Married to suspected Aspie: at a crossroads

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I am married (14 years, 2 kids) to someone that my neighbor, whose daughter is an autism expert, said has aspergers. My husband is brilliant. An analytical mind that sees the big picture; can create a plan and execute it. Not an especially social person, but definitely is with the people who speak that analytical, statistical language. We met in grad school. I'm an intelligent person, but not the conceptual thinker he is. I started googling and the light bulb turned on.

We are at a crossroads in our marriage. Brass tacks: i have m.s. and it has recently taken a turn for the worse. He doesn't understand any of how I might be feeling about this at all. Recently he told me he wanted to separate. We had a "we're at a crossroads" conversation A seemingly intimate conversation turned south: he short-circuited, shouted at me and stormed out when I started to cry, blubber and drool about how hard the m.s. was and how I believed I would get better but it was going to take work. He came back in 1/2 hour and we were fine again. Didn't return to that part of the conversation, but recognized our love for each other. He signed a lease on a place, no more than 5 miles away. Closer to here than work. But, I don't think either of us are in a particular rush to "separate," but both agree that it will be good for us. The lease has started but he hasn't moved one thing.

I don't think talk of separating is an inevitable march to divorce. I think it's "Living Apart, Together." And frankly, I like that concept. When he gets into something, he goes compulsively deep. He said he's going to take a lot of things he's collected: horror movie posters, airplanes, socks, with him (and I was relieved.)

So questions-- based on what I said, does aspie seem on the mark? Can anyone relate to the idea of having separate residences but still loving someone and maintaining a relationship? And, lastly, I am intelligent as well, just not conceptual like him. We met in grad school (business), but I am very emotionally intelligent and intuitive about people. So I ask-- how did this happen? How is it that an area that I am so strong in is an area in which I have a spouse that is deficient? He was (and is) magnetic to me.

Everyone is deficient in some area of function, whatever their neurological status; it seems to me that the issue is whether you still love him and whether he still loves you. I realise this situation is frightening to you; becoming unmarried after 14 years - or the prospect of becoming so - is scary. I can understand your focus on Aspergers now, and he may or may not be on the spectrum. (There are lots of myths about it, which unfortunately some 'experts' believe, so I am glad you came here). Focusing on whether he is neurologically different from you (we are all neurologically different in our own ways) is understandable, given the neighbour's speculation, but it won't help you make good decisions about your future or the options about the future.

Marriages are a bit like plants. To grow well, they need certain conditions - mutual respect, mutual trust, mutual goals, mutual appreciation and mutual acceptance. The presence or absence of those things is - to my mind - a better indicator or whether to accept change or accept the status quo.

The thought of a different kind of lifestyle may be very frightening as a possibility to you, especially given your illness, though a marriage that has lost the original bond between partners is no easy road either, it can be the loneliest of existences, and right now what you might need most is independent help to sort out your own deeper feelings - and not help from neighbours, but someone skilled and totally independent.

I think he is an aspie, and speaking as an aspie man, please try to be patient with him.

He may not know what is best for him. Right now he might have drifted from what you feel is closeness to you but there might be a valid reason in his aspergers mind.

He probably dosn't understand the m.s., how it has cnhaged things, Aspies are really scared when stuff changes.

The chances are you would both feel worse separated, you've had a long and successful marriage, it's got to be worth fighting for.


Maybe there is some way you can educate him. He might need something explained in pictures, or in a film, to make more sense of the situation.

I hope everything will be alright for you. And that love really does conquer all.

OP, this website may be helpful to you at this stage. It offers some very balanced observations, and possibly in the future you could use this with your husband to discuss your differences (when the time is right).

http://www.kennethrobersonphd.com/refle ... aspergers/

Did he state clearly what his reasons for wanting to separate are? Is it only to do with MS or are there multiple issues that you are both contending with?

I am not good at handling change either, it overwhelms me and takes all of my focus and energy. Any relationship issues are then amplified. He needs space and alone time in order to process his emotions, Aspie or not. So I would not try to stop him if he makes an exit

It sounds like you need your husband to stick around though, so I am really sorry that you are dealing with this during what is obviously a very difficult time in your life.

It's definitely realistic to think that if you separate, your relationship can be rebuilt once the immediate issues that are causing distress have a resolution of sorts, since space and time can heal things. But I would also be wary that separation can weaken the bond between a couple, so you ideally want to try something like marriage counselling during this time, maybe with the view that he could return once his lease is up. Then again, it sounds like you are a little relieved for the space as well. Is the relationship causing you both a lot of stress in general?

As for how you ended up married to an Aspie guy (if he is indeed one), maybe don't view us as quite so alien People with Asperger's are just as passionate and capable as anyone else, we just have a different profile of strengths and weaknesses. His strengths inspire you at times, I imagine. And I'm sure your strengths make up for his weaknesses. Relationships aren't about being the same. Compatibility means fitting well together, growing together

Thank you for posting this. Do you have any more resources like this?

