Help Needed in Understanding Aspies’ Change Resistance

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Hi, I’ve been ‘sort of’ dating this wonderful undiagnosed Aspie guy for a couple of years now. I have to indicate early on in this query that I think he doesn’t have an inkling of the possibility of him having Asperger’s. I’ll get to how I suspected he’s in the spectrum later.

Anyway, it was a long distance thing; I’d take a month-long trip twice or thrice a year just to spend time with him since 2015, and he was just the happiest to see me every time. He’d cook for me, take me out on dinner dates, give me gifts, watch movies — basically, the works minus intercourse. I have clearly stated that I like him, and a few months after that, he has even confessed that he loves me. It was when I came home after that trip that a close friend of mine, who had just been diagnosed with Asperger’s at that time, suggested that this guy I’m dating might also be on the spectrum after I told her that I find his lack of communication and follow throughs problematic, plus the fact of him being oblivious to social cues. So I started reading and researching about Asperger’s; I devoured every article and blog I could find on the internet about it, I’ve pored through forums (only mustered courage to post here now) to understand his condition. All this happened in 2016.

Fast forward to early 2017, I made a decision to ask him directly about his intentions so we could take the next step, which is mutually agreeing to commit to an exclusive relationship. So one night after taking me out for dinner and coffee, I initiated ‘the talk’ — my intro was to ask if we just had a date. To my surprise, he denied it and said that we were just friends going out (I have to emphasize here that he refuses to let me pay for my meals whenever he asks me out, which is something he doesn’t do for his other friends). I felt the need to remind him of his actions, of his messages where he was clearly trying to win my affection, and most importantly, his confession. He has short circuited at that point, making excuses that he didn’t know what he was saying and that he was stupid for saying such things.

I was hurt and disappointed with his reaction to that confrontation, so I needed to distance myself for several months. I did my research to understand why his response was like that, and I read similar cases which may be attributed to Aspies’ change resistance. Looking back, I think I should have at least prepared him for the conversation that was about to transpire.

Late last year, he has come home to our country for good, so I decided to take courage to be the one to reach out after he dropped me a simple birthday greeting on my Facebook wall. At this point, I am fully aware that I will have to be the one to take intiative should I pursue a relationship with him. We are now back in contact, and my first meeting with him after 8 months of not seeing him went pretty well.

So my questions now are:
1. Was it right to attribute his response to our confrontation as Aspies’ resistance to change?
2. I plan to initiate the talk again but on a much more direct and ‘mild’ manner. Do you think that’s a good idea? What’s the best way to go about this without him short circuiting on me again?

I would greatly appreciate your input and any advice you can give. Thank you so much for taking time to read this rather lengthy query.

It seems to me that this person has some sort of "fear of commitment."

I really can't tell if he's on the Spectrum----though you said some things which indicate this might, at least, be a consideration.

Do you hug and kiss and kanoodle (be cozy with each other)?

Do you want to wait for marriage before you "make love" fully? Does he?

What I'm seeing from this person is a certain amount of "fear of commitment," more than anything else. He might, or might not be, on the Spectrum. I can't really tell.

It's not an absolute thing, this "fear of commitment." I just bought it up as a possibility.

Maybe he has no "fear of commitment," and is really doing the best he can.

If you really want to get involved with this person, you'll have to be able to tolerate his quirks in the long haul. Do you love him enough to do that?

It's either fear of commitment, he is just clueless about his own feelings: alexithymia, he just doesn't like/understand the whole romantic/dating mess or he doesn't really like you but is "playing his role" because he sees you like when he does and he likes making people/you happy.

Either case you might have better chance starting off as "FwB" than a "couple" if you want to get physical/think about future with him. After that you might progress smoothly to living together and getting married, without the "officially dating" period.

If he's aspie, then yes his reaction can be seen as arising from fear of change; you've got a comfortable thing going, and making it a 'relationship' means also having the possibility of a breakup. And his social skill problems might have led to him having low self-confidence in things like maintaining a relationship or a family. From that point of view, it would be nice if things just continued the way they are - but things can't forever continue the way they are, so break him into the idea by reassuring him that your existing relationship will continue as it is, only stronger. Assure him that you can handle his quirks and communication issues (and even more importantly, honestly assess yourself and make sure that you can.)

At the same time, make sure that his actions make sense for someone with good intentions, even if the execution is sometimes shaky. Don't allow his neurodiversity to become your internal excuse for allowing him to possibly take advantage of you.