Is it really so bad to be in the "friend zone?"

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There is a woman I work with whom I started to feel attracted to after working with her for about a year. One day her car needed repair, so she had it in the shop. She was going to have her sister pick her up early from work to bring her to the dealership to pick it up, but I volunteered and said it was on my way home anyway and that I could take her. She accepted. We had an amazing conversation in the car. I couldn't believe how much we seemed to just "click." Anyway, I wrote her a note saying that I really enjoyed our conversation and I was wondering if she might join me for tea sometime so we could talk some more. She said she enjoyed our conversation too, but that she has a lot going on at home right now with her parents needing care and she also doesn't feel like going out much because of the recent death of her stepson, but she would love to spend more time with me to talk, perhaps at lunch since we have a common lunch hour. So we started taking lunch together just about every day. It turns out we have an awful lot in common and we get along really great. I found myself falling in love with her. I wrote her another note telling her how I felt. She wrote back saying that although she's attracted to me and there's no reason why she wouldn't go out with me, she is still dealing with the death of her partner and she just doesn't ever see herself in another relationship ever again and she doesn't think she'll ever change her mind about that. I told her that was fine, that I wasn't necessarily looking for an intimate relationship anyway, that I would be happy if we were just friends. In all honesty, I don't despise physical affection, but I don't really need it either. I just need someone I can bond with emotionally, and she seems to fit the bill perfectly. She says she has ADD, but I think that she might also be on the spectrum like me. I've never really had a friend before that knows what I go through in dealing with other people...the frustration, the alienation, etc. She gets it because she experiences the same things. Anyway, I find myself totally in love with her now.

So here's where I'm asking for advice... Is it wise to be in love with a friend like this? I had a similar situation several years ago where I was friends with another woman for about 3 years and completely in love with her, and it was the happiest time of my life until we had an argument and she ended our friendship. Or is this completely unhealthy? I think she may be feeling a little overwhelmed by the outpouring of affection she's been getting from me, so I'm trying to hold back as much as I can. But ultimately, I think I can make this work. Or am I just fooling myself? Neither of us are very good with interpersonal relationships, but we just seem to go together so well, like hand in glove. I just wish I knew if we're ultimately going to be happy, or if I'm setting myself up for a massive heartbreak somewhere down the road. Again, celibacy suits me fine, so it's not like I'm going to get sexually frustrated with the situation. Can it work? Also, there's a bit of a generational gap. I'm in my 40's; she's in her 60's. I don't know if that makes a difference or not.

It seems fine to me. It seems more like a ND relationship than a friendship, and since you suspect she is on the spectrum too, that should work fine.

I consider a good friendship to be golden, so it's fine to be in the friend zone - but what worries me is that you seem to want more, and think that in time, you might get more. So I think you might not be honest with yourself, and ultimately this could end the way that previous friendship did.

I suggest you back way off and acknowledge that your friend has told you her limits. She really does have a lot on her plate, and you need to respect her need to avoid confusing emotions. That's my take on it, anyway.

I think the problem is that friendships are not natural for neurodiverse (ND) people. Many NDs are in "friendships" that seems to be relationships or want-to-be relationships. This can be problematic if the other person sees it as a friendship, and also is dating or seeking a partner elsewhere. However, in this case, the woman doesn't want to date and doesn't seek a partner, and so things might proceed in the natural ND way.

No not at all although if it becomes painful because your feelings are so strong for that person then it would probably be best for both involved to leave the friendship. Imagine if this person meets someone else, could you handle it and be okay with it or would you be filled with sadness and jealousy? Of course a friendship can always evolve and many relationships start in friendship but it might even take years and it can never be guaranteed plus if you're secretly hoping for more it might show even if you try to hide it best you can and it can get uncomfortable for her.

No, you’ll live.

I would rather be ghosted than stuck in the friend zone.

Most Aspies could use any experience with relationships, so being in the friend zone will add to that.

The friend zone is not a relationship; it's a condition of being known by someone while being virtually ignored by them at the same time -- while they may greet you and ask you how you are, they will likely never want to "hang out" or go on a date with you.

It depends on how valuable the friendship. I fell in love with a woman a little over four years ago, but she was done with relationships. But we had a very strong connection and many similarities. Neither of us were willing to throw that away.


Sadly, she was suffering from depression and ended her life three years ago.

If both people honestly want the same thing out of the relationship, then fine, but if each person has different expectations, it can, and usually does become a problem. You can't just switch off a romantic attraction towards someone.


If I am romantically interested in someone, I don't see the point in being close friends with them, unless I'm certain the feelings are mutual, and they want the same thing out of the relationship. To me, this never has been, or will be, a true platonic friendship. Also, why waste time pursuing someone that has already told you they aren't interested in dating right now, and may, or may not ever be. I think you would be better off in the long run, scaling back this "friendship", and spend the time pursuing someone else, that is actually interested in dating you right now.

I guess that depends if you're thankful to be living & breathing or not. WTF is with people viewing their friends negatively? Seriously? I'm happy there are people in my life, otherwise there would just be LCD screens.

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