Am I just impatient?

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Alright so this guy I've been seeing I hung out with him a couple weekends ago and hung out with him last wednesday night. Then yesterday I texted him to see if he wants to hang out this weekend and how he was. Said he was horrible because he had a bad week and was probably busy this weekend but would let me know if we could hang out saturday or sunday. The impression I am getting is he's got some crap to take care of so I should just let him take care of it and get back to me whenever he gets time.

Thing is whenever these kinds of things arise my mind always is flooded with paranoid thoughts about how 'maybe he just doesn't like me and is avoiding me.' 'maybe I was pushing things along to quick and made him uncomfortable.' 'he could and should probably find someone better.' ect. ect. even though it is perfectly rational for him to want to take care of whatever it is before we hang out again. And then the longer I go without contact the more frequent and worse thoughts like that are and I wish I could just chill out about it.

I mean hell even if it turns out he wants to break things off then that's what happens but its so early In the relationship I should not even be concerned with that....I mean we are still in the getting to know each other process. So does anyone have advice on how I can just quit stressing so much about this?

This has killed a LOT of potential relationships for me.

Things go swimmingly, either online, or in person, and then I don't hear from them for a few days and I get paranoid and desperate to get in touch with them. I personally don't think it has anything to do with being an Aspie.. it's just that I'm so used to having people quit talking to me that I just automatically jump to conclusions. It happened over and over again in school, and now it's just a Pavlovian response.

As for how to not do it.. I've yet to find a way. I can read a book, I can watch a movie, I can play a game, but I'm crap at them or distracted because I keep wanting to run and check my email or my phone to see if I got a Text or something.. It's really frustrating and I know it makes me come off as needy.. It's just that I'm really ready for something to finally work out.. that I wind up becoming the instrument of destruction that keeps it from working out.

Yeah it could have something to do with that.....because in reality there is nothing to indicate he does not want to see me anymore, I mean last time we hung out he paid for mine and his beer and the time before that he took me to a movie, we had a few drinks at a bar and he cooked me food and pretty much paid for everything other than my bus fare. Not to mention when I did text him yesterday I doubt he would have bothered responding if he was sick of me already.

But yeah that is what I am afraid of, I don't want to let that sort of thing get in the way.....but I know It will if I focus too much on 'OMG I have not seen or talked to him in a couple days!' when that is ok especially so early on....I mean yeah we've gotten pretty intimate but there is still a lot both of us would need to learn about each other to determine where things are going to go in the long term.

The problem is when a person has interpersonal problems, consistently, it really does become ingrained to automatically assume something horrible has happened.. I think though since he responded, and not in a snarky or mean way.. it isn't anything you need to worry about. The problem is when you start letting your brain run away with you and "filling in the gaps" and "reading into things".


Personally It sounds to me as if you guys are working out fine. I can't even tell you the last time I got as far as taking a girl out even for a drink, but it certainly sounds like there is promise.

Yeah he did not respond rudely just did not say a lot about what was wrong or anything, and if he's anything like my brother that means he probably needs some time and space due to whatever it is. Besides I don't know he's gonna find many other girls in the area that like to go out and drink and not flirt with every other guy there to.......and would actually enjoy the weird pets including a gigantic spider and a black widow he has.

Quite right. I would daresay that there are not a lot of women like that in the world.. let alone in his immediate geographic area..

Yes, I agree, it could come across as clingy and desperate which isn't a very attractive trait in a relationship. If you build up social anxiety in yourself and have occurring thoughts about rejection or hurt, of course you are going to act more erratic and irrational. You need to simply discern the thoughts that lead to this behavior before the thoughts build into something more and you end up saying or doing something irrational that might ruin or harm the relationship.

I don't know how to prevent thoughts from forming in my brain..........but whatever I guess I'll just wait see if he ever gets back to me, if not I guess it didn't mean anything to him after all. I mean normally i would give it like 5 days and then text just to see how he's doing but I'll just see if he texts back and if not I wont ever text him again I guess cause I don't want to be that clingy annoying girl he does not know how to get rid of. Also I cant deal with the stress of always being the one to initiate interaction...if that makes any sense I mean what is so wrong with people texting me and suggesting we hang out or inviting me to do something. But everyone always pulls the 'well it's your choice what you wanna do, its up to you when we hang out ect. it just really stresses me out because I'm cool with whatever works for them and would prefer 'how bout we hang out friday night.' for instance then I can just say 'that sounds fun, alright.'

