The only women my age I would be interested in

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kraftiekortie
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08 Dec 2021, 9:14 am

I sense that people think you "overthink" this. And that you make everything into some sort of intellectual debate.

People like to have fun in their romantic lives. They don't like to be scrutinized. They usually don't like to debate serious things until they get to know you better.

You have an inquisitive nature which has to be harnessed. It's good in theoretical physics---but bad in romance.

Many questions should wait until you get to know the person better.



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08 Dec 2021, 9:18 am

cyberdad wrote:
QFT wrote:
she talked to me a lot more than others) And I blew it in both casees. .


QFT I am just curious whether the instances you "blow it" (like this one with Russian girl) whether it comes from a systemic habit OR not being able to sustain the flow you initially create OR a coincidental series of bad luck?


1) What do you mean by "systemic habbit"

2) In what way would the situation with Russian girl (since thats the one you mentioned) amount to "being able to sustain the flow"? I thought coming late or not finding the right connection doesn't have to do with the flow of conversation once we do talk? Or do you think that if I did better job at "sustaining the flow", she would have been more willing to overlook those other things?



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08 Dec 2021, 9:25 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
I sense that people think you "overthink" this. And that you make everything into some sort of intellectual debate.

People like to have fun in their romantic lives. They don't like to be scrutinized. They usually don't like to debate serious things until they get to know you better.

You have an inquisitive nature which has to be harnessed. It's good in theoretical physics---but bad in romance.

Many questions should wait until you get to know the person better.


If I look at what happened with the Russian girl then I might "suspect" that was the case, but I am not too sure. She didn't tell me right away she absolutely lost interest because I was late. Rather she sort of said she "might or might not have". But then when I kept pointing out to things that she said to "prove to her" that she lost interest, then a week later she admitted that she did.

But still: when she finally did say she lost interest, her sentence referred back to skype meeting rather than to our subsequent conversation. So since the future does not affect the past, my over-analyzing her in the future can not explain her lost interest in the past. Of course its possible that she lied to me and actually she lost interest in the future and just "said" she lost it in the past. But I am assuming she is honest, particularly since it "felt" like she lost it in the past (which is what caused my overanalyzing to begin with).

In any case, going back to your message. You obviously wrote it *before* I wrote this reply. So how did you know in what you wrote that overanalyzing played any role at all, since I haven't mentioned it till this current message?

Of course you know that overanalyzing plays a role simply because you know me. So are you saying that I can "blatantly assume" that all situations I encounter are due to overanalyzing, whether its mentioned or not?



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08 Dec 2021, 9:36 am

Rexi wrote:
The immaturity of my 19 y o ex was extremely hard to deal with. At 30 you just need so much more. All she wanted was to flirt and didn't listen to my feelings or anything I'd say. It's a difficult age where they have issues building their career and studies as well as issues with their parents and substance use. I really think at 30 and above you need more, someone who understands you and have more in common with as well as thinks in a different way.


I am confused. Sometimes you mention dating men sometimes you mention dating women. Are you bisexual? Also does "transilvania" in your profile implies you are transgender too? Are you mtf or ftm or what are you?

As far as age, 30 is young enough for me. I just don't want to date someone who is 40 (unless I know them from the past that is).



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08 Dec 2021, 9:53 am

Benjamin the Donkey wrote:
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Age is no more a barrier than race. In my life I've dated women both significantly older and younger than myself. My partner now is significantly younger. We have common interests, are very attracted to each other, and are emotionally and sexually compatible. All these things are far more important than age. And no, I'm not rich or even financially stable.


But I didn’t come up with age out of the blue. That was part of the feedback I had when I was asking those questions. So do you think that if someone is likable, such as you, they will overlook the age, while if someone is not likable, such as me, they will use age as an excuse? That would seem to make sense, particularly since women didn’t like me back when I was young either. Although at the same time there were three or four women from good old days that liked me (four out of a decade — not much) and now I don’t have even that.

I'm actually not very likeable. I definitely put a lot of people off with my bluntness and inability to play social games.


