How can you tell if someone likes you without asking? (help)

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The_Face_of_Boo
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23 Mar 2021, 5:10 pm

*Sigh* tell him kraftie....please tell him.


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kraftiekortie
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23 Mar 2021, 5:22 pm

I used to be the same way. Nobody could persuade me otherwise.

Your situation resonates with me---because I was in that situation.



IsabellaLinton
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23 Mar 2021, 5:51 pm

What about this woman appears to be manipulative? I don't get it.



kraftiekortie
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23 Mar 2021, 5:53 pm

The lady is always seeking to have him "cover" for her whenever she feels like calling in sick, or doesn't feel like coming to work in general.



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23 Mar 2021, 5:55 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
The lady is always seeking to have him "cover" for her whenever she feels like calling in sick, or doesn't feel like coming to work in general.


That's what friends do, to an extent.

Did he say that she won't cover for him, or that she doesn't reciprocate?

I sense that he didn't ask for reciprocation, or he doesn't take days off.

When I was working my colleagues / friends and I always helped each other as much as we could.



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23 Mar 2021, 6:07 pm

I guess this is one of those "you have to be there" sorts of situations.

I just have a feeling about this, based on my experience.



IsabellaLinton
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23 Mar 2021, 6:21 pm

I could be wrong. I'm not known for my ability to judge others' intentions. I just feel badly that people aren't always given the benefit of the doubt. Friendship seems to have a really bad reputation these days.



kraftiekortie
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23 Mar 2021, 7:31 pm

I totally believe in friendships. And I totally believe in trusting people.

But my experience with someone who constantly wants me to "cover" for them have been all bad experiences.

I'm not saying to not continue the friendship. All I'm saying is: be cautious with your feelings. Don't get carried away with them.



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24 Mar 2021, 8:19 am

IsabellaLinton wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
The lady is always seeking to have him "cover" for her whenever she feels like calling in sick, or doesn't feel like coming to work in general.
That's what friends do, to an extent.  Did he say that she won't cover for him, or that she doesn't reciprocate?  I sense that he didn't ask for reciprocation, or he doesn't take days off.  When I was working my colleagues / friends and I always helped each other as much as we could.
Sure, and it is nice to know that you have friends whom you can rely on to help you when you need help; but to base an entire relationship solely on what your "friend" will do for you is somehow very, very wrong.

I think the more proper term is "Exploitation".


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IsabellaLinton
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24 Mar 2021, 8:28 am

Fnord wrote:
.... but to base an entire relationship solely on what your "friend" will do for you is somehow very, very wrong. I think the more proper term is "Exploitation".


Where exactly does it say that? Are we reading the same OP?

robo37 wrote:
The main thing is, when she sends me messages, she sends these super long replies now that she obviously put a lot of effort into. They are always super complimentary even if I do litterally nothing deserving of compliments, and as I'm guilty of acting the same way we often spend half the workday typing progressively longer replies such that I'm genuinely surprised after we get to say the 10 paragraph mark she doesn't lose interest in talking to me.

Also there are a few other things, like how whenever I post anything on Facebook, she immediately reacts to it even when noone else does. I guess she probably just has me set to "See First", but I've never known anyone to react to my statuses so consistently. Maybe I'm just not used to having close friends?



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24 Mar 2021, 8:33 am

IsabellaLinton wrote:
Fnord wrote:
... but to base an entire relationship solely on what your "friend" will do for you is somehow very, very wrong. I think the more proper term is "Exploitation".
Where exactly does it say that? Are we reading the same OP?
Fifth paragraph...
robo37 wrote:
... Another thing is, whenever she needs help with something or needs someone to fill in for her because she's absent, she always ask me to do it. First time she did this I just figured "okay, friends do this all the time, so what?" but now I've noticed it becoming a pattern I don't get why she doesn't ever ask any of her other friends...


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27 Mar 2021, 5:06 pm

To be honest I strongly dissent from the majority opinion of people here. I don’t think it remotely likely that she’s using you in any way. Her behavior indicates that she likes you, but friendship and romantic interest are likely reason behind her behavior.

I will try to make a point by point analysis of your situation drawing upon my experience and knowledge in this area. However, please take it with a grain of salt – I’m no expert on human relationships and my current 29 years old self experienced only 4 relationships, 2 of which were shorter than 3 months and only 1 lasted longer than 1 year (though it turned 7 years old last November, I think – I sort of lose track already). Just take it as an opportunity to see your situation from an outsider's perspective.

Due to the length of my response, I will present my points directly and hide the illustrations using the spoiler functionality.

robo37 wrote:
I've always been taken back by how nice she is to me, but she's nice to everyone.


Being nice does not indicate neither whether person is romantically interested in you, nor even whether she likes you. Some people are just that. Nice to everybody.

