arrogance. Nice, but not a p****. Funny, but not a clown.

I'm no expert either. While I'm married, I've only been with three women my whole life. But these are my observations and information gathered from actually asking women and reading up on the subject.

And for the record, two points to darkphantomx1:

1- Just because someone has better success in overcoming a difficulty than you doesn't automatically mean their difficulty is less than yours. Maybe they are just better at dealing with it than you are. It happens. We're all different in what we can adapt to and how well we can do it.

2- Just because someone participates in Wrong Planet despite the absence of a formal diagnosis, it doesn't make them a wannabe. It's really not that cool to lie about. Some people are just looking for answers, and as someone who falls under that category, I'm learning there are many mental deficiencies that can produce similar difficulties as autism. And even among autists, symptoms seem to differ greatly. The name of whatever it is in many cases is mere semantics. Struggle is struggle. Don't look down on others who are looking for help or to identify just like you are.

My first girlfriend, both of us just turned 18, wanted me because (as I realised when I left her in order to preserve what there was of my sanity) she wanted to replay her last relationship, having just been dumped. She wanted to make me into her ex, down to actually encouraging me to grow similar facial hair and giving me a jumper she'd bought for him but never got round to giving him (it was a really nice jumper, mind). I was game enough for it, for a bit at least, because I just wanted to be wanted, and because I was in the midst of a nervous breakdown. She was my first kiss, and a few other things, though I (gladly) came away still a virgin.

From fairly early on, I understood I was weird, though it's taken me much of my life to see how weird. I never quite fitted in, though I never really felt ostracised as a child, and in my teens I happily drifted to the periphery of things. As such, I never really sought to be 'normal', or to attain 'normality'. In my early teens, I was really into mountain biking, and had some friends who shared this. As that fell away, as they got interested in going places, I stopped socialising, and have never really felt the need to do so.

My big, serious dream from 12 or 13 on was to work as a clerk at a local bank or main post office, and to live alone (well, probably with a cat) in a flat in a low rise near to where I lived. No trail of girlfriends/'success with women', no big important busy career, no parties or socialising. That picture still holds appeal now.

When my mind did turn to girls/women, I wanted the couple as a world unto themselves. It was about taking the world I made for myself, and weaving it with theirs. Still is, and in a way that's what I've done.

I met the woman who became Mrs Hopper not long before I turned 19. I didn't know how weird she was. I just knew I liked her. And, for some reason, she liked me. I got lucky, no doubt. I was initially oblivious to her interest, which she took to be my not being interested in her, or playing hard to get. Luckily, she was persistent. She had and has her eccentricities and her struggles, as I had mine. In some ways we couldn't be a better match, in others we really struggle to get right with each other. We separated for a while, getting back together with a better understanding of ourselves and each other.

The other day, in response to a remark I made (can't remember what), she said 'I do like you'. I asked why. She thought for a moment, and said 'you're interesting, and witty. Intelligent and perceptive. I like your 'you'ness. You're also handsome and sexy'. Now, I'd question those, as would millions - nay, billions - of women (and men). But she doesn't. I'm average looks (I'm not good-looking, but I don't think I'm off-putting, either), tending to overweight. If I make my millions - or even national average income - it'll be by fluke. My character is as you may take from my posts. But, she likes me, as have a few other women. Go figure.

The last few years she has come to suspect she may be autistic.

I wasn't assessed and diagnosed til I was 31-32. I know my social difficulties (if my script for our interaction runs out and/or I can't make you laugh, I'm screwed). I know my preference and need for time alone. I know my sensory issues, and my need for routine and plans. Looking back, I can see that since early adolescence I've gradually built a world for myself, and kept to it as much as possible. It was this that allowed me to think I wasn't as weird as I am, and allowed me to survive. It was also this that caused a fair few problems in my marriage, and the relationship I had while separated. Take me out of that world, and I flounder. Hence my need to be in my head as much as possible.

I got lucky. Not just that Mrs Hopper and I happened upon each other, but that I always preferred the 'weird'. I cannot offer the 'normal', but nor do I want it. We want what we want, and it must be heartbreaking to want to be in that 'normal' world but not be able to. Tragedies have been written about such.

So my advice would be, if you can, to go weird.

I envy basically everyone, and there's no reason to make an exception for autistics in relationships.

