Women Are Rarely Direct With You About Not Being Interested

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Champagne supernova
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04 May 2021, 9:25 am

Exactly get off with someone else and enjoy yourself. She'll probably get jealous and fancy you even more further down the line.
As with a lot of things, overthinking in these situations rarely helps. Make a decision, stick with it and learn from it later. I used to get overwhelmed which sort of froze me. But now I go one way or the other it may not be the right move but at least it's a move which can be learnt from.



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04 May 2021, 10:46 am

Champagne supernova wrote:
What you need to do with these women is if they don't want to be with you, stop messaging them. Say look we can chat over a drink or going for a walk. Don't be friends with them. All this nonsense about saying they're busy etc. Say fine give me a call when you wanna hang out. If she messages you any nonsense asking to catch up don't keep messaging her back and say oh we can catch up doing this or doing that. Don't let them catch up on social media or by text.
The thing is that I liked having friends as well. The issue is that I developed feelings for women after I knew them a bit & I thought I'd might have a chance with them. I can accept them not feeling the same way about me but I like knowing where I stand with people. If they woulda just turned me down in a nice way, I probably woulda been a tad upset but it woulda mostly been directed at myself. I'd feel bad for being unattractive, screwing up, & embarrassing myself but I would not of taken it out on them. I woulda been OK with being their friend & I would not of intentionally made another move on them. I woulda accepted just being their friend if we had nice conversations before & after. There's even a chance that their woman perspective woulda been useful to me down the road. Perhaps they woulda had a suggestion or something that would help me be more attractive, make a better impression, or have an idea on how & where to meet someone. I have a problem with indirectness, indecisiveness, & plans being up in the air. It's confusing & frustrating for me to deal with.


Champagne supernova wrote:
Exactly get off with someone else and enjoy yourself. She'll probably get jealous and fancy you even more further down the line.
One time a woman told me that she just wanted to be friends & I of corse interpreted that as her not being interested in me as more than a friend & I accepted that. A month later I made a comment about how I just joined a new dating site(site had been out a while but it was new to me) & I woulda been happy to have some input regarding my profile. She got upset & got mad at me. Apparently "lets just be friends" really means lets just be friends for now & consider the possibility of a relationship with each other :huh: How the hell was I supposed to know that :? I am NOT an empath or a telepath. I wish more people would say what they mean & mean what they say.


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04 May 2021, 10:50 am

nick007 wrote:
... Apparently "lets just be friends" really means lets just be friends for now & consider the possibility of a relationship with each other...
↑ This has happened to me only once in 60+ years.  I have lost count of the number of times "Let's just be friends" really seemed to mean "Let us avoid each other as much as possible while still acting as if we were friends if we meet".
nick007 wrote:
I wish more people would say what they mean & mean what they say.
I am with you 100% on that!


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04 May 2021, 11:32 am

They don't want to directly tell you because they don't want to hurt your feelings directly so when they do stuff like this it is a hint for you to take that they are not interested in you in that capacity. It would hurt you more if they came to your face and told you they were not interested in you. Plus women do get harassed and told a manner of disgusting things when they reject someone cause not all men can handle rejection in a civilized way.


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Champagne supernova
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04 May 2021, 11:39 am

All good points. What you need to focus on is differentiating yourself from the crowd. Let's be honest the average guy is a bit of an idiot. If you are like me all you need to do is be a bit less serious and try to have a bit more of a laugh and you'll have ladies queuing up for you.
I did this and I went out drinking, there was a group of 4 women buying me drinks all night. I just chose which one I wanted to go home with that night.



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04 May 2021, 11:44 am

Most women seem to regard directness as insulting. It's "good manners" to disappoint people indirectly, because that's kinder. And also perhaps because it's crediting the recipient with having good emotional intelligence, whereas I think telling someone straight is tantamount to saying "Are you stupid?".

That's fine for most people, and indeed the niceness is generally appreciated I think, but it doesn't work for Auties. For us, it takes such a lot of anxious interpretation to work out what's going on, that it's exhausting. And that can create resentment for being "forced to play guessing games" rather than simply being told. I sympathise with that view and have felt that way myself plenty of times, but it's worth noting that's NOT how most NTs operate. We're the odd ones here.

I also have a suspicion that our difficulties with such "guessing games" lie in our inability to weigh up relative likelyhood. If I'm faced with an ambiguous situation I tend to work my way through every possible scenario but find it hard to rate them in any logical order. Filtering out the technically-possible-but ridiculously-unlikely explanations from the really very probable ones is a real challenge. Everything's equally possible and impossible at the same time. Maybe that's just me though.

I've been in two serious, long term relationships that ended without me knowing they had ended. Because hints were dropped that I misinterpreted, so I was still waiting for the important conversation to take place, when apparently it already had.

The really disconcerting side to all this is, how many times have people interpreted significant hints from me when in actual fact I was oblivious to the fact I was making any? If anyone wants to know how I feel about something, they need to ask.



Redd_Kross
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04 May 2021, 11:47 am

Lunella wrote:
It would hurt you more if they came to your face and told you they were not interested in you.

Nope! Completely and utterly wrong. I'd be delighted that someone was honest and didn't put me through the anxiety mill of trying to work out their vagueness. Personally I find that very rude, but then I'm not an NT.



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04 May 2021, 11:59 am

As I have grown more mature (and older), I have found it much better in the long term to be told an unpleasant truth than a pleasant lie.  Even though the truth may hurt, it is only temporary, while the pain of a lie seems to last forever.


