Am I worrying too much?

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Hi!

I have been head over heels with a guy who has Asperger's for five years. We met in high school and were first loves. We had been "off and on" for several years, only breaking "off" when family got in the way (very long complicated situation).
Anyways, we had recently gotten back together without the knowledge of our families. I am 19 1/2, moved out of my mother's and into an Adult Foster Care. He will be 21 in December.

He claims whenever we get back in touch that he really does love me, and shows it as well. He seems to love to show it in loving, sexual gestures, which he does more of since he claims it's hard to express himself in other ways. The only thing is, I'm worried that sex is becoming an obsession.

Now, this is not to say that I am not overreacting or over-analyzing, as I know that I tend to do that. Yesterday, during our "intimate period" he had asked several times for a certain sexual favor after I said I wasn't comfortable, then I gave in. I asked him if he was pressuring me and he responded with, "I'm not trying to." When I was about to do it, he said "Baby you don't have to if you aren't comfortable." And I knew he meant it. But he has a high sex drive so it turned into "But please...?"

I was worrying that it meant that he didn't love me if he was pressuring me, but then I look at all he's done to make me happy, how loving he is, how much he truly cares and worries about me a lot, usually is the first to say "I love you." out of the blue, loves holding me, loves cuddling me, wants to spoil me, etc. He also did the same sexual favor for me in return. So yeah, I don't know if I should be worried about the obsession with sex, because he does use it to show how much he cares about me and really loves to focus on pleasuring me.

I ended up asking if he was going to leave me after sex and his reaction was that of a "Oh GOD no!" type of tone. However, my anxiety and insecurities take over me at times, along with my abandonment issues from previous traumas.....and I don't know.

I love him so much and don't want to get hurt again. I'm worried he will act distant.

I know it may seem ridiculous that I am asking this but really I am just worried about getting hurt. I appreciate any input or advice! Thanks!

Don't do things you don't want to do because you feel like you owe something to someone.

Yeah, true....I wanted to please him, I don't think he was making me do it because of all he's done for me. It's more like he had a strong sexual urge and kept begging.

That is a hard situation. But if this is the kind of relationship that can last you will have to find a way to resolve differences/conflicts as equals.

I would bring it up next time you can talk objectively about it (not during intimacy). I can't say what the outcome might be except it should be something both can be satisfied with. Sometimes being satisfied with something isn't necessarily getting your way, but gaining more understanding. But the steamroller approach should never come out. Force is not used in a good functioning relationship.

This particular subject has its own nature, and like you say taps in hormones and strong urges on one side and strong emotions and possible unexpected reactions on the other. Its important not to consider each others views or desires as strange or bad (assuming there is nothing really strange or bad like wanting to dress as SpongeBob or something... ). In general its good to view it (I think) as more of a physical recreation that couples do and for fun and pleasure, and even humor can occasionally make a appearance. Its also good I think to keep an open mind and try to slowly develop new things to help keep it interesting and avoid repetitiveness.

That said, there are some things that a person might want to change but just can't for some reason. So if this is something you know you will not be able to get used to, its best to say so up front. Then its up to your partner to decide whether it is the type of thing they can accept.

Okay, I brought it up with him, he said he won't let the relationship turn purely sexual. I asked him what he wanted and he said he wanted a relationship where we could be there for each other through good and bad. The obsession with sex thing had just worried me, but I'm starting to think that it's because he has a hard time socializing otherwise and also has a high sex drive.

For instance, a lot of the times we are together, he wants to "make love". He calls sex "loving each other", and has told me that I'm the only one he has ever wanted to lose his virginity to; he even said that I'm "the One" on several occasions. He treats me like a queen also, asks me to guide him during sex, that we can do anything I want. He calls me his goddess, "Mrs. T_____" (his last name) a lot, and has even made references about the future and me being in it. Said "I love you" at random times even when we aren't intimate. Always worries about me too, like if I go out for a walk late at night he tells me to call him when I get there and when I leave. He tells me he really worries about me since it's dark out and wants me to stay safe. If I wanna hang out and have fun together, he will.......but he will want sex soon after. Not that it's a problem; it's just I wanna know if this sounds like he's just after the sex or if he is really in love. As far as I know, he is very reluctant to have sex with anyone else; he's only been this hyper-sexual with me.