(The harsher morniong after the lyrical night. Also, DEATH TO CAPTCHA)

What effort is anyone bemoaning their lack of success putting in?

I have never approached a woman cold, or tried to woo her IRL. There's always been a medium of communication. My first girlfriend I met through penpal ads in the back of a music magazine. Mrs Hopper I met through a dating voice ad phone line. When we separated, I tried internet dating, and got some interest, a few dates/meet-ups and a relationship out of it.

I have no interest in 'drowning in p****'. If I did, I'd get out there and try and at least get wet. I'd do what I could to change myself into the sort of person (and there's more than one) who may be 'drowning in p****'. You can go the meat market nightclub route, or you can go the more bohemian-tinged subculture route. I've seen no mention of that here.

My first girlfriend just wanted anyone. I happened to be anyone, and happened to not have any standards. It was largely hell, though there's a few fond memories - the whole 'I'm going to remake you in the image of my ex and also try and work through some issues from my childhood' thing aside, she could be good company. I walked away from that relationship with actual standards, and happier for it. Hopefully she did, too.

As I said, Mrs Hopper is likely autistic herself. And it can be a serious struggle to make things work. But we try, in part because we know there's not really any other option.

...tbc

During the separation, aged about 28 to 33, I had a girlfriend. That lasted about a year. Getting her wasn't that difficult (I managed to take some good photos, and my profile was a work of brilliance). The difficulty was finding women in whom I was interested. In that sense, we got each other - there was minimal pursuit, just a growing mutual interest. Keeping a relationship going was the problem. Because, as it turns out, I'm s**t at relationships with the non-autistic. And though she was pretty weird, she was also entranced by the 'normal'. I can't do 'normal'.

I can plough my own furrow, out on the edges of the field. And with a little luck, there'll be a woman there doing the same. And with some effort, we might be able to make something work.


...

Be you, and be comfortable with it (and, as I say, if this means changing, then do so). It isn't appealing, except to the wrong kind of person, for someone to be self-loathing; to be willing to be with anyone (way to make that potential partner feel special!). There's no security in trying to make something work with someone who'll have anyone, who is uncomfortable with who they are.

Anyone here bemoaning their lack of luck could meet any or all of these women I've been involved with and think 'eesh, no thanks'. You may pass them on the street and barely notice them, because they simply don't register as being of possible romantic interest to you.

Where are you all looking? Where are you all to be found? What do you have to offer? What do you want? Who are you? Is there really nothing you can do to improve your chances, be it a change of clothes or a change of attitude?

(Apologies for multipost. CAPTCHA hates me this morning)

As one of those who had been sexually involved in my teens and had relationships... Trust me.. You have no reason to be jealous.

Really. I wish I hadn't. These are years of my life that I will never get back, filled with abuse that has lead to ptsd and anxiety issues that I deal with every single day.

As for how I was able to do that while being autistic?

That's a pretty simple answer.

I was "cute", in that scrawny, pale, nerdy sort of way. That way in which most people weren't attracted to me.. but there are people who like that sort of thing.. And being socially awkward, quiet, agreeable.. Basically a doormat.. There are people who search out people like that and basically prey on them, because they want someone to push around and abuse, that they know will take it. And I did take it..

I didn't defend myself or try to leave. They all dumped me, actually. And once they did, it was very obvious how little I meant to them. The worst case of that was a three year relationship, in which she dumped me, and within a week, was in a new relationship.

It wasn't until I was in my 30s that I met someone who actually seems to like me. And I think it's a bit unfortunate that I put myself through such hell when I was younger, because at the start of this relationship, I had a lot of trust issues, especially when it comes to a person's intentions with me.. along with all of my anxiety... I feel like I could have been a better person for her, if hadn't put myself through all of that.

But all I can do is learn from those mistakes and move forward with my life.

Also, the biggest reason that this relationship actually works is because we're a lot alike. While most people wouldn't understand our specific needs in a relationship.. we seem to understand each other. For instance, most people want to go out to social gatherings with their partner, while neither of us would have the desire to do that.

We all struggle with our own issues and the paths that we take in life. Each story is unique. I've also noticed that the way we were raised seems to affect our sexual behaviours and relationships. I especially notice a difference in those who were diagnosed early and those who were not.