Moving at her pace?

Post Reply New Topic

My girlfriend wants to take things really, really slowly. I'm okay with that for the most part, but after four dates without her letting me make even the slightest physical contact, I'm afraid that if she has her way, things may not be moving at all, you know? She's shy and timid, and I feel like she's afraid of opening up to me. I'm not expecting her to jump in bed with me or anything like that, but holding hands? Hugging? Is that really too much to ask? Anyway, all the advice I've gotten says to move at her pace. What if I decide that's not fast enough for me, though? Is it okay for me to try to speed things up? Or is what she wants the be all, end all of the relationship? If I were to try to speed things up, how could I go about that without scaring her away?

Ask her to google "the human average life expectancy".

She might realize something.

Four dates are nothing though.

How much time did you spend looking for someone like her?

Several years. But, frankly, if it's going to take years before she's ready to move out of the "friends who say they're dating but are really are just friends" stage, I don't know if I'll be able to wait that long.

I dunno four dates isn't much. Did you say she was aspie? Personally with most guys I was always not keen on touching or PDA till I knew them for a long time. If it's her first relationship just give her time to ease into it or maybe make a small effort to hold her hand and not push it further. You might be able to get her used to one form of tine contact and progress from there.

Also if you have concerns just be open with her and encorage her that she can be open with you. It might turn put that she isn't thinking what you would expect

From your other posts I can see you're not keen on ending it or giving up just yet , so:

She's autistic too as I recall, in which case it might take her a long time to open up to physical contact with you. She also might never get there, if she really doesn't enjoy it or see the point in it (though if the latter, she might go along with it for your sake).

e.g.: Personally I don't get anything from hand-holding, I really don't understand what it's for. Even if I got over my aversion to being touched, it would take an effort on my part to try and provide that contact for another person's fulfilment. Would you even feel fulfilled if the the other party wasn't into it? Maybe I would try, if I really liked the other person, but it would take time and patience.

You both have rights to be happy in your relationship, however if you truly have different needs and expectations in the long term then you'll either have to compromise or go your separate ways. I think it would be helpful (if awkward!) to have a proper talk with your girlfriend about this. I've been in situations where I wanted to tell the other party "I'm asexual", but I missed my chance or I didn't know how. I would really have appreciated a frank but caring discussion, and I suspect your girlfriend would too.

You can give her a hint: "Darling, I think you and me are live proofs of the time dilation theory - we would make Einstein proud".

Exactly.

She hasn't even given him the privilege of at least hearing her say "I had a fun night with you tonight, I'd love to spend time with you again soon".

She doesn't have to passionately shout from the rooftops or smother him with kisses, but she has to give him some evidence this is more than just a friendship eventually.

I was going to post and say I'm moving at someone else' pace right now too.. but at least there is a pace in my case.

In your situation it doesn't sound like you're both on the same page in terms of cultivating an intimate relationship.

If I were you, I'd hold her hand, or hug her, or place your arm around her, or maybe even give her a kiss on the cheek - that sort of thing.. and if she reacts negatively to it, well, there's your answer. If after a frank discussion you determine she's not ready for the type of relationship you are: Peace out and move on.

_________________
No for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.

^^^ agreed. It's not necessarily the case for OP's girlfriend, but it is a possibility.

I neglect to text people I care about (friends, family, romantic interests); I have an 'out of sight, out of mind' approach to socialisation that I find hard to fix. I know this seems like I don't care; some people get used to it, others get annoyed (fair enough).

I really think OP should talk to her about their relationship face to face. It might be difficult and awkward but if she really doesn't know how to connect (but wants to), then asking her directly is the only way you'll ever find out.