I'm not in love with my husband and I need some advice

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I have been in a relationship with my husband for 14 years total and married 6 years. We do not have any children. He is a very kind, hard working, and loving natured man. We have always been complete opposites as far as personalities and it has always worked until now. Through complacentcy of the relationship my husband has gained 100 pounds. I have been on his case for the last 2 years about this for his health and for our intimate aspect of the relationship. He never paid me any mind about that until last month when I told him I was leaving him. I came to realize that not only do we go our opposite ways and do things, but even when we are together when doing things we dont get along. We seam to have lost the "fun" and the "spark" we once had together. I love him deeply but Im not in love with him anymore. I dont even look forward to going home to him after work now. When he or I go on a trip out of town I dont get that butterfly feeling of excitement to see him upon return. His weight has completely turned me off and I am no longer physically attracted to him either and he knows that. I feel like I have been beating a dead horse for the last two years and now he wants to work on things because I am wanting to leave and I feel like its too late as Im burned out from trying to motivate him. I also feel like the complacentcy thing will re-occur and he will fall back into his comfort zone in a matter of months. The other problem is that I met a man who became a friend and an occasional dance partner when I would go out with the girls. My husband knows this person and knows we dance together. (my husband wont dance, so it wasnt an issue) Anyways over time this man witnessed arguments my husband and I had over the phone etc. He knew we were having problems and he and I discussed what was going on in my life. He and I realized we had an attraction and discussed it. Due to the fact that Im married we didnt act upon it, until recently. We were embraced in a kiss in his truck and my husband busted us. He also busted the other man in the face. I cant blame him considering the scenario he came up on. I admitted in front of both of them my wrong doing. I think that was the real breaking point for me. I realized that for me to allow that to happen after 14 years of being with someone that maybe we werent meant to be together afterall. I have not spoken to the other man since, but I still feel like I need to leave my husband. Im scared to live alone, Im confused at what decision to make, and all of my friends I ask for advice that know us just look at me and say "well you have to be happy". I rented a home from a friend and have had the keys to move in for a week now. My husband had an emotional melt down about me moving out and now I feel even more guilty, confused, and lost as to what I should do. My husband wants to work on things despite what occured with the other man. Its just so weird being in the same home with someone I love and would give my life for, but I feel more like family to him than a wife and lover. Please help!

CS,

Strangers on the internet can't (certainly shouldn't) make that kind of decision for you, and really, you don't need them to. Sounds to me like your decision is already made and you're just second-guessing yourself.

^ All good points there.

It seems like your sense of duty to him as a wife and your caring for him as a person in general are all that are holding you back. Basically, you feel guilty.

You said in your post that you don't think it can be fixed, you're already living somewhere else, you're no longer in love with him. The relationship is already over. You feel bad about hurting him because that is not your intention.. but is going 'back to him' and effectively allowing him to bury his head in the sand and pretend nothing's wrong going to really help?

Again, I agree with Willard that this is not a descision we can make for you but if you truly feel that your relationship cannot be fixed, then you have absolutely no real reason to go back to him. The best thing for him and for you would be to stick to your guns. If you go back out of guilt you will end up wanting to leave again and that will just be more heartbreak for you and for him.

If you think that your relationship might possibly be able to be fixed by some communication and a counselor or such, then that's a bit of a different story and is more complex.

*edit* I think I perhaps mis-read the moving out thing. You say you have the keys but have not actually left, is that right?

Last edited by mitharatowen on 22 Oct 2009, 4:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Agree with Willard and mitharatowen, though I'd like at this point to also suggest a possibility that is a bit of a mix of what mitharatowen mentioned. I agree that there is little point to staying with a man out of guilt if you'll just end up wanting to leave again, but there's no reason to rush out too hastily either. There's nothing wrong with moving out and getting away from your husband, and perhaps that's what both of you guys really need. At the very least you can take the opportunity you have away from him to think and experience life without him, and then you will then be able to get a better grasp of what he actually means to you. Similarly, he'll learn what life is like without you, and will begin to understand what you mean to him. Now if after some time, one of you doesn't mean anything to the other, then it's all done and over with... but if both of you still feel that the other person is still loved and cherished, then the time spent away will have served its purpose.