My former colleague was also really nice to me and to everybody else. I have never seen her tell anyone off, and not believe that she’d be capable to do that. I bet if I’d try to argue with her aggressively, she’d just cry. But the point is she wasn’t romantically interested in anyone else except her very nice boyfriend whom she described to be so nice as to be sort of a pushover. She also behaved nicely to everybody regardless of how they treated her.


robo37 wrote:
…we often spend half the workday typing progressively longer replies such that I'm genuinely surprised after we get to say the 10 paragraph mark she doesn't lose interest in talking to me.


This means she likes you and does not just try to take advantage of you.

I have my share of experience with attractive girls taking advantage of me (in college, as I’m a smart cookie) and it always went something like this:

Attractive classmate: “Hey Vito, you’re so smart and brilliant in [some area], I am struggling so much with it. I’d really like to go for [some beverage] with you and be very glad if you could spare some time to tell me about it”.

Or she would say something like how I’m so nice and she’d like to be on a project team with me, then expressing how stupid she feels in comparison with me, eventually leading me to do most of the work.

After the help was delivered, she would become suddenly pretty detached. She would not completely ignore me, so I could be later used again if needed, but generally speaking, our conversations were extremely one sided. She’d never ask any questions and answers tended to be brief and lagging.

On the other hand, I knew a girl (let’s call her M), who was very intellectually based, and she behaved a lot towards me like your girl towards you. She was extremely nice to me and we would engage in lengthy chats (sometimes going well into the night), about various different topics and shared interests. M would frequently ask me for favors (such as lending her my notes from the days she was not at school – she had some sort of psychological disorder, either anxiety disorder or mild depression, so her absences were rather frequent), but was happy to do the same for me whenever I asked. However, even though our classmates expressed an idea that we’d make a good couple, when I asked her out, M seemed extremely unsure about whether she’d like the idea of romantic relationship with me and on the second date said that no. However, M kept behaving to me the same as before and our friendly relationship sort of petered out only after I’ve left the college at the end of the academic year.

Finally, in the subsequent college I went to, I met a girl (let’s call her L), who also behaved similarly as M, but we did not have such a deep intellectual connection. Therefore, our conversations were usually confined to time between and immediately after classes and were more business-like, though pretty reciprocal. In terms of favors, our relationship was a sort of one sided. When working together on a project, L tried her best to do her part of the work, but I was clearly intellectually superior to her, so I ended up doing most, or at least the more difficult part of the work. L also insisted I help her cheat during exams, which I found hard to do due to perceiving it as morally reprehensible.

However, L had always expressed a concern about my personal life (which I didn’t reciprocate) and even once tried to spare me from being taken advantage of by a girl T, who made it her personal mission to get as much from the world with as little personal effort as possible. L shared a gossip with me that T bragged about me and another guy being in love with her and doing favors for her as a result. I eventually came to a conclusion that the gossip was probably made up by L, who tried in this way to tell me to be careful around T and not taken advantage of, without telling me directly and thus hurt my feelings (L is extremely socially and emotionally intelligent and has a natural knack for resolving such situations indirectly). It actually sort of worked.

At the beginning of the final year of study, L started to behave very strangely around me. First, she told me that she finally broke up with her boyfriend and then started to express an inordinate amount of interest in me and my hobbies. At one point it became so ridiculous that even I noticed. During autumn I went for a multiday chess tournament, as my main hobby is competitive chess. L made it a point to write to me every single morning, to ask how I slept, to let me know I was missed from the classes (indicating that she rather would have me there than at the chess tournament).

After each game she asked me in great detail about how it went, using the fact that she did not know anything about chess to her advantage so that if she did not understand something, she could ask about it, thus making me speak about my beloved hobby more extensively. The conversations about my games thus lasted for very long time and must have been very tedious and boring for her. Eventually, I got an idea into my head that she probably wants to start playing chess, but when I asked about it, she just responded “I’m not interested in chess, but I’m interested in your participation in the tournament”. This finally made me realize she’s probably hitting on me, so I asked her out and we’ll be married for 5 years this summer.


Deep and long conversations signify that a person likes you. NTs that like you will talk to you more.

It is uncertain, whether this liking is of friendly or romantic nature as you can’t determine whether the interest is due to the conversational exchange itself (thus friendly) or due to a romantic interest in your person.

Sudden change in the pattern of behavior towards greater and sort of overblown interest in you and the things you like, indicate possible romantic interest. NTs generally try to keep the conversation balanced both emotionally and informationally, generally tending to be the ones who do the talking. NTs won’t stand conversational asymmetry (doing more of the emotional investment than the other person) for very long, even if there’s a romantic interest.

robo37 wrote:
Also there are a few other things, like how whenever I post anything on Facebook, she immediately reacts to it even when noone else does.


