Feeling Lost. Havent had a significant other in many years.

Post Reply New Topic

I'm turning 70 years and have never even come close to having a girlfriend, let alone sex.

Women just completely ignore me like I don't even exist to them and especially the pretty ones.

I won't be surprised if I become a kissless and hugless 90 year-old virgin who's existence has never even been acknowledged by any woman (and especially the pretty ones).

I feel pretty much socially invisible nowadays.

Maybe women just see me as an ugly loser who they want nothing to do with but I honestly I don't really care about women and their problems anymore just like they absolutely don't give a f**k about me.

Do you or have you ever had a friendship with a woman?

The way you describe it makes it sound like an unhealthy relationship that you should break off regardless of whether you have a romantic partner or impending marriage.

That he's your brother doesn't matter. There is no family member anyone should feel bound to so much thar it justifies perpetuating an unhealthy relationship.

Sometimes things can be fixed, and I certainly recommend a reasonable effort to try. Sometimes you just need an extended break from a family member. Sometimes the right thing to do is completely cut someone, even a close family member, out of your life because the relationship is irreparably toxic. Which one applies to you is something you will need to decide for yourself.

Is it possible that sometimes women misread or misunderstand men, especially people like us on the spectrum? I know what it feels like for women to take something completely different from the way I meant it.

So, I don’t know the original poster does anything that necessarily should make women uncomfortable or would think that. Maybe he’s just quirky and isn’t understood.

People misunderstand each other all the time, no matter their gender.

People should strive not to make others uncomfortable, though. Behavior can be changed.

Behavior should only be changed to a point thou. Things get very one-sided if one person is expected/required to majorly change their behavior while the other doesn't change anything for them.
I wonder if he is meeting the wrong type of women or meeting them in the wrong places. I find women on the spectrum tend to be a lot more understanding & much less offended by me than NT women unless they have certain triggers. They tend to appreciate directness more & there's less hidden meanings & subtext for me to guess. The OP mentioned having better luck in another country so perhaps some of his issue is cultural differences. Perhaps where's origionally from has some different customs or something & he hasn't fully adapted to the change.

If several women have said that he makes them uncomfortable, it’s very likely that his behavior is the problem, and he needs to change it if he wants a different result.

I don’t think the issue is about one woman based on the OP.

Or he could try meeting women who be less likely offended by those things. I've often been accused of being rude, mean, & hateful, & other such things by NTs but some other NTs say I'm very sweet & respectable. There was a debate on a forum I used like 15 years ago & some members were wanting me banned & some other members said lots of good things about me & asked if two different members were being described because they saw me a very different way. I also find people treat me a lot nicer in Vermont than when I was in Louisiana.

It would be much easier to change one’s behavior than to move to a locale where people are supposedly nicer.

I can’t say that I’ve seen much of a difference between the people in Vermont and those in PA, Maryland, or NY. I’ve never been to Louisiana. Most often, when people are creeped out by behavior, they are too polite to say so. “Southern hospitality” could keep some from speaking up, I’d imagine. I’m not from the South, but I’ve never told creepy guys that they were creepy.

Once again, if multiple women have told the OP that he’s made them uncomfortable, then he needs to change his behavior if he wants different results. It’s quite likely that he’s made others uncomfortable but they just haven’t said anything due to good manners and safety concerns.

Perhaps women find him uncomfortable due to his facial expressions, body language, & tone of voice. It's common for Aspies to have that misinterpreted. I'm usually not aware of how I express that & some people who known me well liked to joke about me looking mad. After they've known me a bit they realized I wasn't.

It generally takes much more than that for multiple people to speak up about someone making them uncomfortable.

Once again, he can change his behavior if he wants different results. It’s his choice.

Ultimately it's every individual's prerogative to decide who they'd like to associate with, or who they're comfortable associating with. Sometimes there's unfair prejudices involved, but that's still something they're entitled to.

If the factors are controllable, one has the option to control them (at least to a degree). Behaviour and how one presents are both largely controllable factors, so if one's struggles are significantly rooted in those factors, one should seek to improve things.

What part of NY? NYC, suburbs, or upstate?

My partner has experienced HUGE, night-and-day differences between the people here in NYC (Queens) and those in most of the other places he has lived (including a NY metro area suburb).

For example, almost everywhere else he has ever lived, he has encountered lots of hostile reactions to his speech impairment, from anti-immigrant bigots who assume it's a foreign accent and tell him to "go back to whatever country you came from" (even though he was actually born here in the U.S.A. and has an ancestor who came here on the Mayflower).

Therefore, the only kind of neighborhood where he can live comfortably is a highly multicultural neighborhood with immigrants from many different countries around the world.

More generally, a highly multicultural neighborhood is more likely to be much more tolerant of harmless but obvious quirks, of whatever kind, than a neighborhood with one dominant ethnic group or even just two or three dominant ethnic groups.

Have you ever lived in a highly multicultural neighborhood? If so, and if you didn't notice any significant differences between it and more culturally homogeneous neighborhoods, then I would hazard a guess that you don't have any inescapably, glaringly obvious quirks.

Once again, if multiple women have told the OP that he’s made them uncomfortable, then he probably needs to change his behavior if he wants different results.

With this I agree, at least if the behavior is something he can indeed change.

However, we (and perhaps the OP) don't yet know enough about WHAT he was doing that those women didn't like. We don't know whether it's some entitled assholey behavior of his, which he can and should change, or some harmless but stigmatized quirk beyond his control, like a speech impairment.

Right, knowing more about what women say makes them feel uncomfortable would help.

It might be his fault, it might not be, it might not be anyone’s fault.

If they feel uncomfortable, they feel uncomfortable, but they might perceive things differently than what it actually is.

Just from my experiences, at least in my younger years, I said things to girls I shouldn’t have, but there was no way I thought anything of it when I said it, and I’m not talking about a raunchy joke either, something I meant more harmless and they got scared by it.

So, it’s important to really, really be careful what to say, because women seemingly can get scared and uncomfortable easily.

Maybe he can control it, maybe he can’t. If he can’t, hopefully someone accepts him for his ticks/quirks.