Do We Choose Who We Fall in Love With...Yes, or No???

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I will attend my Christian meeting shortly...Via Zoom due to this pandemic...In appx two hours after, i will gladly relate my love story...Thank you for asking...

Marriage is over-rated. Monogamy takes some of the enjoyment out of being alive.

I'm actually better suited to manogomy ironicaly. The thing I hate about dating is always having to meet new people and try to get to know them. It burns me out. Especially when I'm constantly not clicking with people. It's exhausting. I just want one person I can trust.

That's why I chose the option that you can't choose who you love. I'd have chosen a logical partner by now, but there's more to it. They've got to have feelings for you for a start. I can't find one of those let alone multiples lol

Last edited by hurtloam on 06 Dec 2020, 5:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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I was in the best time of my life when i met he who became my beloved (Aspie) husband....We were both volunteering our time to assist the Haitian community...At the same time, i was getting to know someone i had recently met while traveling to Mexico on vacation...This last one was an excellent prospect...He shared my same faith in God and value system...And he did, in fact, showed genuine interest in me...As we were getting to know each other, we were surely compatible...And, we had everything in our favor to eventually become a couple...According to LOGIC, anyway...I was willing to consider him...Not out of desperation; but because i could see many beautiful qualities in him that would make him a good match for me...

However, while we were getting to know each other long distance...And while my compatible prospect hesitated...My Language Professor (my beloved Aspie husband) who taught me, among other adult students--once per week only--also began to show genuine interest in me...And he did not hesitate...He knew that he wanted to marry me since the very beginning...He was focused and determined...Two qualities i most admire in a man...I can assure you it was never, never, never our deliberate intent to fall in love with each other...In fact, i was very reluctant to date him; but he would not take "No" for an answer...And i ended-up falling in love with his brain...Which appears to be trained like that of an attorney...And his arguments against mine were solid and convincing...(I have a BA in Legal Studies and one decade of experience in said profession; so, i love a challenge...But this challenge has proven to be too much for both of us neuro-diverse people in love)...

I knew the odds were totally against us...But, LOVE happened ...Despite and in spite our many, many, many differences, challenges, difficulties, we encountered since the very beginning of our courtship...The Almighty God has kept us together in these difficult times, when LOVE itself is not sufficient to endure and to overcome all of the trials and tribulations a marriage invariably encounters...We will soon be celebrating our second wedding anniversary...May God bless my marriage with peace, tranquility, and happiness for many, many, many years to come, hopefully for a life-time...

Post-Script: I will soon be celebrating my second wedding anniversary...My beloved (Aspie) husband will probably not celebrate with me...As he did not on our first wedding anniversary...At that time, he was a respectful observant, just happy to see me happy...And for now that is enough for me...

Ah so there was some logic in there. It's hard enough to find someone with a compatible outlook, trying find love in that tiny pool is even more difficult.

Funnily enough, my sister and her husband don't celebrate their wedding anniversary, even though they are happy, or maybe because they are happy, they don't see the point. Neither of them are aspies. I don't think it's common, but it's not unheard of.

This reminds me of a random story. I volunteered to help a group and met a nice young man who chatted me up. I was flattered and annoyed. I've never been too old for someone before. He's 15 years younger than me. Not a good match. You have a different outlook in your late 30s to the wide eyed optimism of a millennial. Anyway, I got sick and had to give up the volunteering. I don't think he ever worked out how old I was lol. Poor kid probably thought I had rejected him, not just gracefully stepped to the side. He's been here there and everywhere helping out with things. He's the type who's probably been to Haiti or the DR. The type who would build a house if someone needed it.

Logical choice to a certain extent, but also totally illogical. Cute though

Some people feel that way.
Some people don't get me.
Some people have a problem with my style, but it isn't common.

I am glad, for your sake, that you can appreciate my brilliance.

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Oh no!! !...You should have given him a chance...Or better stated, you should have given yourself a chance...Aspies do not age...I mean you always look much younger...So, i am sure the age difference would not be noticeable...

As to my beloved (Aspie) husband and i...I am considerably older than him; but he beats me in life experience...So, we even out...Plus, my physical age is not what my birth certificate shows...I am always told, i appear much younger...Though i don't feel younger due to many health afflictions...But that is a different topic...

Anyway, getting back to subject...I think there was some LOGIC had i chosen to date the other man...With respect to my beloved (Aspie) husband, i dated him without regard to logic...I simply followed my heart and could not resist him...In our case, it was just like the famous poet Neruda describes it...Love hit me like a lighting bolt and cut me in half...

A subconscious choice, of an organism, is still a choice.
You are talking about consciously choosing.

I doubt I will ever fall into that platonic luv trap again, but if the situation did arise, it would be a *conscious* decision.
I'm rooly intellectual, and "feelings" take a back seat to rationality.

As I mentioned before, "different strokes for different folks".

Yeah I can't see myself ever swooning over someone who isn't right for me again.

When I was younger I fell head over heels for some totally inappropriate men and didn't know how to cope with it. These feelings were intense and they (the feelings) chose me rather than me choosing them.

I think as you get older, you get used to the stupid hormone rush and can put it to one side and get on with life if the feelings aren't useful or aren't going anywhere i.e. someone is already married.

You can stop feelings, but you can't make them grow when you want them to if there is no spark.

"Romantic luv" has been "designed" by evolution, for the porpoise of reproducing. [squeak]
If you are an oxytocin junky, outside of the reproduction age range, that is up to you, but you aren't doing it "right".

Romantic luv is called "The Madness" for a good reason.
Platonic luv can be as powerful as romantic luv, and in my mind, a "greater" experience, since it incorporates the intellect more so than the emotional component.

I'd rather rationality be in control than unruly, undisciplined emotionalism.

I called it quits, on romantic relationships, when I was 29.
I beat you by 10 years.

Companionship is good, also.



"Life's a biatch, and then you die".
Agreed.

And *that* is why it is a *conscious* decision to fall in luv with someone.

The *key* ingredient in the initiation of a luving relationship is reciprocity.
If you fall in "luv" with someone who does return affectionate feelings, it isn't "luv", it is limerence/infatuation.
Hence the involvement of choice.

Luv, or limerence.
Name your poison.

Nah, my confidence was shot at that point. I was asked out by someone younger than me before that (but not *that* much younger) and he made me feel like trash. I've never felt so stupid and old and ugly. He just flipped a switch one day and I was out. My brain couldn't process it. I'm not letting a younger man lull me into a false sense of security again.

If he had found out how old I am he wouldn't have been interested. Also covid happened and there is no way to run into qleach other again.

I do have a lot of life experience. I'm a wise old crow now stuck in Gen X cynicism forever. These whipper snappers aren't for me. I always liked older men and now I'm old enough to date 40 year olds there are no single ones. Bummer.

The point I'm making is, there are some things that are selected for you, regardless of the accessible machinations of your own brain. You made a post earlier in this thread along the lines of "people choose to pair up with other people, rather than different species, so clearly there's some choice involved" but I'd argue that proves the opposite. It's only a meaningful choice if you have the power to change it, which in those circumstances we don't. You're in love or you're not. You're attracted to certain people or you're not. Which is why "correctional therapy" for homosexuality is bloody ridiculous. What we do have is the power to recognise the falling in love bit happening and then go, "Oh no, thanks very much". You're still in love, but you're choosing not to act on it. In terms of the OP's question, that's shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted, though.

That doesn't make any sense.