Facebook activity does not indicate that a person has a romantic interest in you, though it probably means she likes you or finds you interesting.

My former colleague (let’s call her K) also likes almost all of my posts, and very frequently responds positively to my comments I sometimes post under various topics. K is in relationship, I’m married, we’re friends. That’s all there is to it. On the other hand, L never responded to any of my Facebook activity.


robo37 wrote:
Another thing is, whenever she needs help with something or needs someone to fill in for her because she's absent, she always ask me to do it.


Yeah, this is interesting and sort of a double-edged. On the one hand, it could be a sign of taking advantage of you. On the other hand, it could be sign of closeness and comfort or even romantic interest.

When K joined our company, she was in a bad place with her boyfriend. She also did not initially know I was married. Very quickly she started to exhibit flirtatious behavior towards me, to the point she got actually reprimanded by her friend for that (“What are you doing K? Your boyfriend would not like that!”) and there was even started some company gossip about us. At that point she almost exclusively asked me for help with stuff like carrying heavy boxes for her, reaching for stuff she couldn’t, etc. However, the behavior was reciprocal, as she did favors for me too, when I needed (staying longer at work when needed, helping me with private restaurant reservation when I was under too much pressure, etc.).

Interestingly, when a new colleague joined us (he was the sort of extremely athletic, cool, macho type of guy), K started to pay much more attention towards him than me and suddenly he was carrying all the boxes and reaching for all the stuff. I was relegated to a position of just performing the specialized tasks no one else in the company could for K and which I performed upon request for basically everybody else in the company.

Other example featured a female colleague Z (also had a boyfriend), kept asking for help a male colleague R (he wasn’t her boyfriend and there were no gossips about them, they just got along well) for such tasks almost exclusively, although there were other men available.


It seems that NTs generally prefer asking favors of people they like best. I think it’s logical – when you know that someone likes you, you are more likely to receive help or at least understanding from that person. However, I do not think that it can be used as a safe indicator of romantic interest.

robo37 wrote:
Also, touching on her boyfriend, they seem to have a really happy relationship from what I've seen on Facebook and the videos they've made on Youtube, so I've been trying to avoid talking about him out of fear of jealousy. The one time I did mention him however she said she was embarrassed by him? Is it not abnormal for the first thing someone to say about their partner to be negative? Or am I reading too much into this?


This is a really interesting point. I’ve read from quite a reasonable source that (NT) women have a tendency to stay in relationships that they know do not have a future and only terminate the relationship when a new, better one, is on the horizon. Of course, not all women are like that, but out of my 4 relationships I’ve experienced this twice.

First, it happened with a girl P. I met her on a bus at a point when my previous relationship was failing. Her relationship was also failing and we sort of hit it off. Interestingly however, although she kept talking about her boyfriend in VERY BAD terms, she had only split up with her boyfriend after a first date with me. However, P was of a morally rather dubious character, so I would be careful about making any conclusions out of it.

Something similar also happened with L. When we met, L had a boyfriend, though she described him in a very unappealing terms – both him and his family (they were of different ethnic group than her and had a very “traditional” view of women and their roles, unlike L). Although L had split with her boyfriend before starting to hit on me, she later expressed a sort of annoyance with me that I was too slow on uptake. She said that since the first few months we had known each other, she hoped that I’d ask her out, and said that she would have ditched her boyfriend the moment I would do so. Now L is definitely not morally dubious (at least in terms of being loyal to people she’s close to) so here it’s saying something. However, please note that their relationship was over a distance for quite a long time by the time she had ditched him.


I think that the fact that your girl does have a boyfriend does not mean anything with respect to a possibility of romantic interest in you. She might be in a bad place in her relationship, wanting to leave, but being afraid of being left alone. Her position might be that she thinks she’s giving you plenty of signals of romantic interest and you’re simply not responding. She definitely does not want to end up in situation when she dumps her boyfriend and then realizes that you don’t want her and would rather first establish the fact that you’re romantically interested in her first.

Also, the fact that they seem to have a good relationship on social media means nothing. People are known to misinform or outright lie on the social media.

robo37 wrote:
Now that I've got this off my chest do you think she is more likely to have a crush on me too, or is probably just being friendly?


It’s hard to say, but it’s likely, mainly due to the behavior change that you have indicated and the deep, long, emotionally seemingly one-sided conversations. These two combined constitute a definitely not normal behavior among NT friends or colleagues.

Another point is this: Are you good in reading non-verbal cues that indicate romantic interest in you? Because if no, then you might be in the situation when you wonder whether she likes you romantically, while she is desperate, thinking she’s giving you the every possible sign of romantic interest and you simply do not respond, because you don’t like her.