But then how come you were so successfull in finding the woman, especially a woman so much younger than you?



kraftiekortie
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08 Dec 2021, 9:58 am

Over-analysis, I would say, has played a role in most or all your "failures."



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08 Dec 2021, 10:01 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
Over-analysis, I would say, has played a role in most or all your "failures."


Thats a pretty profound statement, particularly given that I mentioned overanalysis only with regards to some situations and not others.

Can you take examples of situations where I did NOT mention overanalysis and tell me how it was still relevant?



kraftiekortie
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08 Dec 2021, 10:16 am

I should have said "directly, or indirectly."

There might be times when "over-analysis" did not play a direct role; but, perhaps, what is "behind" the over-analysis turned off some people.

Of course, there are times when it is not "your fault" at all. The problem could lie with the other person.

At this point, you are over-analyzing. Or maybe I am? I don't know. But when you delve deeply into every little statement a person makes, or every individual event, you are over-analyzing.

Good for theoretical physics, bad for romance.



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08 Dec 2021, 10:26 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
I should have said "directly, or indirectly."


I knew you meant "directly or indirectly" -- thats why I asked you to look at the examples where it didn't play a direct role, so that you could show me how it plays the role indirectly. Which I know is possible, but I am curious as to how.

kraftiekortie wrote:
At this point, you are over-analyzing. Or maybe I am?


Thats another good point. In order to say that "Overanalyzing plays indirect role" you have to overanalyze since anything indirect requires overanalysis.

But I guess the way to get out of this is to say "its okay to overanalyze as long as you don't do it out loud". So in this case yes it would benefit me to "know" indirect role of overanalysis, as long as I don't bring it up to the next girl I talk to.

This being the case, can you elaborate on this? Can you look at some of the examples where overanalysis didn't play direct role, and tell me your theory on how it played indirect role?



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08 Dec 2021, 11:00 am

There are many examples of this. The fact that you analyze every little entity to the teeth on WP is a sign right there.

The reason why I know this----is because I do it, too.

Like you say, the way to do it is to not over-analyze within your interactions with women. Only over-analyze afterwards. Don't ask too many questions. Don't confront people. Early on in relationships, women don't like to be confronted, and feel like it's an imposition for you to confront. They just want to have fun, without some guy being like a "grammar-Nazi" (not literally).



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08 Dec 2021, 11:29 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
There are many examples of this. The fact that you analyze every little entity to the teeth on WP is a sign right there.

The reason why I know this----is because I do it, too.

Like you say, the way to do it is to not over-analyze within your interactions with women. Only over-analyze afterwards. Don't ask too many questions. Don't confront people. Early on in relationships, women don't like to be confronted, and feel like it's an imposition for you to confront. They just want to have fun, without some guy being like a "grammar-Nazi" (not literally).


That would be an example where it is direct. But remember I was asking you about where its not direct. I mean I havne't confronted every single woman I been talking about, at least not in a literal sense. Or are you saying they read my mind so the fact that in my head I overanalyze it they still know it even if I don't say anything?



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08 Dec 2021, 1:09 pm

They certainly don't "read your mind"----but I sense that they "sense" something.

Truthfully, in order to give you a conclusive answer, I would have to actually be there, in person, when you're interacting with these people.

Does her mother ever try to "coach" you as to how to interact with a potential date?



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08 Dec 2021, 1:22 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
Does her mother ever try to "coach" you as to how to interact with a potential date?


My mother DID say I drive her crazy when I overanalyze things. But she didn't tell me thats the reason I fail with other women. Rather she just got mad that I did it to her and then made angry remarks such as "and you keep talking about wanting a woman, what kind of woman is going to be able to stand it?" But as you see, the context of this conversation has nothing to do with women.

The other thing that my mom was telling me -- which is also has nothing to do with women -- are things like

a) That I don't tuck in my shirt, don't tie my shoes, don't brush my hair, and dress in a way that looks messy.

b) That my body looks tense. She keeps recommending yoga but I don't want to do it for religious reasons

c) That my voice is too loud

d) That I don't say hello to people.

