The only women my age I would be interested in

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QFT
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08 Dec 2021, 2:07 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
In truth, most of what your mother has said causes you not to be a success with women.


Its hard to see how to read your phrasing.

You mean

a) The things my mom said are problems are, in fact, the problems (in other words, she is right)

Or

b) The advice my mom gave is what made my problems worse (in other words, she is wrong)

kraftiekortie wrote:
I wouldn't stick to Jewish women myself.


I know that. In fact, I remember your wife is black.

I wouldn't go that far, but I wouldn't stick to Jewish women either. The way I appraoch it is that any White woman is fair game; if she happens to be Jewish thats a bonus. As it stands most of the women didn't have that bonus, but that was totally fine by me. Again though I wouldn't want a religious conflict either. So maybe the only time it would be a bonus is if she is Messianic.

kraftiekortie wrote:
And I wouldn't use dating sites.


So where do you recommend I meet women?



kraftiekortie
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08 Dec 2021, 2:14 pm

The best way to meet women is through friends. Or through colleagues. Going to get-togethers. Or lectures (especially lectures, since you're an academic).

I feel like your mother uttered wise words to you. I feel like she's right in these instances.



that1weirdgrrrl
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08 Dec 2021, 2:15 pm

QFT wrote:
that1weirdgrrrl wrote:
Quote:
That would be an example where it is direct. But remember I was asking you about where its not direct. I mean I havne't confronted every single woman I been talking about, at least not in a literal sense. Or are you saying they read my mind so the fact that in my head I overanalyze it they still know it even if I don't say anything?


No one is reading anyone's mind. But a person's inner feelings/anxiety/frustration can "seep out" even if they are doing an excellent job of hiding it.

-

Jack is meeting Sue for a first date tonight.

Jack had a stressful day at work, and he can't take his mind off the problems presented at his work that day.

Traffic is bad on the way home, he doesnt have as much as he wants to get ready for his date. He feels rushed and stressed.

Jack arrives at the restaurant just as Sue arrives.

From Sue's perspective, Jack has impeccable timing. From Jack's perspective he just barely made it on time and he's mad at himself for almost blowing it.

Jack compliments Sue's outfit,

He asks her questions about herself to better get to one her,

And he tells her about some of his accomplishments.

Jack leaves feeling happy about how the date went and expects to hear from Sue again soon.

From Sue's perspective:

Jack made sarcastic remarks about her personal tastes,

He interrogated her to evaluate her worthiness against the other women he was interested in,

And he complained about how badly everyone treated him at work even though he was basically carrying the entire company.

Sue politely thanked Jack for dinner and resolved to never speak to him again.

-

Same event, same people, but being a little curt or distracted (even in sincere words) can change the entire interpretation, especially to a stranger.

And we often dont fully realise our tones of voice or brusqueness/gentleness of our mannerisms.


So then it means I SHOULD over-analyze? How else would I be aware of possible miscommunications such as these, UNLESS I overanalyze?

If Jack doesn't overanalyze, he would just stick with his own interpretation. But if he does, then he might consider Sue's interpretation.


Imagining how the other person feels is empathy. Empathy is important for relationships, so this is good.

Imagining how Sue feels based on the fact that you know she has a bad history with manipulative men, so she probably feels cautious around Jack, so Jack might go out of his way to show Sue how honest and down to earth he can be (to try and allay her fears).

But if Jack tells Sue to trust him because he is an honest person. Then that will have the opposite effect on Sue's level of comfort and confidence in Jack. She is more likely to feel pressured and trapped.


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QFT
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08 Dec 2021, 2:16 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
The best way to meet women is through friends.


Which leads to another good question: why is it that nobody introduces me to women? Is it because

a) I don't have any male friends either and people aren't inclined to introduce an acquitence they barely know

or

b) They perceive I am not datable



kraftiekortie
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08 Dec 2021, 2:17 pm

Probably much more "a" than "b."



Last edited by kraftiekortie on 08 Dec 2021, 2:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

QFT
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08 Dec 2021, 2:24 pm

that1weirdgrrrl wrote:
Imagining how the other person feels is empathy.


No, I thought empathy means caring how the other person feels. These are two different things.

--- Its possible to know the other person is upset and simply not care

--- Its possible to assume the other person is happy. It would still be true you would be upset *if* you knew they are upset, but you simply didn't know it.

It seems like your example falls into the second category.

that1weirdgrrrl wrote:
Imagining how Sue feels based on the fact that you know she has a bad history with manipulative men,


But she didn't mention that history to Jack, so how was Jack supposed to know it?

that1weirdgrrrl wrote:
so she probably feels cautious around Jack, so Jack might go out of his way to show Sue how honest and down to earth he can be (to try and allay her fears).


And how did his behavior go counter to that?

that1weirdgrrrl wrote:
But if Jack tells Sue to trust him because he is an honest person.


But in your original story you didn't mention him "telling her to trust him". Are you saying that his behavior somehow did, without him actually uttering those words?

that1weirdgrrrl wrote:
Then that will have the opposite effect on Sue's level of comfort and confidence in Jack. She is more likely to feel pressured and trapped.


Again, I don't see in your description of that interaction where he was pressuring her.



that1weirdgrrrl
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08 Dec 2021, 2:53 pm

Wikipedia wrote:
Empathy is the capacity to understand or feel what another person is experiencing from within their frame of reference, that is, the capacity to place oneself in another's position.[1]


Webster wrote:
the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner
also : the capacity for this


Technically, empathy can be either understanding or feeling. But possibly more heavily just understanding.