I know about this because I used to be enormously oblivious to such signs. I have missed signs of romantic interest so big that if they were to materialize physically in front of me, I’d be probably able to beat to death a pair of mid-size whales with them.

On the other hand, you may be a victim of a case of misunderstanding friendly behavior as a sign of romantic interest. It is described by Tony Attwood as being pretty common with people on the spectrum.

robo37 wrote:
Is there anything I should look out for that might give it away?


Well, that’s hard to say. She’s not going to do anything that would give it away, not in front of other people anyway. That would damage her reputation and her current relationship. The best bet would be to get closer to her, so you spend some time alone with each other. I think some mutual interest could accomplish this task, to go somewhere together that is of strong mutual interest to both of you. If nothing else, you might get a long-term friendship out of it, and that’s always good. Your overall strategy would be to make her feel safe to leave her boyfriend knowing you're available. However, you'd have to do it in an indirect fashion. You can't tell her outright. However, note that her boyfriend might not like her spending time alone with you.

I strongly disagree with the notion that you should keep the relationship with your colleagues on business terms only. It’s okay to befriend your colleagues and it can be advantageous to both parties. In my last job I had a chess club running with two other colleagues, meeting after work. Purely on friendly terms. I even invited K (she’s mentioned in one of the illustrations) even though I had no romantic interest in her – it was merely a friendly gesture, to make her feel more included when she was new. We also kept meeting up on regular (but infrequent) basis with former colleagues, who no longer worked in the company.

However, I must warn you about what kraftiekortie has said here before. Romantic relationships at work are pretty dangerous and generally a bad idea. Fallout from a failed relationship can be pretty bad; more so if you have to see and interact with the person on a regular basis. Even if she behaves to you nicely after a break-up, imagine having to see your ex every day at work, seeing her romantically engaged with other men. Yuck.

Finally, there’s a certain degree of danger coming from her current boyfriend. In the country I’m from, lots of men would deem a physical assault being the appropriate reaction to a situation when their girlfriend is being hit on by other man. So, assess those risks and make sure you’re okay with them before proceeding further.

But if there’s strong affinity between you two, I’d personally risk it. It might lead to a lifetime relationship and that’s worthy of these risks.


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28 Mar 2021, 3:29 pm

[/quote][color=purple]Obviously, she is just manipulating you and using you to get you to do whatever she wants.[/quote]

I have this issue everytime I meet or run I to someone that may be potential partner quality. However I have had bad luck with this for a few years.. so my distrust has extended to everyone from being hurt by someone, especially women of recent times.. so I opted for dating application to see how that goes as I have limited social life and don't leave my house much, no friends etc.



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28 Mar 2021, 3:47 pm

robo37 wrote:
I agree with everything but I don't see how it's unhealthy, I'm not looking for a relationship I'm just happy to be appreciated.


This is what we would call stoking a fire. Have you ever looked after an open fire? If you keep feeding it fuel and poking it the fire will burn long and bright.

I've been there with a colleague. Even told him I wasn't looking for anything more because I knew he wasn't available (that was stupid, but I was young and naive. I thought he would be flattered, but it caused a load of issues.) I just enjoyed his company.

I became infatuated because I just wasn't clicking with anyone else. I find people hard to talk to and he's a talkative person, so was easy to be around.

Loneliness sets traps for us. I began to feel more lonely and unhappy because I knew nothing would happen. And I wasn't meeting anyone else. I thought he would be just a little diversion till I met someone. I never did.

I don't have any feelings for him at all now. This was years ago. It's all faded away, but I look back and cringe at how silly I was. I don't think the whole thing was good for my mental health at all.

I wish I had just cut ties and got a new job. I did eventually, but I should have moved on sooner and just nipped the whole thing in the bud.

Don't hurt yourself.



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06 May 2021, 2:48 pm

Sorry for randomly resurrecting this thread, just wanted to get people's opinions on something.

So that girl I like has just had an interview for another job go really well and thinks she might be offered it, and I was wondering what you think about her telling me she'd only go if I joined with her.

I'm pretty sure she was joking (she ended her message with a laughing emoji) but I think there's a bit of truth in it because she's said before she didn't want to leave because of how much she likes the team, and she has told me multiple times I'm her favourite person on the team.

Do you reckon she seriously wants me to apply for this job and join with her? My instinct tells me no but I'm kind of getting mixed signals haha

Thanks for all the replies by the way, I've read through them all and although I don't have time to reply to them all I really appreciate the feedback :)



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06 May 2021, 3:01 pm

robo37 wrote:
... So that girl I like has just had an interview for another job go really well and thinks she might be offered it, and I was wondering what you think about her telling me she'd only go if I joined with her...
She was either joking with you, OR she was trying to gaslight you into finding another job and quitting the one you have while she stays right where she is, OR she really does want you to come along with her ... but only as her buttmonkey flunky.


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