I got stood up - no reason given

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Gentleman Argentum
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08 May 2021, 3:41 pm

I heard from a woman on an online dating site. She immediately gave me her number, which struck me as unusual, but I rejoiced at the speed with which we could transfer to voice, because I prefer talking to typing.

Upon calling her, she had little to say. I did almost all the talking, she was very quiet even though I paused often to give her a chance to speak. The most I could get out of her was "yes", "uh-huh," "sure," or "no". If a question required more, she would supply the minimum. She had no questions for me at all. She gave only the vaguest details about her life.

Another thing I noticed was she coughed quite a bit, yet denied being sick. Honestly, I thought she had just been doing bong rips when I called. I thought she was quiet because she was high.

She invited me out for drinks that same night, which also shocked me. I declined, because I don't drink. I suggested instead that we go out to a nice restaurant on Saturday at noon, and she accepted. I thought the idea pleased her. I asked her whether she liked Thai food, she said yes. The time, 12pm, good? Yes. I even texted her the exact location, so that she could use her phone to get there. The restaurant was a 40 mile drive for me, but only 10 miles for her.

Well...12pm rolls around, I'm sitting in the restaurant with my iced tea. No show. No text, no message, no call, nothing.

What is gained by this kind of behavior? Why not just tell someone that something came up, you can't come?
I bought lunch anyway for myself, came home and wrote a brief message to her: "You stood me up, why?" I doubt I'll get any reply.

My best guess is she went out drinking with another guy. Probably getting drunk is what she was after. Am I right?

I have no need for booze and so am like an alien from another planet. :alien:

Thank goodness I am corresponding with other women.


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cbd
Snowy Owl
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08 May 2021, 4:28 pm

.. she either flaked or ..

she slept in .. maybe got so caught up in what to wear (women can do this) she knew she wasn't going to make it .

Have you spoke since ?

she might have issues .. could have caught anxiety attack .

her lack of talk might be an indication . she might have ASD .. and good at text but terrible at umplanned conversation



cbd
Snowy Owl
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08 May 2021, 4:30 pm

.. also .. did you message her before to let her know you were still meeting ?

some people have iffy behaviours , especially without any social ques being displayed towards them .

i've had friends who arrange to go somewhere or for a drink .. the day rolls around and no correspondance even though it was their idea .



Gentleman Argentum
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08 May 2021, 6:49 pm

cbd wrote:
.. also .. did you message her before to let her know you were still meeting ?

some people have iffy behaviours , especially without any social ques being displayed towards them .

i've had friends who arrange to go somewhere or for a drink .. the day rolls around and no correspondance even though it was their idea .


You have interesting and, I think, quite valid observations/speculations. The ones I think the most of are: anxiety attack, iffy behaviour. Because she started coughing when talking on the phone. If it wasn't due to a recent bong rip, perhaps due to asthma from stress? That would jibe with her being quiet and not saying much.

Note sure about: what to wear--she doesn't strike me as the kind of person to sweat over that, and surely a text message or something... ASD = Autism Spectrum Disorder? but an autistic person would be on time, right?


I've got a beating heart :heart: and sometimes women cause it pain. Makes me want to give up but then I reckon I'm too young to give up. What if I changed my mind at seventy and then, whup, too old and too difficult to find anybody at seventy. Or is the reverse true, and at seventy the woman:men ration is in the surviving man's favor? :scratch:

Anybody else got stood up on a date?


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Redd_Kross
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08 May 2021, 8:36 pm

If someone is giving you really short answers then there's something up. Could be high, as you suggest. Could be at work and not supposed to be on their phone. Could be looking after a hyperactive kid, or trying to cook. Maybe in a room with their husband / partner. On a train, in a library, in A&E. Loads of reasons.

What's revealing is that they didn't offer an explanation, and you didn't ask for one, yet you pressed ahead with arranging a date anyway.



kraftiekortie
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08 May 2021, 10:23 pm

Pain in the butt being stood up!

I sense that she was probably lazy, and didn’t feel like getting out of the house. I know she was impolite.

I would just move on, chalk it up to experience.....



Gentleman Argentum
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09 May 2021, 3:11 am

Redd_Kross wrote:
If someone is giving you really short answers then there's something up. Could be high, as you suggest. Could be at work and not supposed to be on their phone. Could be looking after a hyperactive kid, or trying to cook. Maybe in a room with their husband / partner. On a train, in a library, in A&E. Loads of reasons.

What's revealing is that they didn't offer an explanation, and you didn't ask for one, yet you pressed ahead with arranging a date anyway.


This is really perceptive I think. Actually everyone here has had good feedback. Is this the right forum site? Aspies, right? You sure you're aspy?

I'm thinking-- in a house with husband/partner. Because the call got muted about twice, and when it came back, I asked her if the reception was poor. She muttered something about being in a dead spot. I think that's a lie. Her husband/partner walked by. Other people lie and cheat on each other all the time, I'm learning.

"It is revealing that I pressed ahead with a date"--you mean, that was my mistake. True. Should have steered clear. It's just been a dry spell for me lately, I was eager for adventure! Preferably, I'd like to have one date per weekend!

Thanks for the feedback.


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Gentleman Argentum
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09 May 2021, 3:13 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
Pain in the butt being stood up!

I sense that she was probably lazy, and didn’t feel like getting out of the house. I know she was impolite.

I would just move on, chalk it up to experience.....


Yeah!

Lazy, yes!

Well, I knew it would happen sooner or later. Next time, more caution, less eagerness!

People can be mighty liars...


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amykitten
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09 May 2021, 8:44 am

Gentleman Argentum wrote:
Note sure about: what to wear--she doesn't strike me as the kind of person to sweat over that, and surely a text message or something... ASD = Autism Spectrum Disorder? but an autistic person would be on time, right?


