Not having your life in order.

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I feel this is my biggest barrier to dating. My house is full of fleas. It smells bad from my cats. The car I drive is cluttered to all hell and beat up looking. My room is a mess like it normally is. I've got no job, I'm not in school. I found out much to my dismay I actually do have NVLD/Aspergers, and there is mental things wrong with me afterall, though not what the psychs initially told me. Let's see, I currently wake up at like noon or later, too.

My life is literally and figuratively a complete mess. And my thought process is, why should I bring a girl into my mess of a life? I denied myself to one girl I really liked, and she married someone else and I felt bad about it, but my logical thought process during this time was basically this. My life is too screwed up to allow a romantic relationship. And so, in my dealings with females, despite my normal NVLD/Aspergers dumbness I have with everyone (which I guess to some people is charming in a strange way) I sorta purposely set myself up to like, not get into romantic relationships for the reason of me not being like, perfect yet. I don't know really. I don't like the idea of like, hmm, how do I put this....being a loser boyfriend? A girl bringing me home to her parents and "So what do you do..." "uh....well, I....." Things like that. Like I can't see it like, logical, for a girl to like me. I can't think of really anything positive I'd add to the girl's life, and I'd feel like a leech, if you would. Maybe this is my like, old fashioned imagery of a man being a "provider" so to speak for the woman, too.

Logically, in my mind, I say "now isn't a good time for a girlfriend, fix things up and go back to it" but then in the rest of my life, I start things completely at "wrong" times. For example, I decided I was going to learn figure skating just through sheer brute force and effort, without a coach, etc, just all by myself. It's a pretty asinine thing to do, but somehow my "faith" in it made it work somewhat. Same with lots of things. At the same time, I've had lots of failures and slow progress due to not having, well, proper equipment and things "in order." But if I wait for a good time, there could never be a good time? I've been waiting for a good time since middle school, really, and the times seem to only get worse for the most part.

Maybe this is an error in perceptions on my part, too. Like, perfectionism. Like I can't consider myself a "good" figure skater, or a "good" weightlifter or a "good" mechanic, simply because I'm not at a high level in either of them. Compared to an average person, I'm better, but compared to like, a "professional" at them, I'm bad. But I compare myself to the "professionals." Instead of saying "Wow, you can do 3 turns and waltz jumps figure skating" I think "Why can't you do an axel yet? Why can't you spin, you have bad left backward crossovers." People even compliment me on these things, and I'm sorta confused, as I don't see myself as "good" at them, and see every error I make. In things like cars, many times I can pull off repairing other people's cars, but my own stay in my garage broken. But people still hire me as a mechanic? Why? And it makes me so mad when things aren't, well, some people would say this is perfectionism, but...when things aren't as they should. I did some brakes, bled them like 3 times, still a sort of soft pedal at the end. The guy's wife said she didn't like the brakes, he said they were fine for him. For me, I would have literally stayed up til midnight or 1am bleeding brakes until they felt perfect to me. I feel like this is the only way to succeed in life, to be endlessly self critical, because if you're not, you're just basically being lazy.

Like, I'm around a fair amount of girls, due to my hobbies, but I don't allow myself to get close to any of them, due to my insecurities, which I perceive as being, well, logical insecurities. The problem is less a matter of all girls hating me or whatever, and more just me not feeling like I should even be in a relationship at all because of all my problems. Does anyone else deal with anything like this?

Yep. Ive been living without knowing where ill sleep that night. No money, finding work is next to impossible around these areas. Many other issues that would need to be fixed before i could spend energy looking for women.

I can relate to this a lot (although clearly I'm not in your situation anymore - but it does remind of the short stints I was unemployed for 6 months here and there), even though I'm a girl. I am starting to get my life into order and from the outside it probably looks like it is, but it doesn't feel like I have done it completely yet. I'm at a place that I consider "acceptable" now, but I keep going and the knowledge that I will do much better than this is what keeps me happy - that I know I'm actively pursing what I want to do and that I'm bringing myself closer to that goal all the time.

If I weren't at the place that I consider "acceptable" (barely) then I would be the same way that you have described (actually I was like that for the last 2 years - and many more before that) - closed off from dating because my life wasn't in order.

People have told me that it's a very "male" way of thinking, but I see it as a necessity and nothing will change that fact. I see it as part of being a self sufficent adult who is happy with their life and it is in order first before they consider dating. Even now, if I thought it woud interfere with what I'm going to do, then I wouldn't do it (which has probably been the main reason I haven't bothered to date for the last 3 months or so).

I share youe problem with perfectionism. It's helped me in my main hobby enormously, yet I never consider myself good enough, there is always something to work on and improve - it's a good thing I love it so much and that it is one of my major interests. Nothing in that regard is ever good enough. But I realised that most people simply don't have that kind of drive and the fact that I do gives me a much better chance - so I grab it with both hands and run with it - and also I don't feel that there is another option.

I think when it comes to movitivation - either I have it or I don't. These days - when I have something to do - I just go for it - and if something gets in the way, I keep going until I get it done, I have an extremely one track mind like that. I managed to get into college earlier than I was supposed to because I pushed to do it, brought them old rank from high school and my last course, and my new marks from my current course and asked to be let in late - after some following up (about 5 times chasing up) by me they actually let me.

No time is ever a "good time" - you're the one who has to make things happen. If you're not - that means you don't have anything important enough to you that you feel you have to work towards in which you consider that to not do it is simply not an option. If that's the case- you better off starting to look into things and explore goals that you think you would find worthwhile.

