Should she know?

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I went not too long ago through one of those drunken enlightment moments, called and talked for two hours with my dad and everything, but there was also something very important crossing my mind... should I tell my girlfriend about AS?

We've been around four months together. And I'm starting to believe, my reasons to not tell her are mostly egoistic. One part of me believes, if I can act NT like for long enough, she'll grow to love me, and then she'll stick with me even if she knows the truth afterwards. But really, she should better know what she's dealing with right now, and decide for herself if she really wants to get into this or not. I mean, if I'm willing to change so much of my personality to fit in society, I'd be willing to do my very best for the woman I love, and she's the kind of woman I know I'll grow to love eventually, but maybe my best is not good enough? This is not the stage where I idolize her, I already know several of her flaws, and have grown to cherish them but... this always worry me. I believe I should just tell her and be done with it, maybe she will accept me as I am, right now, no catch, or maybe she'll decide she doesn't want to deal with it and leave me alone, but either way I think it would make things easier. I dunno.

Last edited by Shatbat on 24 Jun 2012, 11:04 am, edited 1 time in total.

Here's the problem I find with acting NT - they're going to find out eventually it was all an act, especially if it gets to the point where you start shutting down. Personally, I'd tell between now and a few months time, but only do this if you have enough backup information to go into detail and explain it should she field some genuine questions or have other statements about it (i.e. "But you look normal!").

I think you should have a discussion w/her about it. Honesty is the best basis for a truly loving, long term relationship. You don't want to start out hiding things from each other.

That said, the label Asperger's doesn't really convey much about you when it comes right down to it, so the discussion should include your specifics as far as you know them, & the hope that the two of you will explore how the particulars play out in your relationship. Self-discovery is an on-going process, you don't know all of how AS manifests in your life & you will continue to grow & change together.

Really working to develop clear, kind communication is key, I find. My partner checks in w/me about things, asks questions about ways I do things, say things, doesn't assume my motivation is the same as hers might be. I also check in w/her. This is extremely helpful in preventing misunderstandings, resentment, & blow ups.

I'm kind of in two minds about this.
4 months is still quite early on. If you told her after 6 months or later, I could understand that.

Yes, she does need to know, at some point, it will be important, and she should have the choice to decide for herself.
The question is going to be when is the best time to tell her?

Do you really think that you need to do it now, or do you just feel you do right now because you are away from her, missing her like crazy and also perhaps feeling a bit guilty and those emotions are clouding your judgement?

IMO if you want to wait for longer, that's fine, it's totally up to you when to tell. It is best to let her know eventually, and perhaps not wait too long (I can imagine a couple that is married for years, and then the husband decides to tell).

If you're still getting to know one another, maybe it's best to wait longer. But if you get to the point where you feel like you are keeping a secret from her and it is affecting your relationship, then you need to tell her before she becomes angry that you are keeping a secret from her. So really, go with your gut instinct.

It seems like a good time.
She probably isn't worth knowing if she suddenly decides to dump you.
I doubt she will though as she has been with you for a few months and must be happy in your company.
You'll ask yourself this until you tell her or she gives you the boot.
If you cannot explain it, she could read up about it either by reading up books or using the web. Maybe she'll end up looking here

I've found that the longer you wait, the harder it becomes to broach the subject. It's started to nag at you, go ahead & do it now. Like PF said, if she dumps you now, she probably isn't worth knowing.

You might also come up w/what you think the strong points of AS are in regards to her... faithfulness? hard worker? what in your case makes you a good partner because of the AS.

Thanks everyone for their responses so far . Really helpful.

That's one of my main worries That moment when she realizes the person she thought I was is different from the person I really am.



Well, I know about Aspergers enough to fill her in about any question she might have. So no problems with that one~




Wow, that's a great relationship dynamic you've got there. Congratulations Indeed, AS combines with all my other personality traits in an unique way, and in some areas of my life the coping mechanisms are so hardwired in me I use them effortlessly and now are part of me, so it would be much more complicated than pointing her to the Wikipedia page on Asperger Syndrome.



If it counts for something, we'd been friends for around a year before entering into a romantic relationship.

Yes, she does need to know, at some point, it will be important, and she should have the choice to decide for herself.
The question is going to be when is the best time to tell her?[/quote]

Well... you got the issue there. She needs to know, not too soon, and not too late.



Well, that's not something I'd discuss on a phone call, so at the very least I'd have to do it in six weeks. And yeah, yesterday I was missing her a lot as I always do when drinking on a nightclub, but by the moment I went outside, lit a cigarette and starting seriously thinking about it with a clear head, I was being much more objective. I came upon the realization that our relationship was not perfect, but I believed that if we sat down and talked we could work out the issues. Then I realized that such a talk wouldn't be complete without telling her about AS, and here I am~



Yes, I feel I'm at that point, we actually knew each other fairly well before being a couple. I'm especially concerned about her getting angry if I wait too long, it can come off as dishonesty from my part, and I feel it is.

