Balance between faknig confidence and being true to oneself

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I've tried to take to heart what many people say, that if you don't yet have the confidence to seem attractive and desireable to a potential suitor, you should try to put up a good front, to fake it, as a means to achieve some success which could then be the foundation for real confidence.

I feel I'm doing an adequate job of projecting confidence, even though I do not feel I have much REAL confidence, because success in dating continues to elude me (I've never had a relationship, never made it past the first date, and can count the number of kisses I've had on half of one hand).

My concerns now are two fold. 1) I feel like I'm being dishonest, misleading and fundamentally misrepresenting myself, by not being more open to the person I'm sitting across. I feel like I'm lying (which I am) when I try to project confidence and self assurance, because I am a very self doubting, insecure person.
2) Are my efforts to project confidence working against me? By trying to be confident when truly I am not, am I subsequently giving off a new vibe of deceptiveness which could be turning away potential suitors as much as if I were presenting myself as openly insecure and afraid?

BR

Is there a difference between being confident and pretending to be confident?

I don't know who gave you that advice. If you don't have the confidence, faking it isn't going to work, and it certainly won't help you get more confidence. Think of how you learn a new language. You could take 5 years of French classes, but what do you learn? My mother can't speak a word of French, and she took 5 years of it. My friend can speak it very well, but he lived in France. This one guy in a store told me he learned more Spanish in 6 months visiting (I forget where, Colombia maybe?) than he did in 4 years of classes. I can't speak Spanish very well, and I took 5 years of it. Languages don't have to be country based, it can be the language of confidence, the language of tennis (something I'm learning now) or the language of playing video games. You learn because you want to, and because you aren't afraid of whatever it is. So if you want to learn about women, and you aren't afraid of them, you will learn. The best way to overcome your fear is to just go out there and talk. You know how if a girl came up to you and asked you a question, you would respond? They are just as afraid as you are, Aspergers or no Aspergers.

I used to be a horrible dancer, but now I'm pretty good. The first time I went to a rave, I was absolutely horrible. It took all my strength just to make an ass of myself on the dance floor. But after 3 or 4 times of going and embarrassing myself, I was somehow able to relax and have fun, and once that door was opened, I started getting better. Same with women. Once you figure out how to talk to one, you can talk to anyone. You will fail a lot, but you are supposed to. She isn't the only girl in the world, no matter what Rihanna? says...and whoever "she" may be.

Yes.

I'd prefer to approach this whole thing with a different frame of mind. This is too binary and goal oriented; there's only two meaningful results to a person with a mindset like this - success and failure. Learn to appreciate the dimensions and shades of grey and colour in between. Be open to just enjoying the process, simply existing with open awareness, finding that each moment is an opportunity to experience and grow and learn.

If you can do that in any situation, then you can be confident that you are always doing the best you can, even if she runs home screaming.

Last edited by Moog on 16 Jan 2011, 12:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.

How? If you pretend to be confident doesn't that push you to do thing? - which then makes you more confident?

In groups, I fake confidence. One on one, I am confident.

Well, you can push to do things without feeling confident of the outcome. Life would be boring if you could always have 100% confidence in an outcome.

If projecting an aura of confidence helps, then sure go for it, but there's definitely a difference between projecting confidence and being confident.

It doesn't always build confidence to fake... you can go around feeling insecure, feeling like someone might call your bluff at any moment.

What if you're faking confidence and disaster strikes... I have the utmost confidence I can pilot this Boeing... oops, guess not, into the mountain we go!

Last edited by Moog on 16 Jan 2011, 12:47 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Ah I see.
I think i'm rarely confident but I project it often, because I feel safer that way.

Thanks for explaining more.

Some of us can fake confidence. Make eye contact, or look at someone's hairline..... mimic thier body language etc, but I think that always made me come off as an even bigger spazz, than I would stammering and looking at my feet. but really the only things I do is interview for jobs, beyond that I don't meet anyone.

I was always totally ok with my patients, because of the way our relationship was already outlined. We both filled our roles and didn't step out of those boundaries.

I don't think that made sense at all.

What is there to be so afraid of?

What ISN'T there to be? That I'll make a fool of myself, be laughed at, rejected again. That I'm ugly, uncharismatic, that my interests are of no interest. That I'm wholly unsuitable and unworthy of anyone's affection...

Oh, I bet you're a great person, you just don't give yourself any credit.

I try to think I'm a good person, but if I was, it I truly had any merit, then why for all my efforts (easily more than a hundred women) has not one reciprocated any kind of affection, or even maintained contact after a single date? Zero for 100+ That tells me there is something wrong with me.

And what worth is a person who does not matter to others? I say none.

As I said in a previous thread, build your confidence. Neurotypicals especially can detect low confidence from a mile away. Confidence in oneself is key to being able to keep friends.

That's a solid point...I always wondered that myself. There is a different I would think but I think its minimal. Allot about confidence is pretending and after doing that allot you start to believe it...its almost like how compulsive liars can convince them self of something thats not true after a while...

Be yourself,
That way, if somebody wants you, they will see you.

Theres a scripture about a man invited to a dinner, and sat at the head of the table, only to be humiliated when the host asked him to move for somebody more important.

Jesus said, better to take the lowest position, then you will look good when the host says, "why are you sitting down there?, come up here".

Not completely relevant, but I think people look better when thier actual abilities speak for themselves rather than a pretense that may prove embarrisingly false.