Coping with horrible breakup

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Firstly, I am like 99% sure that I have Aspergers. The love of my life left me around Christmas due in part to communication issues that were caused by my AS. She basically wanted me to go see her for Christmas because my ex-girlfriend's mom moved to mexico and she was really missing her. The thing was that she did never sent me a text saying directly that she wanted me to go visit her for Christmas. She expected me to 'read between the lines' and take the initiative to go visit her. So anyway she got really hurt because of it, and due to a string of similar instances, she just couldn't take it anymore and left me. I never disclosed the possibility of me having AS, because I was in denial, which I immensely regret because I think things would have been different

This break up is hard because she was the first and only girl so far that excepted me despite my quirky Aspie traits. She was absolutely beautiful inside and out. I met her through work and the first time I laid eyes upon her I knew she was special. After knowing her more and more, I absolutely fell in love with her and I felt a connection with her that I had never felt with ANY other person, including my parents and my closest friends. In the three months that we worked together, she would flirt with me. I was confused by her advancements and suspected that she might like me, but I just could not pull the trigger and initiate anything. Through the grace of God she initiated everything and she even asked me out. The first date was my first ever date, and I just didn't know what to do so I made no advancements on her. Well anyway I was almost close to being 'friend zoned', but somehow I mustered the courage to tell her straight up that I liked her. She told me that she liked me, and was surprised because all my actions indicated to her that I was not interested in her.

What followed was perhaps the best 3 years of my life. We fell so in love with each other and we experienced so many good memories together. Like I mentioned before, I never felt this connected with anyone in my life. It was almost like as if my AS vanished when I was with her. I felt like I could be my true-self with her, and be with her without having to wear any 'masks'. I was so happy when I was with her, but sadly I kept hurting unintentionally by sometimes saying things that, although I said them with good intentions, which offended her immensely. And like the Christmas incident that ended our relationship, I would do things that would make her feel like I didn't care about her. It been almost 4 months now since we broken up and I have been in such a deep depression and in such emotional pain that I have never felt before. I'm just so sad because I feel like my only true chance at love, the only person that ever 'got' me is gone forever. And her being absolutely beautiful just makes it that much worse. I was 21 when I got in the relationship and now I am 24. I am so scared that I will not find another love or at least another one that was as accepting as she was. I am scared that I won't ever feel that connection that I had with her with anyone else. I look at my brother, who is 26 and most likely an Aspie himself, and he has never been in a relationship and doesn't seem like he will anytime soon. Honestly, I'd rather just not live anymore than have to live the rest of my life without the possibility of never having that connection again.

I'm sorry to hear that you are in deep pain. I know what that feels like. I remember the two years after my 1st husband left me and also the the two years after my fiance died.

Keep putting one foot in front of another. It's still very soon after your break-up and you can expect to feel most dreadful, still.

This pretty much what has gone down in the four months...


I have been having trouble coping with a break-up since Christmas Eve. My ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she thought I wasn't given her enough attention on this special day. Days later she gave me the whole 'I need space/time speech' and told me that it was up to me to wait for her or not. I reluctantly agreed and I gave it to her. Two months later my birthday was coming up, but we still hadn't reconciled or anything. But I had the fantasy that she would call me before to reconcile and spend my birthday with me. That day came, and I did not hear from her except a birthday card that came in the mail. All she gave me was a 25 dollar gift card for Starbucks. I was devastated because for her birthday i had gotten her a new laptop and she was able to spend it with her family. I had to spend it alone, and that was when I got in desperation mode.

I made all the mistakes of begging pleading through text, emails, letters, and etc. I even got on a 2 hour bus ride to surprise visit her. She was surprised to see me but not mad. We talked that night about out relationship, and she told me that there was too much instability in her life with a new job and a lot of other things to be in a relationship at that point. The next day we were friendly as we usually were as a couple, but she reassured me not to think that things were different. She again said how she couldn't be in a relationship and we parted ways amicably. I told her that if she needed me for anything I would be there for her.

The next week she came to me for help saying that she needed to get away from her work, from her apartment. She asked if she could come over to my apartment at school. I was actually at home, but without hesitation, I went back to her. So she came, and I noticed that she was in a maniac stage and was very nervous and tense. I helped her calm down and took her to bed. She actually let me sleep with her in the same bed. The next day, I completely treated her by cooking her breakfast, and I spoiled her at the mall. I was playing it cool until we started remembering happy memories that we shared. We even looked at pictures of us together that she still had in her phone. She sent me all kinds of mixed messages.
I finally caved in and asked her about getting back together. She told me the same excuse saying that she was in a confused 'fog' right now with everything happening in her life. The next day i caved in again, and she got mad, not at me but at the situation. She said she she couldn't handle the guilt and she got up and left without even saying goodbye. I then sent her a text saying that I was sorry for the weekend. I told her that I was going to try and move on with my life and that I was going to let her go so that she could find herself. But I also told her that I wasn't shuting the door on us completely, that if she ever wanted to resume any kind of relationship that I would be open to it. I promised that i wouldn't communicate with her to respect her wishes. So I left it at that.

