Why I am attracted to "Preppy" girls

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Hello everybody:

This is kind of a continuation of the ideas from my last thread......... I want to say first of all that I'm sorry if I used any "sexist" language. A few times in my life, I've been told by people that I said things that were "offensive" or "politically incorrect." To explain very quickly, I think the reason for this is sometimes I was searching for a certain adjective that was too impersonal to describe a certain thing. My speech is generally very constant and mechanical, and I tend to describe things in cold and absolute detail.

Anyway, I know it was the advice of some people to perhaps pursue more introverted type of girls who perhaps would "mirror" me. I disagree strongly and I already know well what I want. The thing is that I am overridingly attracted to the top-tiers of girls (especially gregarious ones.) While it may sound shallow, the first reason is that they are tremendously gorgeous, funny, engaging, and I love girls who smell good. I am a clean-freak myself, and I love girls who really take care of themselves, and I love VERY feminine and cute types of girls. I really really love when a girl acts very feminine and flirtatious.

Its also a fact that when I was a youth, these type of exclusive cheerleader-type girls were the ones who snubbed me and looked on me as an untouchable. While some might not like to hear it, its a huge sense of accomplishment for me when I can engage with these type of popular girls.......... and I can mask as an NT and have them accept me................ even if they won't date me, they can parry with me as an equal to them and accept me as an equal in their conversation. It gives me a huge ego boost to make me feel how far I have come...... and if they will date me, then what a rare prize I have earned. Being socially accepted into "the cool kids table" is about enough for me though to make my head spin.

I have a huge desire still to be socially successful...... this has given me a huge drive to try and masquerade as much as an NT as possible. I have been doing this for so long, that I think I have just really internalized some aspects of a more "Alpha" personality to the point where it is 2nd nature. I've become a bit 2-faced.

In order to socially develop, what helped me some was I made it a bit of an internal "competition" with me where I'd feel I had "scored" if i had done well in a conversation, etc, etc.............. doing this for so long developed a bit of a hunter aspect of me............. In a way, its become kind of a game for me to pursue the top catch I can and have a go at it. I've unwittingly set high standards for myself this way through my huge motivation in many facets of my life (working out, school, etc,) I know it sounds crap, but when I can come together with a very exclusive type of girl, who wouldn't give me the time of day 10 years ago, it is a massive rush for me.

"Preppy" girls also help "fill in my gaps" Its like I want a partner who will introduce me to new experiences, especially social ones. I feel that in some physical, mental, and professional areas, I've been successful enough to merit that such a prestigious type of partner would take me seriously for a relationship, and we could reciprocate as equals. I frankly want my future wife to be downright gorgeous. I also want her to be intelligent/and/or/educated so we can have deep conversations and keep alive mental and sexual "sparks." This is very important to me.

I have spent much of my life STARVED for intelligent conversation, so I really need a woman who can go back and forth with me.

I have also before associated with other people with AS face-2-face........... and other introverted people. Frankly though, I don't get on with them. I've just sort of learned that i don't look down "alternative" roads for dating since I don't mesh with those type of people. For me, dating another girl with AS who also has social issues would be a bit redundant for me.......... It would also be "more of the same" for me of just sitting about the house, doing little, and having the same tiye of issues multiplied exponentially if we went back and forth. I really don't want to deal with things from another like random meltdowns, tiptoeing about a human time-bomb, and weeks on weeks of staying in. I really want a girl who can make me complete.

I am also concerned that dating another introvert will "mirror" back to me the worst qualities I detest the most about having AS....... and I would begin to grow angry about having this reminder in my presence. I also just don't get on with others who like video games and electronics (these things bore me to tears.) I also can't tolerate the presence of anybody who has hygiene or cleanliness issues (I don't hate such people personally, but I'm very sensitive to odors, hoarding, and living-in-filth)

That is why I have a very clear mind of the type of "preppy" girl I generally direct my efforts at. This is why I don't mind giving them what they are used to in first encounter and mask as an NT, to get them to accept me. If I was to give an "Aspergers" first impression, I would turn every one of them away. I just absolutely love gorgeous and preppy girls.

Since "some people" would be me, it's only fair to answer! (Though it's well past 6 AM here and I have to go to sleep, so a longer reply will come later).

I understand the idea behind complementing personalities. I know it works for me to be with my NT husband, who gets me back on track and who cares about some things I don't notice. Some people on the spectrum do feel better with an AS partner, while others work better with NTs. Nothing wrong about that.

However, a NT in question (or an AS person, for that matter) has to be someone who understands you and supports you and who is there for you.

On the other hand, you need to know what you're getting yourself into if "preppy" girls are what you like. You need to understand that many people who are very sociable are also quick to pick any "mistake" you can make in your presentation. These people tend to notice all the small things others might not: a wrong type of shoes or a wrong way you greeted them. Many (though not all) of these highly popular people are also quick to reject anybody for these small details and for being "weird" or "different".

