How to talk to NT women

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I thought I would give my insight on how to talk to women. This is a re-occurring problem for aspie males on the forum, and this is something that I've personally learned to change over the years as part of my behavior. By following these 3 very simple rules, you will be further along in being able to build relationships with women.

1. Realize that women are human beings just like men.

2. Take a deep breath.

3. If you really want to succeed with women, than you are going to have to take a genuine interest in them. The key isn't in trying to impress them with your car or things about you. It's more about you helping them get stuff off their chest and being interested in them. Women need to talk about themselves and they need attention.

As posted in another thread I call it the "70/30" rule

Ask 70% questions about her talk 30% about yourself. This is always a good formula.


By following those 3 simple rules. You will have much much more success with building relationships with women than you do now if you don't follow these rules.

Last edited by lost561 on 11 Oct 2013, 9:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Useful stuff, this. I respect the change in direction.

People will want to know what questions to ask, especially without coming off like a job interviewer. What would you recommend?

Some say - ask about work and job. Some say not to, as this is boring and predictable. What do you say to that?

As an NT female interested in an aspie guy, I can say that he first got me on the ground of common interests. We used to talk about our shared interests a lot and those were interesting convs because I knew that he showed genuine interest in this subjects. Later he started to bring up in conversations things I told him about me, my family, friends etc. and it was nice to know that he was listening and remembered what we were talking about. So that's a start I guess.

But if it's a person you don't know at all, I guess first questions would be about what you do in life, what interests you, where do you like to go out/spend your free time...

And ten/twenty minutes later...what then?

Would you be feeling a spark then? I might think this person is okay, but not necessarily more.

Solid advice although rule 3 (while not necessarily wrong) is a gross oversimplification and based on stereotypes (remember, women are individuals.) An ideal date would be whatever both parties are comfortable with and if actual chemistry exists (ie. a spark) such a rule shouldn't be necessary. If you have to resort to a 70/30 rule (or any other formula for that matter) chances are they aren't a good fit.........

I'd add:

4. Be genuine....... If you have to change yourself too much to impress a woman, she's not worth the trouble. The right ones will like you for you, awkwardness and all. If you are fake, you won't even show up on thier radar.

My difficulty is what do I ask? I get very nervous even asking a girl what her name is and then I just have a melt down. Also, where are these women you speak of? I'm just here stuck in the house and there's no one around. Something is definitely missing with me which prevents me understanding somehow. It frustrates and upsets me a lot.

This^^^

5. Don't assume every other guy or lady has experience in dating, and if you know so, don't be an arse and treat them like a child.

6. If a 'Jerk' just swept the lady of your dreams away from you, stop whining and move on.
6b. If you think you were beaten because you were too nice, it doesn't mean you were.
It means you think being nice is the only solution. Leletch made a good point about who they do
work with though.

7. Dress how you want, especially in stuff like hooded bear pelt jackets, or your choice of equal oddity. (not for the date, but just a repeat of be yourself).

8. Brush your teeth, and use good hygiene.

9 Love yourself. Find a way of loving you, unconditionally. Divorce that from your own behaviour. Even if you mess up, you still love yourself. Even if you will be a cheese single to the rest of your days, you will love yourself - so much, that you won't even have to remind yourself to do it.

10. Stop making a big deal out of dating, and women. Why make it more important than having a cup of tea? Every time you talk to a woman, your life is not at stake.

Get a bicycle.

Rule number 3 is a solid rule.

Most of the men on here aren't a good fit for most NT women. Most of the men on here are eccentric or quirky and NT women don't find this attractive.. The majority of the time.

Option 1: 70/30 rule. Keeps your chances much lower from making yourself sound like a weirdo or saying the wrong thing that will turn a woman off.

Option 2: Do whatever you want. Talk about computers, science, animals, or whatever it is that May interest you. But realize that many more women are going to find you weird, and it will take you much longer to find a relationship. However when you do find a relationship, the woman might be more tolerant.

There is no arguing though that in general, NT women need attention. And there's nothing better to talk about than talk about the woman your interested in.

I've never dated an aspie woman, but this thread isn't about aspie women, it's about NT women. Aspire women might be more interested in talking about special interests than talking about themselves.

This forum needs more NT women to chime in. The chances of aspie men finding an aspie woman are slim, and it never hurts to improve your social skills when it comes to something like dating NT women because that will give you many more options in who you can date if you can learn how to modify your behavior.

You could be on to something with the cup of tea. It's like when I go to a job interview I don't call it a job interview anymore, I call it a chat. Interview is just too scary and adds too much pressure. Women could be the same. It's just a chat with a woman.

But the fact remains about not knowing any girls. At school it would be easy, girls everywhere, if anyone is still in this situation, use it. University is different, you just end up in your room as an Aspie. Once I got asked to go out with some people on day 1. I said no on day 1 and that was it, for 3 years. And work is just, well if you work in a small workplace with 4 guys then you have no hope and that's where I am now. As someone else said, you have to start going to some things like volunteering, or other activities.

If you want to meet women you need to:

1. Get out & be active. Got to yoga class, go to spin class, go to the gym, the grocery store. Places where you are engaging in activities are better like yoga.

2.NEED a job and a car that you drive unless you live in the city & are within walking distance to everything and take public transportation.

You posed a question " what do I ask?"

That depends on what the woman talks about.

If she opens up to you for example she sais " I'm from Venezuela"

you might respond with a few questions like

"when did you move here?"

"Do you miss it in Venezuela?"

" Do you still have any family there? (In Venezuela)"

DON'T ask questions like

"How was the public transportation in Venezuela?"

"Where in Venezuela were you from?"

" were the beaches nice there?"

Do you see the difference in the 2 sets of questions I just asked her? The first set is much more intuitive and shows that I care, where the 2nd aren't about her, they are about Venezuela.

Job interviews - awesome! I love them. I know that everyone else will be as nervous as hell, so I know by being relaxed and calmly cheerful I'll have an instant advantage. I also view them as the company's opportunity to show me if the job is good enough for me.

That attitude itself changes the whole dynamic of the interview. All of a sudden, I become the sort of person that they want to hire, and I stand out like a pink tiger.

Now, can't men apply this to their dating lives - oh no, but what if the woman doesn't like it? What if she leeeeaves me?

So (and this sounds a bit nutty):

11 Always be prepared to allow the woman to walk away. This will free you up no end. And you'll probably be different than any other man she's ever met. You're not that needy, you'll not compromise on your own importance (but that won't make you an a$$). Your value will go up.

Besides, she's free to choose. As are you.

Like that new pic of yours, by the way, Cloud looking for Aeris...

Yes that is my focus entirely. Like with the job interview situation, I am totally indifferent to the possibility that it won't go well or that they won't hire me. That's why it's great to apply this to dating.



Is that what he's doing? I thought he was just standing in the Forbidden Forest lol.