The following Friday I received a surprise email that just tore my heart into peaces. She emailed me an IM conversation she was having with another guy that I knew. He was a friend of hers, but she had reassured me that she wasn't attracted to him. She even joked about the way he dressed. Well in the conversation there was a line where he said 'love you, miss you'. The last line tore me up because she told him the same thing. I broke down in front of my dad as he was comforting me. Ever since that day which was almost two weeks ago, I have been in hell. I feel betrayed, lied to, and the worst feeling of rejection I have ever felt.

I have over analyzed the entire period since the break-up and I have been in so much pain. I keep asking myself if what happened on Christmas was her way of ending things so she could go on to the other guy. How long has she been going out with him, if they are even an item because I understand how friends say I love you all the time? Did I push her to him with that text that I sent her after she left all mad? I'm also wondering if she is all confused with everything that is going on in her life. I just can't see what motive she had in sending that awful email because that was not the girl that I fell in love and have loved these last 3 years. I love her unconditionally and I have forgiven her, but it still hurts so much. I'm just so confused myself because why would she come to me for help that weekend if she was already going out with the other guy. Why would she let me sleep with her and why would she send all those mixed signals? I have been tough on myself because I feel like I pushed her away with my pleading and with the text.

I had an awful breakup last September so I feel for you. You just have to let go and move on, it works in baby steps I find! Are you still in contact with her?

you might not have been wearing a mask, but maybe she was wearing a mask?

It sucks when the carpet is pulled from under your feet.

Alright guys so I have an update on my situation. My ex emailed me again, and this time she forwarded me an email that her boss apparently sent her. Like the other email he said that he "loved her and missed her". I felt this sense of unauthenticity as if she had tampered with the email. I even think she might have tampered with the I.M conversation she sent me. As aforementioned, I have no ideas what her motives are in sending me this garbage. Then I realized that she still knows my password to my gmail account.

Lately I've confided in this girl that I have become really good friends and we constantly I.M each other. For those that don't have gmail, the converstions are saved in a 'chat' folder. Honestly, I have not flirted with this girl at all. We did dicuss my relationship and my ex, but NOT once did I talk bad about her. I simply was asking her for advise. I believe that she has been going through my email, and I think she might have gone through my chats.If this is the case , then the only explanation is that she is insecure and jealous. Why on earth is she being like this when she was the one that broke things off? I really don't get her anymore because her actions are contradicting what she has been telling me. I don't even know if she is really going out with this guy anymore.

She sent you all these emails out of the blue......Have you responded asking WTF she's doing?

I am very sorry that this happened to you, so I'll share some information that has helped me in the past.

Break-ups hurt. Break-ups are the most painful thing I've ever experienced in my life. It will hurt for a long time, but every day it will feel a little bit better until one day the pain finally goes away.

The best thing for you to do is distract yourself. Find temporary relief in hobbies, friends, television or anything that overrides the painful thoughts in your head.

Feel so sorry for you, i'm going through a very similar story with my wife, three weeks ago as I tried to talk to her about the issues in our marriage we'd been having for a while she told me she hadn't loved me for years and wanted to separate. I was devastated and still am.

I can see all the things i've done wrong all the mistakes i've made. The obsessive massively over focusing on single things to the detriment of my family. The melt downs when tidying up. Find it all so hard to cope with and it's obvious that now there is nothing I can do to repair the situation.

She was and will always be the love of my life, but instead of adding to your sorrow with another sad story i'll tell you what I have learnt in the weeks since I found my life employing.

i'm sad every 15 mins or so, but slowly this is getting a little better. I have over annalyzed the situation endlessly, I've laid the entire blame at my feet. But slowly i'm realising while I did destroy this relationship at certain levels, my wife also has her issues to deal with, she also played a part in our failure.

Stay strong the day will come when you realise you have learnt from all of this and become a person more able to cope and move on. Your story touched, when you say she made all the moves, she even asked you out, she gave you a gift then. Because next time, and there will be a next time please remember that, you can be the one to make the moves and to do the asking. And that's a gift she gave you. She obviously found you attractive and wanted to be with you. She found she couldn't cope. You will learn to adapt and change your behaviour. I'm 48 and I recognised my condition just 12 months ago. It made me realise a lot I had done wrong in my life, it made me re-evaluate who I was and what the consiquences of my behavour has been,

To be honest I used the realisation as an excuse for the things I did. I thought all those I loved could tolerate me and would tollerate me. I know realise aspergers is a gift, we are not the same as everyone else. We must learn to benafit from our gift and learn to use it in positive ways.

There is some one out there for you, and it will be all you desire. I realise my words will have a lot of hollowness in them as they wont cut through your pain but they may hopefully one day prove to be right.

So many beautiful things were said in this thread, by more than 1 person.

erivera89, I am just in the early stages of a similar situation in many ways. My gf broke up with me. Not quite as much drama as you describe in your situation, but still, many parallells.

Like you, it was the most beautiful and heart-warming and fulfilling things I've ever experienced. ...While it lasted. I can't describe my sadness and loss. And like you, I don't know how happy I can be, any more, without this love in my life.

But I am just trying to put one foot in front of the other, as a few here have said and friends in my own life have advised. I just keep wondering if it can truly get better. Because the love I had, and therefore the loss, is great. x'(