Relationship help with someone with Asperger's

Post Reply New Topic

My fiancee has Asperger's but despite that most of the time he's very social and acts "normal" (I hate that word).

However when he spends over 4 hours with his friends he becomes withdrawn. At first I didn't see that as being odd since I do the same thing. But he gets to the point where he can't function.

This last time he started to rip up paper and stack it. Now I'm just fine with that he can do what ever he needs to to make himself feel better (as long as it doesn't involve any bodily harm to himself or anyone else). But his friends then worry and try to get him to stop. He goes through his manga (graphic novels) and reorganizes them. He reorganizes DVDs, and other things. He can't make decisions even simple ones like if he's hungry or not.

When he acts like this he keeps asking me, "Why can't I be normal?". He also told me that this was how he really was and that the rest of the time how he acted was just that, an act.

I don't mind this. But he does, and so do his friends.

How do I support him through this? Am I doing the right thing?

The best thing you can do, stick with him. You've already accepted the fact that his behavior can be a little different and presumably so have his friends. After four hours with friends my conversational skills are almost reduced to zero and I pass the time solving math problems in my head, some NT's might view this as better than tearing up bits of paper but not others.

One thing which may help. Arrange a set of signals between you and your boyfriend so that if he does something outside the acceptable norm when you are in company you can let him know. My girlfriend does this by either cleaning her glasses or (if she is wearing contacts) asks if I need a tissue.

Ed Almos

Thank you all so much. That really helped.

I think the option to take a break after 4 hours (4 hours! ) is a good idea. Just try to build this into the 'arrangements' or whatever.

Nobody should be stuck together for 4 hours there should be laws against that. Ok when there is other things to do then fine, but just chatting non stop for 4 hours is excessive.

He doesn’t need to be ‘normal’. If he comes across as quite self sufficient but not seeming bored that is fine. They can put it down to being 'quietly confident'. If they have a problem with that he has the option of calling them needy. I doubt they will make a fuss.

Your 'job" is not to support him.. you are there to support each other. The other they call co-dependency. Make sure he has plenty of other traits that make him worthwhile and are the reason why you love him.. You and other Aspies out there may nto want to hear this but Aspies are very hard to live with. Even though you think you know him (and accept him) you don't really grasp it until much much later. the idiosyncrasies seem cute and make him unique at firt st but later drives you bonkers (even to the point where you don't even act like yourself in sheer frustration.. and you can wind up very lonely.. because he doesn't really need you as much as maybe you need him. At least he cannot make you understand that. My Aspie husband is wonderful. As mucha s any Aspie can try, believe me he DOES.. but still its' very difficult and often I feel lonely. You are not yet married.. it coudl get much mroe complicated (and more painful) if there has to be a separation after you tie your assets together and possibly even have children.. My advice; There can be many wonderful things to share with an Aspie person. . give him your love and attention.. keep it as a deep and even sexual friendship... but don't expect more than they can give. If you do, you will not only let yourself down, you will let them down as well.

ca you talk to his friends? i think they should maybe try to be more understanding... they could be a real source of tension and not realize it... trying to make him be another way