But like I said those remarks were made outside of conversation about women. When I did talk to her about women, what she told me was

e) That I don't smile

f) That I need to learn to approach women myself (I told her I don't want to do it because the fact that women won't approach me is a sign they don't like me)

g) That I should start using dating sites (I keep from her that I already use them)

h) That she wants me to focus on Jewish women (which I don't want to listen to this advice since I believe in Jesus)



kraftiekortie
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08 Dec 2021, 1:45 pm

In truth, most of what your mother has said causes you not to be a success with women.

I wouldn't stick to Jewish women myself. And I wouldn't use dating sites.



Last edited by kraftiekortie on 08 Dec 2021, 1:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.

that1weirdgrrrl
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08 Dec 2021, 1:55 pm

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That would be an example where it is direct. But remember I was asking you about where its not direct. I mean I havne't confronted every single woman I been talking about, at least not in a literal sense. Or are you saying they read my mind so the fact that in my head I overanalyze it they still know it even if I don't say anything?


No one is reading anyone's mind. But a person's inner feelings/anxiety/frustration can "seep out" even if they are doing an excellent job of hiding it.

-

Jack is meeting Sue for a first date tonight.

Jack had a stressful day at work, and he can't take his mind off the problems presented at his work that day.

Traffic is bad on the way home, he doesnt have as much as he wants to get ready for his date. He feels rushed and stressed.

Jack arrives at the restaurant just as Sue arrives.

From Sue's perspective, Jack has impeccable timing. From Jack's perspective he just barely made it on time and he's mad at himself for almost blowing it.

Jack compliments Sue's outfit,

He asks her questions about herself to better get to one her,

And he tells her about some of his accomplishments.

Jack leaves feeling happy about how the date went and expects to hear from Sue again soon.

From Sue's perspective:

Jack made sarcastic remarks about her personal tastes,

He interrogated her to evaluate her worthiness against the other women he was interested in,

And he complained about how badly everyone treated him at work even though he was basically carrying the entire company.

Sue politely thanked Jack for dinner and resolved to never speak to him again.

-

Same event, same people, but being a little curt or distracted (even in sincere words) can change the entire interpretation, especially to a stranger.

And we often dont fully realise our tones of voice or brusqueness/gentleness of our mannerisms.


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08 Dec 2021, 2:03 pm

that1weirdgrrrl wrote:
Quote:
That would be an example where it is direct. But remember I was asking you about where its not direct. I mean I havne't confronted every single woman I been talking about, at least not in a literal sense. Or are you saying they read my mind so the fact that in my head I overanalyze it they still know it even if I don't say anything?


No one is reading anyone's mind. But a person's inner feelings/anxiety/frustration can "seep out" even if they are doing an excellent job of hiding it.

-

Jack is meeting Sue for a first date tonight.

Jack had a stressful day at work, and he can't take his mind off the problems presented at his work that day.

Traffic is bad on the way home, he doesnt have as much as he wants to get ready for his date. He feels rushed and stressed.

Jack arrives at the restaurant just as Sue arrives.

From Sue's perspective, Jack has impeccable timing. From Jack's perspective he just barely made it on time and he's mad at himself for almost blowing it.

Jack compliments Sue's outfit,

He asks her questions about herself to better get to one her,

And he tells her about some of his accomplishments.

Jack leaves feeling happy about how the date went and expects to hear from Sue again soon.

From Sue's perspective:

Jack made sarcastic remarks about her personal tastes,

He interrogated her to evaluate her worthiness against the other women he was interested in,

And he complained about how badly everyone treated him at work even though he was basically carrying the entire company.

Sue politely thanked Jack for dinner and resolved to never speak to him again.

-

Same event, same people, but being a little curt or distracted (even in sincere words) can change the entire interpretation, especially to a stranger.

And we often dont fully realise our tones of voice or brusqueness/gentleness of our mannerisms.


So then it means I SHOULD over-analyze? How else would I be aware of possible miscommunications such as these, UNLESS I overanalyze?

If Jack doesn't overanalyze, he would just stick with his own interpretation. But if he does, then he might consider Sue's interpretation.