I imagine its hard to tell until he either sticks with you or leaves you.
only thing I have to compare to is me and my views but doesn't mean he shares them.

I could see myself doing some of the things he has. I view sex as an emotional/love/bonding thing. the closeness of being physically joined as one . I too suffer from a high sex drive and its awful.

I honestly don't know what I would do if there was a sexual thing I wanted to try and my lady didn't on one hand I wouldn't ever push or pressure anyone to do anything but there theres that I want it and I get stuck on things sometimes. sounds tricky. I dont' even know when we are stuck on things sometimes. I think other aspies have this problem too.

Toy_Soldier
dress up is considered strange/bad?

This really gives me insight, sly279. Thank you!



Yeah, I suspected this as well. Just wanted to be sure. I'm guessing that is what is happening with my guy too. Anyways, thank you once again!

welcome I guess. I hope it works out for the best. everyone should be loved and such.

out of curiosity I'm guessing the act was oral? since he did it back. only act I can think of. seems to be something that society expects both sexes to do, and not doing it is a bad sign supposely or at least what I've read on yahoo and other forums. some people love doing it others hate it and others think they dislike it but then start to . shouldn't ever do something that makes you super uncomfortable though

also for me I'm quite slow moving with sex and very patient as long as it will eventually happen. I think if you love someone its worth waiting for them to feel comfortable as long as its not too long

If you mean as in dress up roleplaying for sex, it is very subjective. The majority of people do not, and would consider it in a wide variety of ways depending on the person, varying from indifference, curiousity, attractive, amusement, strange, etc.

If someone said they dressed up as SpongeBob Square Pants as a joke, I would think it funny. If they did it for some psychological reason, yes, I would think it quite strange.

Hmmmm...you said in another post that you have PTSD. If you have it for reasons similar to why I have it, then this is ultimately going to lead to extreme anxiety for you. You should be honest with him about all of your feelings and why you have them. I think it's sweet that he loves you so much, but not everyone sees sex as love at all times. So you should really make sure that you are only doing what you are comfortable doing. Of course relationships are give and take, but not at the expense of your mental well being.

Yes, it was oral. And I think it's just something to get used to. And if I got too uncomfortable I wouldn't go through with an act by any means.

but theres ton of roleplay shops/items.

what about kitten/pet play?

I fantasize about giving oral, but it wasn't always so and I am still worried I won't like it. hope it is something you will come to enjoy or if not that your mate will be ok not doing. getting oral is something I kinda want to try but am also super afraid of. I suppos I am luckin in that regards as I won't ever have sex so I shouldn't have to have anxity over these things. yet i do.

seems you two might be best to take it slow, slowly increasing the level of sex as you grow closer. tons of things fall under foreplay including oral. foreplay would seem to be the best part to me.

have you two talked more about it since you posted this?

I know I will enjoy oral eventually. And don't worry, if you're anxious, take it slow! I have the same issues. Him and I took it slow throughout our many times of being together, and now finally we are at the time where we want to do it. The only thing is, yeah I know I'm ready, it's just some things scare me when it comes to sex but he is usually very very understanding and patient. He seems to be in it more for my pleasure (his too, but he really is dedicated to pleasuring me.

But yeah we have gradually increased foreplay throughout the years. I guess I am just getting used to it again. And honestly, he's the only one I have gotten this "far" with, he's the only one I feel comfortable with like that. It's usually anxiety that holds me back from things like that.

As for talking? Well, not too much. I'm going to talk more with him, but right now he seems stressed. I'm more concerned about how he is doing. He isn't as flirty as before. Though he still does tell me he loves me and is very kind to me, I think he is just stressed. So I'm kind of trying to interpret the right time to bring that up. Though I have talked some with him and he was understanding.

I thought the very same thing, I am diagnosed with Complex PTSD with Desnos. The fact that he has pressured her insistently with sex in any way is absolutely not okay, it borders rape when "no" isn't respected. A man should always respect the first no and leave it alone after that. Even if they are madly in love there must be respect for boundaries.

My husband has a very large sex drive but he has never never pressured me because he respects me, but if he did it most likely would end our marriage.

http://criminal-law.freeadvice.com/crim ... s_rape.htm