But it always ends up being I text 'hey, hows it going......and do you maybe wanna hang out.' and then 1 or 2 dollars worth of minutes later me and the other person come to some arrangement of when to hang out or that it wont work out that time. I just hate feeling like I'm the only one bothering to initiate anything. And this is more in general( I realise this particular time the dude actually has stuff he needs to take care of so it makes sense he's more focused on that right now) I just don't want it to come up again with this relationship provided it actually does go anywhere. I guess maybe I could try talking about it with him if it did become a problem......I just don't want to sound stupid trying to explain that I usually do not have an exact strong preference for when to hang out or what activities to do and which ones not to and so I prefer if someone else suggests things and I'll say what sounds the most intresting to me. I mean part of it is probably the depression if i don't enjoy things as much as I could what's really the point in preferring a certain movie over a t.v show for instance.

i am quite paranoid and tend to be clingy, so i date people who can handle that. if i just try to suppress i am not being honest with me or with the other person.

i have done years of therapy (probably seen over a dozen therapists in that many years, plus 3 kinds of group therapy), and i am on an assortment of medicine... yet i will never really be 100% secure and "normal" when it comes to life, much less relationships. i have ASD in addition to PTSD, major depression and generalised anxiety disorder (plus i also meet some or all criteria for OCD and AD(H)D according to the shrink who diagnosed me).

basically, i function fairly well but i am never going to be 100% like an average regular person. so i work around it by associating with people who are up for the challenge of being with me. i have a lot of postives to offer in a relationship (like you do, Sweetleaf), so honestly some of this stuff is really just part and parcel of how i function in a relationship.

I usally just tell my partner if I am feeling that way. How is someone meant to understand you without just expressing exactly what is going on? I am starting to get my boyfriend to do the same thing because ultimately we can't read minds and most arguments and fights are caused by miscommunication especially in the initial phase. And when you have asperger's this miscommunication can be ongoing a long time into a relationship due to most aspies failure to properly interpret interpersonal information.

Try sending him a text just saying exactly how you feel and ask him to clarify instead of possibly causing yourself to get stressed and axious and possibly projecting those things onto the guy when he may have no idea at all.

Uhh well crap it's Saturday and the dude hasn't even texted to let me know he cant hang out let alone that he can. Maybe I should just let it go.....i guess if he wants to see me again he'll text me some day.

I just wonder if it would be appropriate for me to send him a text along the lines of 'hey, I know you've had some things to deal with but I'm kind of getting the feeling you don't have any more interest in hanging out or anything because you haven't texted even just to say hey, how are unless I text you first ever since the first time we did hang out.' or maybe I ought to just say 'hey man I am really down about myself and my life and so since I am already down I feel like since you hardly talk to me when we aren't hanging out that you don't actually enjoy my company anymore......or maybe that is better grounds for 'Im down about myself and my life and I don't want to bring you down so maybe it's better we go our separate ways and you'll probably find someone a bit better. Besides i don't want him to get too attached because for all I know I'll end up attempting suicide or in a psych ward within a year so maybe I should get over my want to have a relationship........and just let him know we ought to go our separate ways because he just did not meet me in a very good time in my life and I don't want to ruin his life with my problems.

The first option for your text is best.

I would simply write. " hey xyz, it is saturday and you mentioned we would be hanging out. Since I have not heard from you I assume today is off. The lack of communication overall is leaving me to feel you are not interested in me."

yes, this^^^

Well he said he was probably busy but would let me know if he could hang out......that was like 4 days ago, but he has not even texted to let me know if he's actually busy or not. I mean I guess I will wait til the next time we communicate to jump to any sort of conclusions about anything. I guess part of it is I've just been feeling really down the past few weeks so these kinds of things are extra disappointing and lead me to get too anxious about it and jump to too many conclusions. I mean in the rest of the post I think its obvious me and this dude have not hung out quite enough for us to have much obligation towards each other yet. so it might be too soon for me to be worrying that he's sick of hanging out and such.

i'd say your best options are this ^^^^^

or:

waiting till he contacts you.

in the mean time, every time you feel insecure about it all, make sure you tell your brain 'im not going to think like this'.

maybe writing things down in a journal would help get your feelings out without having you stress too much.

continuing to worry about this isnt going to help at all, as others have said. it will likely push you apart, if anything.

Why are you worried to just tell him what you are thinking? Nobody is a mind reader and if someone doesn't like you being too honest about yourself, they are really not worth your time. I am blunt though and refuse to play any mind games. I even write out lists to give to my boyfriend that outline behaviours of his that I like and what hurts me and what needs improvement ect. He loves it because there is no miscommunication.