Obviously, it's a generalization. There are popular people who accept even those who are socially awkward. But I can assure you there are many who will be quick to reject you for any of your mistakes. I don't know how, but these people can just sense something is off about you. And you can't fake being a perfect NT.

Very good insight, but you have to be careful. These preppy women you refer to may appear ideal on the surface, but I guarantee you that most of the ones you meet will have a shedload of issues behind closed doors. Believe it or not, most attractive, preppy women have very low self esteem. They love drama and will want to bring you into it. Instead of being focused on what such a girl can provide you, you should be focused on what you can provide such a girl. Would you be able to meet her emotional needs? Better yet, how can you stand out from all the guys who ask her out everyday?

Also keep in mind that most preppy girls do not date nice, clean cut guys. Instead they date guys who are in control and won't take crap from them.

^ Hey there ! !! !! !!

While it is also late for me, I will make a very quick reply.

I realize that "Preppy" girls might have those high expectations of me of which you speak. Believe me, I am ready for the challenge........ I am a good judge of people as an adult........ I can sense these types of things and issues coming on, and I can separate the wheat from the chaff.

I know I've taken the worst of it in my life from NTs, and NT-girls,....... sometimes though, I and others might exaggerate and overanticipate how cruel they might be to us in some future encounter, based on horrendous past experiences. I've found that adult NTs tone it down a bit and are more accepting, at least compared to middle-school and high-school NTs.

Firstly, you're putting up a facade up by not truly being yourself and when that facade falls and the real you comes through, she will realize she was falling for someone who truly wasn't comfortable or confident in themselves or who they are. Find someone who accepts you, not someone who makes you jump through unrealistic expectations.

Secondly, you're putting for too many unrealistic expectations on your future partner which I find to be unfair, this will give you a sense of insecurity and make certain situations and problems more difficult to deal with.

Also ask yourself this, what would you have in common with a preppy girl? How would you be able to relate to them? It appears to me you're going for women as a means to boost your social status and to help you find validation and acceptance in yourself which is the completely wrong way to go about this.



I agree, I'm not one to believe in generalizations or labels but I had a relationship with the type of girl described here and all she was concerned about was starving herself, spending thousands on clothes and make up and watching her favorite chick flick movies and shows such as Gossip girl but she had many underlying insecurities from unrealistic expectations people had put on her and she lived her life to the beat of them, rather than truly living life by her own expectations and standards or just being comfortable in herself for who she is.



It's much better to be comfortable in yourself rather than to mimic being a generic person when you're not generic, it's better to meet someone who appreciates you for you and is willing to take the time to understand, a relationship should be about mutual respect, understanding and acceptance but perhaps he will learn this the hard way? I think someone should date for the connection rather than to boost their social status or to feel validated.

I don't think you have to justify your preferences to anyone.

On another note, I find it interesting that the people you consider "cool" are the people I considered boring.

Anyway, I hope you find what you are truly looking for.

Gawd, you're too picky.

Yeah, they come with a lot of baggage. While it may be designer baggage, it's still baggage.

Frances

OP, it sounds like you are going for the exact same type of girls who rejected you in high school just so that you can boost your ego, and it is a recipe for disaster. it seems like your self-esteem hinges on whether or not you can pull a girl like the type you've been crushing on for over a decade.

you're not seeing the women as distinct individuals but rather focusing on an a type that doesn't even really exist. they are not interchangeable; they are people. you seem to want to date them for what they represent (social success), not for the people they really are. they are not conquests or targets; they are human beings with their own individual needs and desires.

if you use a mask to get them to accept you, as soon as they realise that you are not the person you are pretending to be they will not stick around.

"feminine, "flirtatious", "gorgeous", "gregarious", "cheerleader-type", "funny", "engaging" and "cute" are words you've used to describe your ideal woman, but elsewhere you said you wanted someone intellectual. i am confused about how those two aspects can combine in one female because it sounds like you want a smart bit of fluff.

one last note... preppy girls are not always clean in terms of their environment or hygiene. just because they use scented products doesn't make them clean (physically or environmentally). you've built up an idea of how you think these girls are but they are really no different from any other females.

It does seem this is the case here. You crave social acceptance and you want to improve your social status and to find validation. While I understand your feelings and needs, I must say I don't think you're doing it in a productive way.

You need to turn to yourself and start working from there. You need to learn how to socialize and how to be relaxed enough around people to be yourself. You also need to learn how not to care if some people see you as "weird" or whatever. And you need to learn you don't need popular NTs approval to validate your self-worth.

