What is the right rate of communication (roc) for dating

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Guys and gals here's something I'm really, really struggling with, for which I could use your advice:

One of the major difficulties I've had in difficulty is how frequently to communicate with the other person, and as importantly, just what is implied by the Rate of Communication (RoC).

RoC as we all know is a veritable dating minefield. Too little communication implies a lack of interest..to much implies over-eagerness. The right RoC for a budding relationship is crucial, and something I've had a lot of trouble achieving.

In my case, I've had some pretty painful experiences where I wasn't proactive enough, and I lost the girl as a result. I struggle with this anxiety, this terrible fear that has an element of truth, that I'm competing with other guys to win the affection of the woman. So every time I go on a date with someone who really catches my fancy, I go into panic mode, like, "Oh shoot, if I don't act now, someone else is going to beat me to the punch, because terrific women like [insert name] don't stay single for long!"

And so I start to fret about communication. In the past i've bungled things by being too forthright, texting every day, even if we've only had the first date. It's well meaning, I don't want her to think I'm disinterested or playing games by trying to be hard to get. I just don't want to sit idle only to hear those dreaded words yet again, that "I've found someone else."

Right now I'm again in that situation. I had an amazing date with a woman, and I so, so, so want to make this one work, and FINALLY have my very first girlfriend! I want to do this right and be perfect and not blow it by being too proactive, or not proactive enough.

So how often should I communicate? And how? In this current case, I have her phone number and have been texting. I called once, but missed her; she later acknowledged the call with text, that she was sorry she'd missed me.

How can I do this right so I can play the proper part of a nice, well adjusted person who is worthy of her?

Tell her that you'll occasionally need 'down time' (the frequency/periodicity of which is up to you, of course, I've no idea myself). This has the benefit of being true.

Isn't that a bit TMI for the post-first date though? I don't want to screw the pooch after the first date by already hinting that something might be wrong with me, or have her thinking, "What's wrong with him that he needs down time."

I think there'll be plenty of chances down the road to be more expressive about these things; in the short term I'm trying to figure out how to present my very best face, to be utterly perfect as I come across her, so I can prove I'm worthy of her.

Some things are better just explained on day one. What you gonna do? Let her find out for herself, with all the misery and doubt that will create in her?

At some point, she should be the one to call you. As well as you may properly space out calls and texts to not seem desperate but continue to show interest, sooner or later you have to take the leap of faith to simply wait until she contacts you of her own volition. I can't give you a mathematical answer as to when to do this, but I'd say if you've known her for a week and she hasn't done this yet, I'd consider waiting until she does.

But that's just it...I don't think a woman has EVER called me. I've always called her. I figured she was playing hard to get, or just was playing the stereotypical role, which left the onus up to me to be proactive.

I mean, I just know I can earn someone's love if I try hard enough and put on my best face.

Sooner or later, you HAVE to let her initiate a part of the relationship. Otherwise, you will always have some kind of anxiety over whether she really likes you or not. Keeping her so busy that she doesn't have time to notice other men is not a viable strategy. She has to like you for you, and want you over someone else. And you have to believe that she will, or it won't work.

Ladyfolk of WP, this is what happens when men start to treat you as convenient accessories: You become problems to be 'dealt with' or 'worked around'.

I beg to differ, CharityFunDay: There is nothing convenient about a woman.

Seriously, though, everything here comes down to self-esteem: Every relationship in which one party feels him or herself to be the inferior of the two, ESPECIALLY if it's the man, is doomed to failure. When you think every girl you meet is your last chance of not dying alone, you make terrible decisions based on fear and not on affection. I've been down this road and have made a lot of mistakes because I felt that way.

This^^^


No, their won't.

Because rather than trying to be yourself you go into the dates trying to be some misguided ideal that you think the girl wants (as if you have any idea what that is.) You're being a giant phony.

The girls that like you won't like you for yourself (just the person you're pretending to be) and will dump you as soon as they realize how you decieved them.
The girls that normally would like you for yourself won't notice because they've only ever met the fake.

Text her maybe a couple more times after waiting like 2-3 days between each conversation, and then wait for her to initiate it after that.

Christ on a bike, there's some grim old thought-processes at work on this thread, and no mistake.

Yeah, non reciprocity in communication is a sure indication that she's not genuinely interested.

No. That seems like he's losing interest. I'm not a pro at theses things either but I'd be pleased if I get a short text once a day or every other day if I like the guy. Just don't text multiple times a day.
But don't play games and wait for her to initiate contact unless you're confident that she's really into you.

Isn't that assumption a game by itself? If you really care about the guy, you would text him from time to time instead of being exclusively guy-to-girl all the time.

Yes I would. But that's just me. I don't know about other women though.(especially the ones that follow "the rules")
And I was commenting on what the op should do in his specific situation.
He can't afford to see if she'll initiate if he stopped contacting her yet. They only had one date. Women need to know for sure that a guy is into her after the first date.
So I think the best way is to keep contacting her steadily but not too much (=once a day or every other day, although this is just my preference also) until the next date is set up. If she likes him, she'll respond favorably. If not she'll fade out.
Oh and keep your texts short and casual.