That's what I meant in the last part of my post If she leaves me then it'd be for the better in the long term too, I'd hate being alone though.



I know some of the things she likes about me are because of the AS. She likes asking me question and hearing what I have to say about something, and values my knowledge on a broad range of subjects. I value a lot that she's like that, especially now that I'm living with this really [word not found] girl who goes "yeah, whatever" on me whenever I say something beyond the obvious, or ask her something that requires more than two seconds of thought. If she only knew how worse it could have been had she met me a few years earlier! . Ok but about AS traits, I'm always very thoughtful, I actually hold myself from being too thoughtful, I care much more about her than about her looks, and I'm sure there is more.

SORRY FOR TRIPLE POST. This was all one big reply, but I get a "no post mode specified" error message when I post everything at once, and even when I tried to edit the rest in so... this. For the record, all the things I say I hide are not egregiously bad. It's just the combination of all the little things, how I will never be able to be a very good dancer without dedicating more effort to it than anyone else's because it doesn't come naturally, how I'll feel awkward in social situations, or how I'm not able to read her signals properly of when to hold hands, when to kiss, when is it ok to put my arm around her, but having her point that out too me would kill the mood... I'm currently working on those issues, but progress has been slow.

I general, I've got this little theory, how in most relationships the beginning stages are a lie of sorts, where both parties showcase their strengths while hiding their flaws to woo the other one and make themselves look like a good catch? Then as it becomes infeasible to keep that up, and strong, binding emotions develop, they gradually drop the act and each one gets to know the other's true self? I play by those rules, and thus going around with a "Hey, my name is Shatbat and I have Asperger's Syndrome" would not be a smart move, but now... feels like the right time.

As a final word, I wouldn't want to slack off after I tell her, if I do or when I do. AS should be no excuse to keep myself from being a better man, or a better person. If she knows and sticks with me, I'll still do my best to pull my weight, assuming she does too, but with the peace of mind that if I ever slip up, she'll be understanding instead of confused. Thanks for reading aaaall of this btw

I believe that might be a slacker chick.

You sound like a real sweet, kind, intelligent guy who has looked into himself & has a clue about how & who he is... I think this puts you light years ahead of the average guy, NT or otherwise. I think she's got herself a real jewel here, even if it's in the rough, & I'll bet she knows it.

I don't know about your theory of how relationships start... I know in my current relationship, we tried very hard to be honest w/each other about our checkered pasts, of course we brought up our best points, & the things we didn't like about each other we tended to overlook. But I think the honesty has stood us in good stead & we're going on 12 years.

Sounds like you've done a whole lot of pondering on this and there's plenty more to come! As for your theory, I think it's pretty sound. The only thing I'd want to point out is that, if what you're saying is true, how does it account for the relationships where one of the partners comes out AS, but the other person decides to terminate it??

I've been telling people to never tell their date they have AS early on, to the disagreement of a guy who just got a woman's number and wanted to eagerly call her the very next day telling her he had AS and describe everything about it.

However, in your case, it's been 4 months.

First of all, you shouldn't act any different than you are comfortable acting.
Just act like you usually do. Act a little Aspie, but don't call it Aspergers.
If she likes you, it doesn't matter you have AS because she likes you.
if she doesn't like you, it doesn't matter you explaining this to her because she doesn't like you.

Aspergers is not a label. It's not an identity. It's not YOU.

Won't be able to do the multiple answer thing without a proper laptop

Thanks for the compliments DonkeyBuster 12 years is a lot!

And what I meant about the theory is that almost all relationships in our culture seem to follow that pattern. Not all, but most, so I find it better to follow those rules unless there is a reason not to. And the case when one of the parties terminates the relationship, it's because they found out something about the other they just don't want to deal with, like the other is too lazy, or his belt and his shoes don't match, or whatever, but the more they've known each other the more they're willing to overlook. Still a theory though~

And minervx, I get what you mean. I wanted to bring AS because I feel I need to work out some issues with the relationship, and I've realized some of them can be traced back to AS, and even though it's right asperger is not me, it still influences the way I see and interact with the world, differently than other people, and I feel she should know that. I do know she likes me, I like her, and thus if this relationship is going any further... she needs to know.

Woah, insightful. Thanks again

You know, everything you've posted... I think follow your gut. You've got pretty good instincts from everything I've read. You don't need our help, just our

Well, ultimately, it's just a label. Telling her you have AS won't suddenly change who you are, the same way putting a name to it didn't change who you were when you discovered it. A diagnosis or label meerly helps with coping and understanding

If she isn't OK with having a better understanding of how to interact with you, and what your specific needs might be, she's not for you.

I'd say, the sooner the better at this point. You prolly don't want to get too attached to someone, and then find out that she's not OK with a diagnosis for traits she already seemed to like, or that she felt you were lying/withholding.