Last edited by Kjas on 11 Oct 2012, 7:25 am, edited 1 time in total.

i think anyone worth your time will not mind those things so much. especially when they see you actually are clever are a nice person.

i can understand feeling like that though as i'm in a similar situation. not got a job or much money. no fleas though

I agree, I think that your first and utmost priority should be getting your personal issues worked out before you start making dating a priority. I see plenty in your post that you can start working on changing right now though. Fleas are really nasty and carry a lot of diseases, so I'd flea bomb your house asap if possible...if you can't leave your house for that long there is also a handheld sprayer you can use (if you use this option though you have to make sure to hit every single surface or they'll just come back). As for your house being a mess and sleeping till noon...perhaps a bit of spring cleaning and an alarm clock is in order? I don't know about you, but I always feel so much happier when my apartment is spic and span! And if you aren't working or going to school now, I'd assume you have enough free time to knock those things out pretty quickly!

The other issues obviously may take more time/effort. So you don't have a job or go to school, but do you have a plan for what you want to do with the rest of your life? That's the first step, then, if your goal seems feasible, figure out what you have to do to make that goal happen!

I think if he hadn't said fleas, I would agree. I think girls understand boys are a little more messy, but no one wants to sleep in a room full of fleas.

The answer really is simple. FIX THE MESS. I"m sorry to be blunt but if you have girls coming at you and your denying them because your room is a mess, that's pathetic especially because you have enough time to do it.

I can understand not having a job, or knowing what you want to do, that is ok but there's no real reason for you to be living in a flea infested room.

You should care for your cats, fleas ruin their health. Who cares if someone like you is getting a f**k, but living with pet animals means to care for their health and well--being. I truly hope someone is going to report you for cruelty to animals.

you do know animal cruelty has a lot better things to deal with than some fleas

Fleas make humans sick as well, can't let that go

As a former volunteer at an animal shelter I have to say that we had to follow each report about animals in bad care, whether they were neglected, mistreated, or in bad health, of which vermin infestation is a part.

In most similar cases, the report came from neighbors whose own animals became repeatedly infected due to contact with those who spread the vermin. Nobody can seriously expect that the whole neighborhood should lock their pets in just because of one filthy moron who doesn't care.

Fleas from animals can also bite humans and although this rarely leads to serious diseases, nobody wants the itching and wheals. Some people are even allergic to fleas. Furthermore, it comes at a cost and inconvenience to rid a house of flea eggs.

If animal welfare should not intervene, the local health department definitely will.

Right, I understand this all, but my mom just doesn't care and she's the one with the money. I've tried bombs a bunch, doesn't do much of anything. May try handheld sprayer next, but the point isn't the fleas. I'm aware of the problems with fleas.

Anyway, on the fleas, my sister has a boyfriend despite fleas/messy house/etc. That's more my question. Again, I'm well aware of the problems fleas give, but without a job (or hell, even with a job) it's out of my control until I find a cheap way to kill them all.

Having your life in order certainly does make the dating scene and relationships a lot less complicated.
And MXH one major problem I found when my life was at that point was thinking I needed to sort everything 100% before I started dating again and I passed up a lot of good opportunities. Just sort yourself out enough and if the right girl comes along see them as something worth fixing the rest of the things for.

thats what i have done. I have stopped searching and focusing energy on finding a girl, but i wont say no if the right one happens to come to me.

Can you find other homes for your cats? How many do you have?

I am someone who has gotten into many a relationship without having all my mental issues settled, and my issues clouded my judgement and all the relationships went very badly. Dealing with your problems first is one of the best things you could do for any potential girlfriend. I think you are wise.

No, the problem came basically from only one cat my sister's friend gave us that has fleas, all my cats are 100% indoor. Besides, the problem is solveable, just not entirely by me.

Going off my sister, she lives in the same place as me, doesn't drive, and has her boyfriend drive her around everywhere and buy her things and stuff. She used to date an a**hole guy who lived in my house for like 4 months, too. But, her life isn't "in order" really either, but she has boyfriends regardless.

I've never heard of bombs not working when properly used. You have to also make sure that if you use them, you don't leave any possibility for re-infestation (ex: if your cats have fleas, you need to take care of that; if they're coming in from outside, put up some sort of barrier on their entry points so they can't get in, either physical or chemical). Otherwise, you'll kill all the fleas in your house, but they'll just re-multiply and it'll be like nothing happened. It's also good to make sure that the infested areas are fairly open/clean so there's no nooks or crannies for the fleas to hide in. Worst case you may have to hire an exterminator...I obviously don't know the details of your situation but I can't imagine your mother would be opposed to saving up for one if you discuss the issue with her.

I think that it's probably even more of an issue than your employment situation because I know a messy, flea-infested house would be a deal breaker not only for me but for a lot of people. Not to mention it's usually better and easier to work on one thing at a time, and this seems from my perspective to be the best and easiest place to start. Sure it is possible to have a relationship in such a situation, but it's infinitely more difficult and anyone you find will likely be in a similar situation as yourself.

And as for cleaning, I'm sure your mother would appreciate if you took the initiative and cleaned everything up! It doesn't really cost much, if any money...just some trash bags, disinfectant, paper towels, and a bit of manual labor should take care of things (I don't know how messy your "messy" is). Unfortunately we can't always choose the situations we find ourselves in, but we can strive to make the best of them.