Getting over the past

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6~5 months ago someone I really cared about broke my heart; I'm still having a hard time getting over it. I don't think we'll ever reconcile, so I really need to put things behind me and keep them there. Any advice?

When I mourn relationships, it helps me to write about it. I use it as a learning experience. I look for mistakes I made and I write down ways I harmed the other person so I can make amends when the opportunity presents itself. I also write about things the other person did to me and vent to safe people. I do this to get to a point of forgiveness. Bitter feelings tie me to old relationships so I need to forgive the people who hurt me.

Doing these things helps me get a sense of closure. Ultimately though, time is the biggest healer for me. The pain gets less intense over time. New events happen. New relationships form. And I forget. Being a few months out, I imagine the pain is still strong at times. Hang in there. It gets better.

I have a hard time letting go of a hurtful experience. I have been told in the past that i am not forgiving and if i could only "let go" i would get over it...but i have no desire for revenge and no wish for anything bad to happen to the people who hurt me. So i think it is not so much a lack of forgiveness as my aspie brain getting stuck like a broken record. I get very stuck on my special interests and topics that hold fascination for me. Why should pain be any different? It isn't.

I would say understand how your brain works and make allowances for that. If you are desirous of revenge, that is not a good place to be. But know that you may have a harder time "letting go" than most people. I would also agree with em.tsuj that time is the great healer. In time, even the brokenest record stops going round and round. my mind included.

It is ok to be sad--i don't always remember this when i am hurting. I try to push it down and keep going. Sometimes i also need to allow myself to grieve. Those with aspergers grieve differently than NTs; it may help to educate yourself about that. I think there are some threads on this forum on autism and grief.

Sigh..I should remind myself that it would take longer..

One of the most important things is to be patient with your self as it can take a while. Just know that you will heal and that you will be able to move on. The five stages of grief helped me a lot as it allowed me to let the pain flow naturally in the course that leads to acceptance. Do not dwell on it, but do not try to cut it out, just let it run it's course as this is important to do to help in moving on. On occasion do emotional checks where you listen to how you are feeling and allow the feelings to do their job and not obsess, but let it go.

Seconded. I'm going through those stages right now trying to get over someone. I'm also channeling my heartbreak by listening to music and videos that relate to those emotions.

I had forgotten about this, but it is an excellent tip. I have a hard time crying at things that make me truly sad (i cry at stuff that no one else cries at) and for some reason, really sad or nostalgic country music trips my trigger when I need to cry. So I will put on some of those songs if i cannot cry but know i need to do it. (Your trigger music may be different; this is just what works for me.) Tears are a great healer too; i think it helps a lot to find a safe place to cry. I can't do it around others, i need to be alone.

I lost "the one" I loved long ago, almost a decade ago now, I've come to terms with it, but the pain of their loss never really goes away. The absence has left a great void that no one has been able to fill, I've literally had hundreds of relationships, and though I loved each and every one of them, none could ever replace "the one" to whom my love was promised eternally.

My advice to you? Hmm... Time. Time heals all wounds, even those of the heart. Give your separation time, and try to move on with your life by living it. I can't promise that you'll forget, or that it will hurt a little less, but you might find something else out there in that great big would that will fill the hole in your heart. You'll never know until you start your journey forward.

The only solution is to move on and never look back. With time you'll get over this person. In the future you will probably look back at this situation and laugh, which is a good thing. You will wonder what you saw in this person and realize you could probably do better in terms of finding someone more suitable for you.

I'm curious, dobyfm, what moments of extreme loss, heartache, and suffering, make you want to recall them with thoughts of laughter?

I don't think it is the pain that is so hard to get over. It's the infatuation and the strong feelings involved.



I'll disagree with that too. If the other person is truly horrible, then a good way to speed up the process is to acknowledge that and regard him/her for the jerk they are. Real revenge might not be so good, but revenge in your brain is.



I don't grieve. Not for dead one's and not for exes either.

Never happened to me. I still view most of my strong crushes as wonderful people, and I certainly don't laugh about it. They are still part of my best memories, and probably will be forever. The only exception is a girl I met through a contact-ad. She got the "I hate you" treatment, and thus, I no longer have positive feelings about her.

Well, then rdos, i guess most of what i said doesn't apply to you. Take it for what it's worth; if it isn't helpful, disregard. From what OP posted, i gathered it was a painful experience. That is the framework i looked from when offering input.

I would clarify 2 things you disagreed with; whether it be pain or infatuation, i can identify with the "broken record" feeling as i have been there with both feelings of pain and infatuation. I simply meant to be kind to yourself and not expect too much; aspies seem to take longer for the record to stop playing the same thing.

And on revenge--i was referring to plotting actual actions of revenge or wishing that something bad would happen to the person. IMO, that is not a good place to be. I too find that acknowledging that someone is truly a jerk is helpful. But i don't look at that as being vengeful; rather, i think that is just looking at things as they truly are. If someone is a jerk, it doesn't help to overlook that and pretend they are not. Those are the people i cut out of my life. Not in a mean way, just walk away.

I do grieve, but differently than most of my family/friends. i found it helpful to learn about the differences and make allowances for them. As always, if what i say is useful, use it; if it is not, disregard. No hard feelings.

Sure. I just like to offer alternatives. If the OP thinks what you wrote was most useful, by all means, go by that advice.



It can be both. A strong, unreciprocated infatuation does cause pain. The question is what is the most relevant of those to focus on.



Sure, me too. I usually claim that obsessing about a girl (or guy) is the most obsessive interest there is, so it is no wonder if they look the same.



I'd disregard that. I don't think it is helpful to learn how grief works for NTs, and then trying to copy, if that is what you meant.

Grieving over a lost or rejected love is different from grieving over a death. When someone dies, after they're buried or cremated, they eventually become "out of sight, out of mind" for the most part.

Seeing the love of your life date and marry someone else is a bit harder to avoid. There's competition involved in romance. It's like seeing your favorite team/ athlete lose a championship and the winner hoisting the trophy, when you wish it was you or your team up there celebrating. (Although a counselor I talked to said marriage isn't a prize. How can that be?)

Volunteer someplace. I find that doing something to make the world a slightly better makes me feel better - and puts the heartbreak into perspective.

Get a dog -- it'll get you out of the house 5x daily and introduce you to new people.