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04 May 2021, 12:03 pm

Redd_Kross wrote:
Lunella wrote:
It would hurt you more if they came to your face and told you they were not interested in you.

Nope! Completely and utterly wrong. I'd be delighted that someone was honest and didn't put me through the anxiety mill of trying to work out their vagueness. Personally I find that very rude, but then I'm not an NT.


The majority would not enjoy being told that to their face therefore it is not wrong because it wouldn't be like this otherwise. If there wasn't a huge threat for women to reject in the first place they would do it openly but thanks to the a***holes of society who decide to become outwardly abusive to women for rejecting them women are now scared to even do the most basic of things.


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Champagne supernova
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04 May 2021, 1:14 pm

I totally get what you're saying Lunella. But I also can see where Red_Kross is coming from. I thought this way maybe ten years ago. Do you think men with aspergers are quite immature? I think I was but have grown since I reached my thirties.
This subject is one which I will never understand, maybe NT males don't understand it either. And I won't spend any time worrying about it, I think that is probably the best course of action. I will be blunt with people and if they don't like it, oh well!



Lunella
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04 May 2021, 1:29 pm

^ I really do think a lot of autistic men are very immature yes, no offense to anyone here intended, they simply haven't been taught or figured out a lot of stuff yet when it comes to women. There is a reason women act the way they do, not being direct is to avoid stuff like this happening have a look: https://www.buzzfeed.com/patricepeck/me ... on-twitter

My husband when I first got with him was ridiculously immature and naive too and he's 10 years older than me lol but since I've trained him up on things like narcissism, psychopathy and why people do things in weird roundabout ways he has wisened up a hell of a lot and I think that's the kind of care a lot of men need, just someone to sit down, be patient with them and gently explain the intricacies of all these types of things on their level so they can get it and move on with their lives.

No one explains better than another autistic person that's figured it out I've realised, an NT can't really get it in their head as good.

This is probably why autistic men are extremely susceptible to women just absolutely ruining them with manipulation to be honest.

Obviously autistic women have issues too it's not just one sided.


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Champagne supernova
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04 May 2021, 2:19 pm

Yes I agree with that. I don't actually think NT women know what they are doing when they are ruining the men. All they are doing is pushing and pushing for more, which in a 'normal' relationship is what happens both ways. It's like this pattern of behaviour has been ingrained into them.
I have had some experiences with some good women who were stand up members of church raised money for charity etc etc and they still played these games. This was before I knew I had aspergers. Now I know, I can adapt myself and my game plan around women. I think this is what men need to do. You can't keep having the same approach if you are failing at something. You need to change tactics.



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04 May 2021, 4:54 pm

I am throwing a truth bomb.

If she is really interested in you, she would behave in a super obvious way, she would initiate texting with you, calling you, always attempting to include you in outings, she would try to talk to you in every occasion, she would share music clips with you in midnights...

it would be so f*** obvious that you would know it even if you have the worst social skills in the galaxy. You wouldn’t even second-guess.

All these women you are talking about were never interested in you.


BoooOoooM


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04 May 2021, 5:06 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
... If she is really interested in you, she would behave in a super obvious way, she would initiate texting with you, calling you, always attempting to include you in outings, she would try to talk to you in every occasion, she would share music clips with you in midnights.  It would be so f*** obvious that you would know it even if you have the worst social skills in the galaxy.  You wouldn’t even second-guess...
Spot-on!

In very general terms, when asked for a date, a person who says "yes" means "yes", and anything other than a literal "yes" means "no" (i.e., ambiguity or ambivalence means "no", changing the subject means "no", "I don't know" means "no", "Let me think about it" means "no", et cetera).


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04 May 2021, 5:30 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
... If she is really interested in you, she would behave in a super obvious way, she would initiate texting with you, calling you, always attempting to include you in outings, she would try to talk to you in every occasion, she would share music clips with you in midnights.  It would be so f*** obvious that you would know it even if you have the worst social skills in the galaxy.  You wouldn’t even second-guess...


There may be cultural differences at play here.

There's an expectation among some women that "men should do all the chasing" and being aloof / playing it cool is the right thing to do.

I do actually follow your advice, in that my attention span and intolerance of game-playing means I don't normally bother with people like that, but I have seen it done plenty of times and it has worked for a lot of people I know who are now in relationships that began in that way.

It's a weird double-standard to criticize blokes who won't take a hint, but then also put them in a position where if they DID take every hint they'd simply never get a date. I find the whole jumping-through-hoops thing a bit demeaning so I won't do it, but those games get played all the time.



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04 May 2021, 7:23 pm

There's a reason why women don't tell you why they're not interested, or why they lost interest: it's evolutionary. If a woman isn't interested in you or loses interest, it means one thing and one thing only: you're not a genetically desirable man. It means you're not suited to have sexual contact with women, lest your genes propagate. If you were genetically desirable, you would not make any mistakes in the first place, she would be interested, and would not lose that interest. Even if bulletproof protection is being used, you can't right the lizard brain. Furthermore, there's nothing more disgusting in a woman's mind than a genetically undesirable man learning to emulate genetic desirability.

So, a woman telling you why she's not interested enables you to learn from your mistakes and later emulate genetic desirability to other women. Partially due to her instincts and partially due to her natural loyalty to other women, that's the last thing she wants to do. That's why all you get is "you did nothing wrong", "give it time", "just be yourself", or other platitudes. So don't bother trying to find out. You'll be wasting your time and effort. Websites are treasure troves of information, and can teach you things that real women will never tell you, no matter how "nicely" you ask.