No. I'm always generally late for something unless its important and set 101 reminders. Or I just skip lectures as I've turned up so late..... Turning my coursework in on time though no issue



cbd
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09 May 2021, 9:43 am

amykitten wrote:
Gentleman Argentum wrote:
Note sure about: what to wear--she doesn't strike me as the kind of person to sweat over that, and surely a text message or something... ASD = Autism Spectrum Disorder? but an autistic person would be on time, right?


No. I'm always generally late for something unless its important and set 101 reminders. Or I just skip lectures as I've turned up so late..... Turning my coursework in on time though no issue


Snap ! .

ADHD and OCD behaviour can throw a spanner in time keeping . i was late for 1 job for a year straight , and cutting it fine at others



cbd
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09 May 2021, 9:48 am

.. as others have pointed out .

she is very sketchy .. and might have a partner .. or even likes to keep strong privacey .. gotta say i know a few people like that . having phobe convo infront of others is not ideal .

without explanaition or pressing the issue , i guess you're remain without answer .

atleast a bit of common courtesy would be nice . you don't even know her and she doing this . be glad you didn't get in deep . for her to vanish .

too many people hold no value on communication these days .. and hide behind the brickwall



BeaArthur
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09 May 2021, 2:13 pm

I've been stood up for blind dates too, so don't assume it's only guys who get treated this way.

You'll probably never know the "reason" for it, but be grateful that you dodged a bullet with this one. I would not contact them again.


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Gentleman Argentum
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10 May 2021, 2:58 am

BeaArthur wrote:
I've been stood up for blind dates too, so don't assume it's only guys who get treated this way.

You'll probably never know the "reason" for it, but be grateful that you dodged a bullet with this one. I would not contact them again.


My take-home as well. Dodged a bullet. Someone acts like that has a permanent lodging in Crazytown.

The only thing wounded, my pride. Gained, a bit less eagerness, a bit more caution.


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Gentleman Argentum
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10 May 2021, 3:02 am

cbd wrote:
.. as others have pointed out .

she is very sketchy .. and might have a partner .. or even likes to keep strong privacey .. gotta say i know a few people like that . having phobe convo infront of others is not ideal .

without explanaition or pressing the issue , i guess you're remain without answer .

atleast a bit of common courtesy would be nice . you don't even know her and she doing this . be glad you didn't get in deep . for her to vanish .

too many people hold no value on communication these days .. and hide behind the brickwall


I'm counting my blessings... Worse would have been, she shows up, provides middling or no conversation, expects me to pay for it, and then ghosts...

I just bought a meal for myself and left. Total cost: $15 cash and let them keep the change (it was the lunch special)

Maybe my luck will be better next time.


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10 May 2021, 3:30 am

Gentleman Argentum wrote:
I heard from a woman on an online dating site. She immediately gave me her number, which struck me as unusual, but I rejoiced at the speed with which we could transfer to voice, because I prefer talking to typing.

Upon calling her, she had little to say. I did almost all the talking, she was very quiet even though I paused often to give her a chance to speak. The most I could get out of her was "yes", "uh-huh," "sure," or "no". If a question required more, she would supply the minimum. She had no questions for me at all. She gave only the vaguest details about her life.

Another thing I noticed was she coughed quite a bit, yet denied being sick. Honestly, I thought she had just been doing bong rips when I called. I thought she was quiet because she was high.

She invited me out for drinks that same night, which also shocked me. I declined, because I don't drink. I suggested instead that we go out to a nice restaurant on Saturday at noon, and she accepted. I thought the idea pleased her. I asked her whether she liked Thai food, she said yes. The time, 12pm, good? Yes. I even texted her the exact location, so that she could use her phone to get there. The restaurant was a 40 mile drive for me, but only 10 miles for her.

Well...12pm rolls around, I'm sitting in the restaurant with my iced tea. No show. No text, no message, no call, nothing.

What is gained by this kind of behavior? Why not just tell someone that something came up, you can't come?
I bought lunch anyway for myself, came home and wrote a brief message to her: "You stood me up, why?" I doubt I'll get any reply.

My best guess is she went out drinking with another guy. Probably getting drunk is what she was after. Am I right?

I have no need for booze and so am like an alien from another planet. :alien:

Thank goodness I am corresponding with other women.


That sucks man, but yeah idk why someone would agree to a specific plan and then just blow it off like that without even so much as a text of like maybe something came up and they're sorry they couldn't make it.

But I mean on the other hand if they can't even keep a planned date like maybe its better they didn't show up so you don't have to waste as much time with someone who just flakes out on everything. But still sorry that happened I hope you at least enjoyed the Thai food lunch you bought yourself sounds delicious to me.


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10 May 2021, 9:29 am

Gentleman Argentum wrote:
I heard from a woman on an online dating site. She immediately gave me her number, which struck me as unusual, but I rejoiced at the speed with which we could transfer to voice, because I prefer talking to typing.

The above being the case, she might have just chickened out, perhaps realizing in retrospect that she had given you her phone number prematurely.

Gentleman Argentum wrote:
Upon calling her,

How soon after she gave you her phone number did you call her?

Gentleman Argentum wrote:
I thought she was quiet because she was high.

If she was also high, or drunk, or some combination thereof, at the time she gave you her phone number in the first place, she might have regretted her impulsivity upon coming down from said high.

Perhaps she was already starting to have second thoughts at the time of the phone call, which might explain her quietness.

Gentleman Argentum wrote:
Well...12pm rolls around, I'm sitting in the restaurant with my iced tea. No show. No text, no message, no call, nothing.

What is gained by this kind of behavior? Why not just tell someone that something came up, you can't come?

My guess is that she might have been too embarrassed and/or too scared.


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