How do you feel about marriage?

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What is your honest opinion about marriage?

I don't want to offend people who are married or want to get married, but I honestly don't believe in marriage. I never intend to get married, but that doesn't mean I'll never have a relationship (but it'll be with people I choose).

I think the reason I despise marriage so much is because of how bad my Mom has made it look. She has been married 3 times, and her third marriage only lasted 4 months.

I don't know anybody who is "happily married", everyone I know is either divourced or has serious marital problems. Marriage to me seems like something everyone is convinced they "have to do", and the truth is marriage tends to bring out the worst in people. Also I'm a pretty selfish person, and I'm not willing to sacriface any of my freedom or money for someone who could one day decide "they're not happy" and not only divource me, but try to ruin my life just to get even because I "made them unhappy" (I've seen my Mom and her husbands do this all the time, believe me).

One thing I get sick of hearing from everybody is whenever I tell them I neverwant to get married, and they look at me with this dopey grin and say "Aww you'll change your mind one day" -_-

Anyways sorry if it bothers people, but that's just how I honestly feel about it.

I would like to eventually get married.

Well, I have never had a very high opinion of marriage. I really think it has to do with the people involved. Just think - 2 people, with their respective baggage, get together and try to make a go of it. It's usually that baggage that tears them apart. You are basing the doubtful outcome of marriage on your mother's experiences with it, but really, where else can you look? That's the marriages that have imprinted themselves on your mind!

And for myself, my mother was stuck with an abusive mate for 13 years, and that alone has made me reluctant to tie myself to anyone. With my AS, I cannot read the signs that will tell me I am dating a potential disaster. So, I am extremely reluctant to seek out marriage.

I'm not offended, it is a good question to ask about a very important matter.

As someone who married very late to someone who'd been divorced, and as someone who has mental health issues, I can say, and my wife too, that it can be a great challenge.

It is also true that as well as making trouble worse, marriage makes the great times better.
Was told by married friends before marrying that marriage makes everything more intense.

The kind of things that happen in good marriage are as right now, I'm talking to my NT wife, who is also a member here about what to give as input.

She came from a marriage where her first husband turned out to be a pedophile. Not a good thing.

We've had some difficulties due to mental health issues, physical health problems, and each in both of us, and the rather different family styles we came from.
Another thing to work through was that we were both speaking English but it wasn't "the same language" Several words and phrases meant very very different things to us. And it took time to sort out some deeply hurt feelings as a result.

What has kept us going is very deep love for each other. There are still things to work out. And will always be.
Now, how to define what that "love" is? Hey bubbybird, (my wife) got any ideas?

I'm gonna add that it is okay to have whatever outlook toward marriage you have, that's you, and don't let anyone put you down for it.
My wife's daughter has no desire to get married and no desire to add children to this nutcase world.

That is a risk.
And that needs to be taken into consideration.


Some of that is necessary in a balanced marriage.


I have several opinions.
1. I'm glad I did it to this woman, most of the time.
2. She's glad she did it to me, most of the time
3. It's not for everybody
4. It is hard work but it can be worth the effort, assuming BOTH people are making that effort.
(could add something about my daughter-in-law at this point, but I'll be nice, for now)
5. Assuming a marriage lasts till one of them departs this life, the loneliness at that point will hurt like nothing you could ever imagine.
6. Marriage, for us, is pretty damn fun

again, do and be what you need to for you and don't allow someone to pressure you into going where you don't want to go.
In short, you be you.

This is going to sound like the annoying statements that you refer to in your initial post but...

At age 19, "I never want to get married but I'm happy to have relationships" is a good place to be. Maybe it will change, maybe it won't. Right now though, you're in a good place.

It sounds like you've had the wrong role models.

Marriage can work well but it IS hard work sometimes. If you and your partner aren't willing to work at it and be tolerant of each other, then you shouldn't get married.

Just keep your options open and look for the positive stories as well as the negative ones.

In my family there are lots of happy marriages. My parents are very happy togheter, they hold hands when they go out, they make each other surprises, you can feel that they have something special going on. Occasionaly they argue but it's always respectfull. I learned to do that from them, I argue without being rude. One doesn't need to insult the other to get the message across. I learned that a relationship is not something that will work just with the right person, but it's a lot of work from 2 people that WANT to be in that relationship. Some of my friends still look for the 'right' person, they think that a relationship can work without effort, that they had such bad look that they didn't find that person yet. I think that if 2 people have some degree of compatibility and are willing to put the effort and are committed to each other, it will work.

We were both 19 when we got married, 20 when we had our first child, 23 and 24 when we graduated uni and 27 when we had our second child and left our country. We are a team, maybe not the perfect team but a strong team. We respect and love each other very much. My 14 y.o. NT daughter told me that her best friend's parents think we are weird (well, they think hubby is ). I asked her what she thinks about that. She said that we may be a bit weird but a least we are happy not like the friend's parents who argue all the time. I'm not saying everything is perfect but people expect things to be perfect rather that work to make them perfect. A family where parents work in a respectfull, loving relationship will teach children how to have one in the future.

i guess surley it can be whatever you want it to be... its yours to create. Just because the typical form and structure of most marriages isnt fucntional doesnt mean we cant create it in our own vision.

in essence its a question of Unity and orientation of Love. marriage is perhaps the only state of unity one enters in life with the excetpion of the union of mother and infant. Unity can be very (if not the most) pleasuable phycological state of mind that many people require or would make many people very happy if they find or create it.

