My thoughts on modern dating.

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Someone made a good point in another thread: For a lot of NT's, only a casual bond is needed, and sometimes not even that in some cases, to date or be exclusive. That way, they can end it whenever they want and begin a new one. I'll go even further...for a lot of NT's...sex has become nothing more than a handshake: For men, it's a sport. For women, it's a means to get what she wants (Things bought for her, power-play in the relationship, keeping his interest or an attempt to.)

I'm not saying every relationship or sexual encounter is like this, but I'm saying for a lot of people...what should be an intimate act...the sharing of bodies and a physical as well as internal bond is for men just another sport like football, only they're participating, and for women a means to get what they want. Most women admit that they can get themselves off sexually better than any men, even a man they're in love with, ever could.

I haven't had sex, but I don't even have to have it yet to know that casual sex isn't for me. When I was fooling around in bed with the girl I was dating (we weren't going to have sex that day anyway...she was on her period)...I kept telling her how beautiful she was and wanted to say "I love you" even though I wasn't in love with her. When we were dry-humping and she was talking dirty to me, it felt like a joke because I didn't feel any connection with her whatsoever, despite her being physically attractive and an ok person.

I also felt empty when we were dating...wanting more out of it...more internal fireworks, more of a talking relationship.

I think a lot of NTs just want validation that comes with the constant attention of a member of the opposite sex, which isn't a connection, it's neediness even if it's well-disguised and not verbally spoken.

I also think that most guys are pigs. Every straight guy notices beautiful women to some degree...but in a lot of cases, it's not out of admiration but out of douchebaggery. Women are nothing more than a piece of meat to a lot of guys...and there are a lot of guys, like my ex-friend, on the sidelines, too shy and not attractive enough to have a lot of casual sex, who wish they could be like the guys that sleep around. These guys, both the ones that sleep around and the ones that wish they were, complain that women are b*tches and dumb, but ironically are picking the b*tchy and dumb girls because they seem sexier on the outside than the good girls.

I also think it's a human trait, NT and AS, to want what we can't have. I was like that when I was younger. Wanting the perfect 10 snobby girl that only wanted the jock guy or the guy with the money and made fun of other guys for no reason.

As a result, we have a lot of unhappy single people who don't even know what they really want, or a lot of people in unhealthy relationships, or people that are happy being miserable using people for sex or being used for sex.

Why can't two people have sex when they only have a casual bond? It doesn't need to be impersonal, it can involve a connection, just not commitment. Is that bad in your opinion?

therange, you're going to have to realize that humans are animals. I once wanted to believe that everything was a Disney fairytale with "I love you" 's, but it isn't always like that. sex is mating. mating very rarely ever includes the fluff you see in those kid animations.

girls want sex just as much as men do, if not more. that's a great thing. women need to stop feeling that everyone will see them as sluts if they sexually express themselves. women deserve to be as dirty and kinky as men. so in that sense, I guess you could say that yeah I'm a feminist.

so men see women as meat to f**k? in some cases, in some circumstances, YES. that's animal instinct. here's the kicker..... a lot of girls see men as meat to f**k too. That's fine.

Life is dirty. We're all dirty. grow up and get used to it and spare us these bleeding heart sermons, please.

I know what sex has become. But sex isn't meant for fornication. I'm not religious so I'm not going to preach any "Casual sex is a sin" b.s., but casual sex is like one of you said, people giving into animal instincts, and we are supposed to be better than animals. After all, even spontaneous sex is pre-planned to some degree (as someone is carrying condoms or the woman is on birth control.)

I do realize that there are extenuating circumstances where two people are friends, get along, have a good rapport, but for one reason or another, wouldn't make a good couple. Well that's at least a good connection and no problem having sex while waiting for the real thing to come along. But going on 3 dates, having sex, then breaking up makes the woman a slut or the guy a manwhore. Facts are facts.

Sex wasn't made to be a hobby. It was meant as an expression of love.

in that case, there wouldn't be a single human left on this planet. "love", if it ever comes, often happens after sex. facts are facts.