100 pounds? That's the root of the problem right there. He's too heavy and you're not physically attracted to him, and this is getting into all your other activities, hence the missing "spark". If I get 10 pounds out from my long term average of 180 I start to feel the difference, so I can imagine how he must be feeling. I see a serious health issue that must be addressed or else adult onset diabetes, spinal fusion, heart problems and even increased risk of cancer could be in his future, in addition to feeling relatively miserable right now. Whatever you decide to do, he must address this problem for his own benefit. Assuming his calorie intake is balanced so he's currently holding a constant weight, he will have to burn an extra 350,000 calories to lose the 100 pounds. If he burns an extra 200 calories per day, every day, he could lose the extra weight in about 5 years. That's about 1/2 hour of moderate activity, something slightly more strenuous than walking. Slightly overweight people sometimes report that extra activity makes them less hungry, and it's when they return to the healthy region of operation that exercise makes them more hungry.

You didn't set that situation up on purpose did you? You take issue with your husband's weight, but he has a legitimate complaint now, too, and in giving him a cause for complaint, you've squandered your moral high ground for making demands. Your friend may also have cause for grievance. He is learning that bad things happen to him if he hangs out with you. You could have been more careful. Would you have said your husband's response was still justified if he'd punched you instead?

I'm guessing you probably shouldn't count on leaving your husband for your friend, assuming he doesn't leave you first.

Last edited by sgrannel on 22 Oct 2009, 6:09 pm, edited 7 times in total.

You situation is very familiar to me. My wife and I hit exactly the same impasse about 7 years ago.

The only difference was that we had one child and we patched things up in order to stay there for that child. Surprisingly, we patched things up well enough that we're back as a couple. My wife still has a weight issue but I don't nag her about it. She's slowly getting herself ready to deal with it.

We can't make your decision for you - only tell you that you will be both happy and unhappy regardless of the path you choose.

I'll state some obvious facts (which lean on both sides) for you to ponder...

1. Your husband obviously loves you.

2. You can't change people - sometimes (very, very rarely) they can change themselves.

3. Love wears off. You can't maintain the same sort of love you have when a relationship starts for a long period.

4. You may find someone better - or you might not. Some people like being alone, some people don't.

5. It's easier to leave when you have no kids.

6. The grass is always greener on the other side.

7. Allowing any third party (of the opposite gender) to interact with your spouse, particularly if the relationship is discussed ... is dangerous.

8. No relationship is maintenance free - you have to work hard at it.

9. It takes TWO people working hard on a relationship for it to work - you can't do it alone.

10. There are lots of outside influences that you don't even realise, mid-life crisis, menopause, stress, children, parents-in-law etc...

I could probably go on forever but this little list is worth thinking about.

There's no right or wrong choice.

Or rather, "The grass always looks greener on the other side."

I think you should trust your instincts, and live alone for a while. I live alone and it's not so bad, I just keep a baseball bat under my bed.

It doesn't have to be all or nothing- try to date him again, and maybe he'll step up, and lose weight... (I'm in a very similar situation... except I wasn't married, just cohabitating.) Above all, don't let guilt determine your fate, but don't cut him out of your life until you are sure. 14 years is a long time. I hope you get some peace about it.

It sounds like you already know what you have to do. Life's too short to waste it where you don't want to be, with people who won't dance or take care of themselves. Yes, divorce is hard, but just take it one day at a time.

Well, let me start by asking, are you really fed up with your husband or are you just in lust for other men?

It was the wrong idea to get involved with anyone when EVEN if you aren't in love with your husband, you guys still have issues to work out--even if that means you're going to separate.

Plus, you reassured and convinced your husband that there was nothing going on between you and a male dance partner--You betrayed his trust in more ways than one. I mean, do you know how big of an issue it can be in a relationship to have friends who are of the opposite gender?

