Black-and-White Thinking in Flirty or Romantic Interactions

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Ever since I hit puberty at 13, and even more so after I went on my first real date at 18 in college (as opposed to friendly outings with a female friend, which I've had even in high school), up until age 24, I thought of a woman's romantic feelings toward me existing only in two states: visceral disgust or profound love. (And with my ugly looks and poor social skills, most women's feelings were the visceral disgust.)

Now, I was aware that lust existed too---which I learned about from trashy talk shows. But with me being uglier than Quasimodo and not having a car until I was 19, I knew damn well that I wasn't lust material, so "lust" wasn't even on my mind---lust was reserved for men I now know as "Chads". Which left only two mutually exclusive romantic states: visceral disgust and profound love.

So, when I went on my first date at age 18, considering that she went on an actual date with me, I immediately thought she felt profound love. (Today, I know how stupid that was!) So I immediately started making long-term relationship plans in my mind. Which I'm sure she picked up on, and reacted accordingly. Which explains why she didn't want to dance with me in a snuggle at our college's winter dance. I basically ghosted her after that night (it was rude on my part, I know), as I realized her feeling for me were "visceral disgust" and not "profound love".

I was completely unaware of myriads of in-between states. Like "comfortable enough to take a snuggly photo with him just to make him and myself feel good". Or "down to dance with him at a social occasion because I find him fun to be around". Or "enjoy slow-dancing with him because I find him decent-looking". Or "attracted enough to kiss him while dancing, but stop him if he escalates past that" (which I didn't try; that was on my 2019 cruise). Or "willing to grab his hand to look at a scar on it, while sitting in a hot tub together; I know he'll enjoy an attractive woman touching his hand, but I also know he won't misread it as interest in sex or freak out over it" (on the same cruise).

It took me until age 24 to stop thinking of dating as black-and-white, and start seeing nuances. That was when I became marginally successful in dating, and even more so after my first two cruises (both at age 29) where I met women fairly easily. And it took me until age 35 to start reacting to a woman showing interest in me as nonchalantly as I react to a friendly dog jumping on me: find it mildly flattering, but mostly take it in stride.

Did anyone else harbor this thinking, at least until you wised up?

A lot of gaining wisdom is trial and error. When we have a limited amount of experiences, we may view whatever few experiences we had as the norm. Or have black and white opinions instead of nuances.

It takes many experiences to identify patterns of what works well for you, what doesn't, etc. Aspies or otherwise shy/introverted people may take longer to have these experiences, and hence be late-bloomers.