Frankly, I think you're digging a hole for yourself here. I don't think you can present as an ideal NT these people want you to be (or else they wouldn't even notice you), and even if you can fake it, it's not a good thing to do. It's emotionally exhausting and it gets you nowhere, and it sure won't get you a compatible girl. It IS better to be yourself. I'm all for learning social cues and coping mechanisms, but there's a difference between learning some DOs and DON'Ts or communication ans trying to sell yourself as an "alpha male" (*cringes at the term*)

Not to mention people are often different than the way they present themselves. This is particularly true for the popular, hyper-social types, because they need to maintain the "popular" facade all the time, and they're often acting to hide the bad things or their own insecurities. Being hyper-social requires time, and energy and incredible skills to navigate the social scene, and while these social butterflies enjoy it and are good at it, it doesn't mean there aren't some bad things under it... And there often are, because most people have their insecurities and family problems and issues and what not.

But the hyper-social types often hide that from people and try their best to maintain the casual, easygoing facade, not letting people see what's really under it. And it's often pretty bad stuff, lots of issues and insecurities. Just like with the rest of us. The thing is, being this hyper-social is often a defense mechanism and these people are often less stable and mature and are often deep into their insecurities and need others to validate themselves and need others to admire them and give them lots of attention.

Not all gregarious people are like this, but the truth is, they often are. Once you get near them you realize they can be difficult to deal with emotionally, because they need people (including yourself) to validate them and admire them, and they also tend to be "high maintenance" and complicated to deal with.

Plus, when you're this social and this "pretty" (= dressed up), it takes a LOT of your time and you become preoccupied with this. Not enough time to read philosophy or to engage in alone time which is required if someone wants to be highly educated and informed (and you want to have intelligent conversations with the girls). I'm not saying preppy girls are stupid or uneducated; it's just a harmful generalization and I hate it. But you do need to understand that constant socializing and a constant care for physical appearance do take a lot of person's time, and there's only 24 hours in a day, so she might not have enough time to read or to fully engage herself in academic research/education if she has a manicure scheduled and two parties in a row that night.

Agreed with the recipe for disaster.

Having said that being preppy, nice... and intelligence arent mutually exclusive(though it would make finding a suitable partner even harder). I have had the luck to meet some amazing preppy girls. Just so you have an idea when my lovely parents decided to send me to the priciest school in town for troubled kids for reasons unknown I literally knew no one and spent the breaks next to the bathroom(dont ask me why but it seemed logical) the first person to approach me was one of the most popular girls in class and she was the stereotype for preppy. Im not sure why but she took me under her wing and she made sure I was comfortable at class(even when we hadnt talked in weeks) and for the first weeks I had males I didnt know asking me how did I manage to approach her and couldnt believe she had approached me.
And there are a couple of similar stories, its what you get after having lived in a golf course for over 15 years you eventually start looking beyond those awful clothes and try to get to know them.

I want to add on to this. A while back I went to Chili's for lunch, and the waitress was very pretty, cheerful, and talkative. However, she had a whole bunch of scars on her arms from where she intentionally cut herself.

Last edited by MacDragard on 03 Dec 2011, 12:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.

^^^true that preppy girls are not always airheads, for sure - i'd never assume that about a preppy girl. he seemed to be talking about a specific cheerleader type that is focused less on academics and more on fashion and fun, and he used a lot of adjectives that focus on a bubbly personality and not on intellect.

it reminds me a little bit of the impossible contradictions in a song like "Short Skirt, Long Jacket".

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X5KmB8Laemg[/youtube]

you're correct that those categories don't have to be mutually exclusive, but his descriptions make it seem really unlikely.

I'm not terribly specific about the personality of the girls I want to date. When it comes to the personality department, all I really want is a girl who treats me well and has some intelligence. If she's nerdy or artsy, that would be preferable, but I can go with a girl who is neither of those. I tend to be more focused on physical attractiveness anyway; you can be friends with almost any type of person, but that doesn't mean you'll want to get physically intimate with them.

Its true.

It's also important to understand there's a difference between a friendly, sociable person who is loved by her peers and the "preppy" person described here. Friendly people are nice and sociable, and people want to be around them because they make people feel good. (As the opposite of the AS people, who make others uncomfortable; people just don't know why, but they just often feel uncomfortable around them).

These genuinely friendly people are still focused on many things in their lives, and hanging out at parties or shopping are not the most important things in their lives. They have goals (be it professional or academic) and are perfectly fine to be alone or to tone down their social needs when there's more important stuff to be done.

The "preppy" type described here focuses too much on being popular and on the top of the social hierarchy. These people focus all their energy on looking good, or being liked and admired by everybody, or on constant partying. It's so time consuming they often don't have time for anything else. They often don't like people for who they are, but because of their place within social hierarchy. The worst thing is, this popularity and constant socializing isn't natural for them either. They work hard for it and they focus much of their energy into maintaining it. It's often just a way to hide their own insecurities or problems and issues. Which is ok; people has a right to overcome their issues any way they can. But many of those preppy types turn out to be much different than they present themselves.

Last edited by deconstruction on 03 Dec 2011, 4:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.