Most people get married (love) then have kids. I know some people make mistakes, whether it be out of hormones or intoxication, then have babies, but most people have parents that at least at one point were together and in love.

I remain fully unconvinced.

So your saying that first when a person has sex with another person they will fall in "love"?


facts are facts? Where the hell did you hear this BS from?
IMO you can stick those facts up where they came from

It depends on the person. From my experience, some are comfortable with casual sex and only settle down when they start getting insecure because of age. Others need to feel 'love' before they can ever do anything remotely sexual.

I believe people should at least think they're in love before they yank off the pants, because that's what comes most naturally for me. I understand that not everyone is like this though.

I do think we are way to "loose" in society. We treat sex like if it were disposable.

Purely opinion, therange... there is no rule that sex is meant solely as an expression of love; that you see it that way is appreciated - but it is in no way the only or the 'correct' perspective on sexual activity. I'm not sure where the belief that man is above animals, that man is not a 'natural' creature comes from... perhaps you can shed some light there for me, as I am truly baffled and have been for some time regarding that preconception. Lastly - that you were making a point is understood, but if you were to starting throwing those labels as insults towards others, there would be a problem.


M.

I agree with therange about casual sex. I think that as sentient beings we should strive to overcome our animal intstincts that are in conflict with 'greater good' or morality or whatever you want to call it. Part of what makes us human is that we have a capacity to feel love and affection that stands above all the other animals on earth. Casual sex is just a subversion of what ought to be a deeply emotional as well as physically pleasing experience.

Also winternight, you sound cynical. I think you have some issues about feeling love that you're projecting onto the world.

Chill out.

and no, that's not even close to what I said. I said most people have sex, and love might come later if it comes at all. I never said sex automatically means the people will fall in love.





Explain to me how I am supposedly the cynical one. therange is over there calling all men pigs in a derrogatory fashion.

I'd like to see how you reconcile that.

There is no standard pattern. Sometimes people fall in love before sex. Sometimes after. Sometimes not at all. There is no pattern, no data, and therefore no facts.

Did Janissy just take an open-mindedness pill? This was the girl who was like, no woman will ever be able to separate sex from love, so it's so awful of me to want to be physically intimate with my female friends.

Now the others are saying the kind of things you used to say, and you actually admit there is no one way of doing it.

I stand by the unlikelihood of you having casual sex with your female friends. Everything is possible given how many people there are, but some things are more likely than others. There are plenty of women who have flings with men they are merely attracted to and won't ever really love and women who have one night stands with men for a myriad of reasons; getting back at an ex, instant attraction that dissipates in the morning, alcohol. What seems rather more rare is your dream woman who has sex with her male friends. Although she must surely exist somehwere (every type of sexual variation exists somewhere) she's not as ubiquitous as you seem to be hoping. From what I've seen in real life (a very long life, though of course I haven't met everyone) and heard about and read about, when a woman has sex with a man she will never love it is generally either because the relationship burns out before it deepens into love or it's an encounter with a man she doesn't know terribly well. Your friends who are women? They aren't just going to hop in the sack with you and then hop back out again. Well, they might. But since that is so far out of the norm it's pretty unlikely.

edited to add: let me put it this way- if there was a woman amongst the women you know who has sex with her male friends just for casual kicks and not looking for anything particularly meaningful other than a good time with a guy she knows, you would already know it by now. What seems a doomed effort is trying to sell women who want no part of that. If you want a one night stand with a party girl, don't look amongst the women you already know. If any of them did that, you wouldn't be on here wondering why they don't. A party girl is more likely to have her one night stand with somebody who is at least one degree of separation from her; a friend of a friend, for example. Not always, but again, if you knew any women with the "sleep with my guy friends" preference...you wouldn't be posting on here. A big part of it is the awkwardness. After sex, it is very hard for women to just carry on with a man as though nothing has happened. Thus the appeal of the man she doesn't know all that well- the friend of a friend. She won't have to go back to normal everyday friend interactions with him and pretend the sex didn't happen. Sex changes everything- at least for most women it does.

Last edited by Janissy on 01 Oct 2009, 2:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.