I think that shouldnt be undevlaued as a potential goal in life. But in the light of how society and individuals at large initate their marriages and how they fall in love is perhaps the reason why they fail so regulary and make it seem so compelling that it is a impossible ideal to achieve. I belive that most people enter marriage without awareness of its real value, the value of committing to a mutal vision of partnership in life. Perhaps most people enter marriage or seek partners from feeling of personal inadequacy or merely copying theyre own parental protoypes. Its common to see people revert to paretnal/child realtionships in marriage, many look for caretakers and guides etc etc.. or many marry from fear of being alone, vunerable or financial and aspriational reasons. All this creates an incorrect foundation for UNITY, the goal of all partnership.

Apparently it's a wonderful thing to have if it works - my parents have been together for over 50 years, my sister has a happy family of five and few visible worries. Of course, all of those people I just mentioned are devout Christians, so they all have one deeply rooted core set of beliefs and values in common and I think that makes a huuuuge amount of (positive) difference.

I on the other hand, never drank that Kool-Aid. Have had three marriages and a couple other committed live-in relationships and none of them have worked out happily. I had already come to the conclusion that I did not in fact have the personality to be happy sharing space with others on an ongoing basis. I like having my house to myself, my things in my own space, and operating on my own (routine) schedule. No matter how wonderful I may think another individual is, the longer I have to be cooped up with them, the more I come to hate them. At nearly forty, I realized that perhaps I wasn't meant to be married and I felt freed by the epiphany.

Then I found out that I'd been living with this congenital brain dysfunction called Asperger Syndrome all my life and it gave me a neat checklist for all the personality traits and behaviors that had been sabotaging relationships for me for years. Ironic, that I discovered why I was happier without the hellish stresses of relationship building only after I'd come to precisely the same conclusion on my own. If I'd known this when I was twenty, it could have saved me years of psychological anguish. On the other hand, I wouldn't have the wonderful child that I do.

I'm not saying Aspies can't make a marriage work. I know this one can't. Or rather, my experience has been that it requires a lot more effort than it gives back in rewards. And I know that even trying is such a monumental headache, I hope that any Aspie who does try it, has found exactly the perfect person for them, 'cause there aren't many humans worth that kind of mental exertion. It's hard, dude. Really, really hard.

That's why I strongly recommend no-strings, casual hookup sex. Most of the perks and you can still sleep in your own bed. Alone. (Don't gimme that "but I don't know how to meet people that way" - what do you think God made the Internet for?)

Heh, I totally agree to that!

I do want to have sex one day, but I want to wait till things are "perfect", like I have my own house ( a CLEAN one), and I have a stable job and have complete control of my life.

^^Seconded, but not sure if I will necessarily wait until marriage.

At 28, I deeply, deeply, want to get married someday. I cannot imagine finding any kind of happiness in my 40s and 50s while continuing to be alone. It's hard enough now, having not ever been in a relationship.


At the same time, I'm old enough to know that marriage is A LOT of hard work, a HUGE commitment, a radical way or reworking your life, and above all else, (what should be, at least) a permanent decision and the biggest one that you'll ever make in your entire life.


Because of this, I would never rush into marriage, and cannot fathom why people would wait until marriage to have sex. In love? Sure. But marriage? No. Sexual incompatibility is a huge reason why couples break up. Why add that to everything else? Even honestly and truly loving someone from the bottom of your heart isn't enough for a marriage to work out. It's a MAJOR life change, and a major commitment.

If I marry, I don't want to mess it up, and I don't want to jump into it too early. I definitely don't want to be a divorcee in my late 30s, further stuck in my ways and once again looking.

Nobody ever enters marriage intending to mess it up - and funnily enough when it does mess up, it catches us all by surprise. The most compatible of marriages can be easily "messed up" by events outside ones control.

The secret, find someone you really like and both agree to work at the marriage whenever it needs repairs.

There's no such thing as a perfect choice, just a good level of commitment.

I never really understood the point of getting married. I mean, you can spend the rest of your life with someone you love WITHOUT getting married. And then there's divorce...I'm strongly opposed to it.

I don't think there is anything to believe in. It is sort of a non concept like the 'sanctity of marriage' banded about by politicians. I have no problem with people getting married if they want to, just don't confuse marriage with commitment or family. My cousin has a long term partner and kid. They have never intended to get married.

In NL there are different kinds of relationships when living together as a family. All kinds of formal relationships.

But when I hear about marriages (or similar formal relationships) and observe some friends of mine; then it looks like something really difficult, that takes a lot of effort.

But since I am not holding short term relationships, it is not likely I will marry in the next years. Something my family regrets a lot. But when I look a the problems of others, I am not that sad about it myself.

I've been happily with my husband for the last 2 decades, and to be honest with you, we both consider marriage to be a legal convenience that makes it easier for us to conduct our business, travel, etc.

Marriage or not, we're both fully committed to each other. Getting married just made sense from a legal/convenience standpoint.