Also never discuss your problems with anyone who isn't completely unbiased. Even if they THINK they're unbiased, anyone who is guaranteed a hook up with you as a result of your marriage ending are not in your corner, they're in their own corner.

You guys should've had a therapist, discussed it and if nothing worked--then you could've broke up and then you could've gotten with any guy you wanted. Now instead of it merely being you weren't being attracted to him anymore because of his weight-- You also don't care about him emotionally or about the dignity and respect of your marriage.

I'm also sitting here wondering, if your husband lost the weight and looked better than ever what then? Are you that impatient? I mean if he said he was willing, get him some exercise tapes and some slim fast and work out with him. If you're done because of something non-physical (Spark as you said)

Yeah, don't stay with him..but if it was something that could've practically been fixed, then you could've got him some weight loss tapes and slim fast and exercised with him. Geez, I guarantee as unhealthy as most U.S. citizens are, we could all stand to be healthier anyway.

That was a bit harsh.

I think she knows that it was wrong. Sometimes these things just happen.

I apologize if it was harsh. I honestly didn't mean for it to come off that way.

and



He sounds exactly like me. Oftentimes, I would not do anything until I face the problem, and once I faced the problem then I am willing to do EVERYTHING to get it fixed, but people won't let me.

A very good example of this is my career in graduate school. At first I thought that in graduate school all I have to do is just courses and not research. Then, 2 years later, when I realized I do need to do research, I started working on a subject I "don't like" and then I didn't wnat to read anything on it until I re-interpret its axioms to make myself "like" it better, which took another year and a half. Finally, the department gave up on me and they told me they would expell me unless I find an advisor within half a year. But no one was willing to work with me, due to my bad history. Literally TWO DAYS before they were supposed to expell me for not finding an advisor finally someone agreed to work with me, so I stayed in school. Then all of a sudden my progress became much much better, and three years later I completted my thesis, even though I had to start everything from scratch!

Unfortunately, in most other cases I don't have similar chances given. For instance, my last girlfriend, Jennifer, broke up with me because she was trying her hardest to make me put effort in a relationship for over a year, and I kept refusing to, so she is done. I now tell her that I finally realized exactly WHAT I did wrong which I didn't realize before, so I want a chance. But she tells me that its too late because I was refusing to take it before. But on my end of a line, I think I deserve a chance -- even if its been over a year when I was refusing to do what she was telling me -- that was simply because I was too "death" to "hear" her or too "blind" to see what I did wrong. Ironically, I would feel a lot better if I actually heard her, tried hard, and it wasn't enough. In this case, sure, she can dump me since I don't have capacity to do better. But since I didn't hear her, then may be I do have capacity to do better, so I deserve a chance to.

So in light of this, I think you should give your husband a chance. Don't you want to find out if he can do better now that he tries? If at this point there is something MEDICAL that prevents him losing weight, then thats a different story. But if, as you say, he can lose weight just fine if he diets/exercises and you simply don't think he will do that, then give him a chance!



You don't know that. My studying, for example, continues to go very well, even though its been three years after the whole expulsion situation was fixed. Now I am a post doc and I supervise myself on my own research; yet I still do well. So may be his fix will also be permanent, now that he had a wake up call.

If the OP was a man abandoning his wife because of her weight, most users would say :"ohh you **** shallow". Oh well, that's another issue.

OP, you are already cheating on your husband, at least mentally , so I guess that you made up your mind.

My entire family was trying to pressure me to break up with Jennifer because of her weight, and they were thinking I was "ridiculous" for not doing it. Well, I am 140 lbs and Jennifer is 250 lbs. Do you think that ppl make an exception for THIS kind of discrepancy in weight?

Note to self: Don't just look the other way if a wife or girlfriend says there's an attraction issue and she wants to get a male dance partner.

I don't want to sound harsh either, but if you wanted to hear the truth you've come to the right place.

By cheating, you've already moved in the direction of separation. However, involvement with other men before separating makes it look like the want for another man was a cause of separation, which makes you look bad, and this can also carry legal significance. At the very least, wait until the ink on your separation papers has dried (if you go that way) before starting another relationship to avoid having it counted against you in court.