Should I stay or should I go?

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I love my AS boyfriend to bits but he is also a pain in the butt sometimes.

I've never actually told him I love him. I really wanted to for a bit but his attitude of 'this relationship is never going to last long term because I can't make you happy' put me off.

Its true that I feel unfulfilled but I only want small things to change. EG:
-talking on the phone every other day. I'd like HIM to call me first sometimes
-Being invited out with his friends so I can meet them too.
-Planning some time away together.
-I'd like him to call me his girlfriend and actually acknowledge the fact that we have a (unconventional) relationship.

Generally: he does not call, does not make plans to see me, I feel I am a low-priority on his long list of things to do. He talks as if our relationship is already a foregone conclusion. These things make me wonder if he really wants to be with me.

Even though I love him and want to be with him, its hard not to be defensive and ambivalent about someone when they're treating the relationship with that attitude. We have an open arrangement and although I've dated two others and slept with a friend once time- it just reminded me of why I like him best of all.

He's said in the past 'he doesn't want a relationship' which is total BS because we have one- a relationship can be whatever the f**k two people want. I still don't understand wtf he really means exactly by this. (He said "I don't want to meet your parents and stuff.")
Sometimes I think maybe he just means he doesn't like me enough to be with me.

I don't believe that he doesn't care at all, he does plenty of things that make me feel cared for but I just keep wondering if he likes me ENOUGH.

I have my part to play, I'm passive-aggressive because I'm bad at dealing with confrontation. I let things boil up and do not address them properly. I'm pretty sure I have AS as well but never diagnosed.

A few weeks ago I discovered he was still using online dating sites, despite the fact we've been seeing each other for 6 months now. I'm not convinced by monogamy anyway but I asked him to change his status to 'in an open relationship' and weeks later he has not, yet he is still using these sites. >:(
I found this out today and I'm very upset and angry.

I've threatened to end the relationship in the past because things got so bad I just couldn't cope. Then he sat up and made an effort.... for a bit. Things have got a bit better... or at least, I re-adjusted my expectations and got better at dealing with the problems.

I have _so_ many other problems in my life right this moment.
I can't be arsed to argue with someone about the status of our relationship, while trying to deal with potential homeless-ness.

But it's hard to leave someone when you love them.

I can see bit of myself in this, and how I used to be in previous relationships. I could never pull off an open relationship, but I won't make any judgements about it. But I want to know, was it your suggestion or his to make it open?

I brought it up first, if I remember rightly. It was deffo on my agenda when we started going out six months ago.

We dated previously: and discussed having an open relationship and he wanted to keep it more exclusive. I found that a bit oppressive but tolerated it because I liked him a lot. He said he wasn't against the idea but wasn't up for it at that time. Then external factors messed up the relationship and we went our separate ways for a bit.

In the time between breaking up and now I had another two other open relationships...one was amazing and the other was mediocre.... its not that I spend lots of time chasing down other guys. But for me its nice to have the option of the occasional one-night-stand to stop sex getting too samey. Monogam-ish is a better term than open.

But maybe we're not 'solid' enough yet to deal with the trials of being in an open relationship.

I see, that was what I thought. I can only give you my perspective, whether it is useful or not will be up to you.

I have been in a situation very similar to your boyfriend, and had very much the same kind of behaviour and reaction as he has currently, but if it is for the same reasons I can't know. AS guys in general take less initiative.

Anyways, in one of my previous relationships I agreed to an open relationship, on her suggestion. I wasn't really comfortable with it, but agreed anyway, because I wanted her to be happy and try to be "open minded". In reality, the moment that happened was the moment the relationship ended. I just didn't want put any effort into a girl that wasn't satisfied with being exclusive with me. It went on longer than it should have, because at very least we had great sex, but I didn't text her or call her much, as I knew in my heart the relationship would end sooner or later.

That may or may not be what your boyfriend is thinking. He is not ending it because atleast he is getting sex from you, but deep down he just can't be satisfied with it or take it seriously. Sorry for being so straight forward.

If he truly is comfortable with open relationships, he is probably just not that into you.

In any case, your best bet in my opinion is probably to walk away.

Also, to be honest, you are kidding yourself if you think having sex with other people has anything to do with monogamy.

Sorry to hear about your experience.

I can't really just walk away I do really love the guy.

I'd rather open up the floor to discussions first.

Its true that he might just be not that into me.

Sorry you lost me here....

I truly believe that open relationships can work for some people, I really do. But let's call it what it is, having one night stands is not monogamy'ish.

I think you should. It is obvious neither of you are satisfied currently.
Anyways, I hope it works out for you one way or the other.

I dunno, all I can assume is maybe he's not as cool with the idea of an open relationship as you are or at least doesn't value it the same way as you do. Maybe he's just not that into you, I dunno it's hard to say. Should you stay or should you go? That's your decision and being in an open relationship I guess gives you options to find what you need somewhere else.

girl, it really seems like he is not happy with the open arrangement.

i think this is what you need to have a conversation with him about the most.
when you say that you've been with other people but it only reaffirms your love for him i get that, but he probably doesn't. he may feel like it's just a matter of time before you find someone you love better than him, especially if he is new to relationships or has low self esteem.

Its true that it opens up my options to get some of the things I need but might be missing...

...I'd pick him over an open relationship any day.

So basically if I'm missing him I'm missing a lot.

(Friends are better than casual sex anyway.)

Last edited by Copelandia on 08 May 2017, 2:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.

But I want to be with him!!

I should just tell him that.

And that I love him.

I'm still not happy with lack of calling etc. Its a negative feedback cycle... we're giving each other bad vibes.

I'd be so gutted if we split up again, I missed him the entire time. My other two boyfriends were jealous of him even though they'd never met him. They both said after we split up that they could just tell that I was still into him from the tone of my voice.

you should be clear about your feelings for him, that is for sure.
it's possible these other problems are being exacerbated by the lack of clarity.

also, it could be worth it to ask yourself if you would be willing to compromise with him; lets say, if he needs the structure of a closed relationship to feel safe enough to love you, would you be okay with trying that?

You definitely need to have a serious talk about the nature & future of your relationship, do you value your relationship with this guy more than you do being in an open relationship? Sometimes people can't have it all so what is most important to you?

Not to cast judgement but I don't think I could be okay being in an open relationship, to someone on the spectrum and inexperienced it wouldn't feel all that open to me. Could you possibly help him take advantage of the open aspect of the relationship? Maybe it could work then, it's not going to work unless it works for both of you.

Extra bit of advice if the root problem really is the open arrangement:

Depending on how you've discussed the open relationship thing with him in the past, I think your main challenge is actually convincing him that you're suddenly okay with a closed one, which I myself am quite skeptical about judging from your posts here. And I predict he is going to be skeptical too.

You should emphasize the point that he is enough for you, and that he can trust you and feel safe, and hopefully have your intentions in line with that aswell.

I think an open relationship is generally going to be a losing game for a guy on the spectrum. I only see it working for extroverted NT guys.