You're right, I tried to use the same hypothetical to explain a different concept. That was my error.


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The_Znof
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08 Dec 2021, 4:03 pm

QFT wrote:
So who knows, maybe when I will be 50 I will start finding 40 year olds attractive.


and then you would be freaking out here over nothing!!, but what would I know about that? :skull:



ironpony
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08 Dec 2021, 4:18 pm

So the reason why you only find younger women attractive is because you miss your youth basically then, is what it boils down to?



QFT
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08 Dec 2021, 4:25 pm

ironpony wrote:
So the reason why you only find younger women attractive is because you miss your youth basically then, is what it boils down to?


Yes exactly. If I had a choice between

a) Staying old and dating someone young

b) Becoming young but dating someone old

I would definitely choose "b".



ironpony
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08 Dec 2021, 4:30 pm

QFT wrote:
ironpony wrote:
So the reason why you only find younger women attractive is because you miss your youth basically then, is what it boils down to?


Yes exactly. If I had a choice between

a) Staying old and dating someone young

b) Becoming young but dating someone old

I would definitely choose "b".


But you said before that you are attracted to younger. So wouldn't you rather choose 'a' therefore? But also I don't understand how if you feel old, that dating someone younger solves the problem. Wouldn't that just make you feel older in a way?



Last edited by ironpony on 08 Dec 2021, 4:51 pm, edited 2 times in total.

kraftiekortie
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08 Dec 2021, 4:34 pm

How does one "become young?"



QFT
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08 Dec 2021, 8:45 pm

ironpony wrote:
But you said before that you are attracted to younger. So wouldn't you rather choose 'a' therefore?


Well, I want all aspects of being younger. Being able to date someone younger is only one of them. That aspect is important, yes, but so are others.

ironpony wrote:
But also I don't understand how if you feel old, that dating someone younger solves the problem. Wouldn't that just make you feel older in a way?


It would make me feel younger since I would do what younger people do.



cyberdad
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08 Dec 2021, 8:50 pm

QFT wrote:
cyberdad wrote:
QFT wrote:
she talked to me a lot more than others) And I blew it in both casees. .


QFT I am just curious whether the instances you "blow it" (like this one with Russian girl) whether it comes from a systemic habit OR not being able to sustain the flow you initially create OR a coincidental series of bad luck?


1) What do you mean by "systemic habbit"

2) In what way would the situation with Russian girl (since thats the one you mentioned) amount to "being able to sustain the flow"? I thought coming late or not finding the right connection doesn't have to do with the flow of conversation once we do talk? Or do you think that if I did better job at "sustaining the flow", she would have been more willing to overlook those other things?


The questions were based on your own self-reflection
i.e. 1. Am I doing something each time I communicate with a girl that is systematically putting them off?
OR 2. Are specific circumstance in communicating the girl making it challenging difficult to avoid making a blunder OR
3. In the flow of conversation have I stopped paying attention to the girl's needs/wants and focused too much on my own compulsion to say/do something that deep down I know ruined my chances.



cyberdad
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08 Dec 2021, 8:51 pm

ironpony wrote:
QFT wrote:
ironpony wrote:
So the reason why you only find younger women attractive is because you miss your youth basically then, is what it boils down to?


Yes exactly. If I had a choice between

a) Staying old and dating someone young

b) Becoming young but dating someone old

I would definitely choose "b".


But you said before that you are attracted to younger. So wouldn't you rather choose 'a' therefore? But also I don't understand how if you feel old, that dating someone younger solves the problem. Wouldn't that just make you feel older in a way?


Aren't you dating somebody 15 years younger?



QFT
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08 Dec 2021, 9:04 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
How does one "become young?"


I was talking about hypothetical.

Still, however, I have some ideas:

a) Go back to school (done; didn’t help much)

b) Catch up on the stuff I haven’t done but should have. In my case, research publications. I found the journal that seems more willing to publish my work. Will try this one.

c) Improve health to the point of my body rejuviniling. No, fake stuff like Botox don’t count, I am against it. I mean, find natural methods of making my body actually healthier. One thing I can think of is becoming 140 lbl which I used to be instead of 150. Actually when I had COVID I fasted and got down to 134, but then I gained it all back and became 150 again. So I need to find a way to keep it at 140. Also I need to get back my high schoolmrnning time. Back in high school I did 3 miles in less than 20 minutes (something like 19 or 18 minutes actually). Right now I do it in 21 or 22 minutes (before COVID that is; I have no idea how I would do after COVID, haven’t tried yet). So I need to learn to do it under 20 minutes at the very least. But also I need to do other things. Such as find NATURAL way to regrow my hair. Also improve my glucose metabolism. Doctors don’t think I am pre-diabetic yet on my home meter sometimes it looks that way, so I need to find a way to cure that. What doctors DO think I have is high cholesterol, so I need to cure that too (although it’s not as scary as anything diabetes related, to me anyway). But in any case those things by themselves won’t define age. So I need to look for longer list of bio-markers and try to fix them.

d) Reconnect with folks I used to know a long time ago. Like I said I managed to reconnect with one such person, but I blew it. So now I have to hope to find some other ones. Yes I have some specific people in mind, but I have no idea how to find them. But I guess since I was lucky one time, I can hope to be lucky again (unless I find a way to have fresh start with the one person that I found).

e) Go back to live in geographic locations I used to live in. Well since my life is tied to schools, this means applying to low tier schools that happen to be geographically close to the high tier schools I used to be at.

I know it’s not perfect but that’s the best I can think of.