I was going to write a descriptive post here, but I just don't have time, I have to head to clinicals for physical therapy. If you're interested in what I have to say, please message me and I'll communicate tonight when I get home. I'm a 40 year old with a 9 year old son who lost his wife 6 years ago to M.S. I worked for Amazon and was in charge of their outsourced customer service for awhile. I think very much like your husband, so basically I can give some extremely honest insight that will some ideas of what to do going forward.

Well he says we drifted apart and I think it started this summer. I've never had a great relationship with his mother and this summer, she had talked badly about me to my 13 yo. I had been at her house and left after trying unsuccessfully to talk with her about it (long story, but let's say I decided to go when I found out, everything still nice, but I was crying as I hobbled to my BR, she followed but then ducked and dodged when I said "I heard what you said to DD"...but then I was so empathetic with her bc all she did was talk about loss of her DH, Father and Uncle all the same year. So, she's wounded and wandering and I met her where she could be met. Husband never defended me though his sisters did (crosses a line to talk about a child to the mother), he said he "didn't care who was right and who was wrong but just wanted it to end." I think this started our "drift apart."

When we had our talk the other night he said he'd been to counseling and I thought it would be about that. But he had talked about feeling disrespected because he had bought me canes and other walking devices but I would still lumber around and trip. Of course I used aids when necessary, but it's not a black or white transition. When you can walk, you walk, and you want to. And he thought tripping was a sign that I wasn't using the walking aids, including a wheel chair. This is when I started to cry and talk about how what I'm going through is so hard. He also said said he wants to have conversations that are conceptual and talk about ideas.... well, we have a house, 2 kids, the m.s..... we have the day to day stuff that takes up my thoughts and time. This bothered me, but this is the point that I just started to think of neighbor's words.

And mind you, I am an intelligent person. I have the same degree, I wrote a business plan that was given a lot of compliments from the bankers when I met.."where'd you learn this? Most people seeking loans to start business don't do this"...well, I'm a trained monkey (and MBA).

I also understand him and always met him where he was. Heck, our wedding cake topper was Frankenstein and Bride of Frankenstein. (He's a big horror movie fan.)




I wouldn't say our relationship iteself caused me stress. The bizarre turn of the M.S. did, and does. Crying about it and not being understood by my husband does. I think I always accepted his "quirks" (the love of horror movie posters et. al.) but didn't realize that as he made more money, they would just keep coming and coming. I don't think I ever said anything, but yes, I think the air can become thick and even an "I'm closing my eyes and sucking in my breath" when I see yet another poster tube at our door is palpable. I used to think he needed his own getaway apartment for all of this, and now he'll have it. And yes, I think marriage counseling is a good option, but the counseling we did this summer was awful.


I iknow that may sound like I view him as alien, no no I always admired him and thought he was really his own person and I loved that. He does inspire me and I feel like I'm the boring one, but I wish he could see my strengths and admire that. Like, in my example above I would see immediately how that incident with mother could be distressing, and I might admire how it was handled by [me], who didn't ruffle feathers but instead recognized any type of conversation would be met at a bulwark and met her where she was able. I did feel I needed my husband to support me, but the counseling we went to at the time he couldn't see it.

Last edited by goodnouc on 31 Jan 2018, 1:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Yes, I think the love is still there. In fact, we both agree that since we talked and he signed the lease, there's more respect and shall we say, sizzile, in our relationship. I almost feel like I did when we first met. And no, it's not that I want him to stay so much that I'm being obsequious, it's just the opposite. I'm like...go. We both say, we need this. We both say I love you. This will be good for us. I've never felt unloved by him; I don't need roses and romantic dinners but I always loved that when he went to the library he'd bring me a book... "I thought you'd like this." i loved that. That's someone who loves you.



It is. And it's a strange time to leave, when I'm at my worst. But I also feel a pressure releasing. I know other people (to the extent that they know, and it'll get around) won't understand, and they'll jump to conclusions. But in this weird way, I kind of like living in an unexpected way. This life is short, and I don't think I'll look back and think it was boring. I do worry about the kids though, but maybe they'll be better for it. We're not going to Disneyworld every year and posting the happy, smiling faces on FB, you know?

Thank you for this resource. This is exactly what I need!

Here's a question I don't know if you could answer-- I'd love for him to talk to someone and get an official diagnosis, if its true. I don't know how I might bring it up, though he loved the Meyers Briggs test that officially told him he was an Introvert; he says seeing the framework (INTP if you're familiar) helped him with a lot of areas of his life.

Sounds like he is running away because he is afraid of the changes in your health. His meltdown was probably because he wanted to give you emotional support but could not figure it out. I think he needs to lovingly be told what to do to help (and maybe how). It should work out if you love each other. It will take patience on both your parts. Staying together is important for you both.

I am not he best for advice because I divorced 3 times. My second divorce was after 16 years. She said my interests never evolved, and my job had too much travel

You could be the most intelligent person in the world and still have issues in your personal relationships. You may be a trained monkey but you are still human. You are also completely at the whim of life.

I can tell you are a very grounded and stable person. But one thing I am noticing in all of this is that you may be too accommodating of others. Women are often taught to be nurturers and to put everyone else's needs ahead of our own. So when something like this happens (MS), you are exerting a lot of energy and focus on how this is impacting your loved ones. And perhaps you are trying extra hard to manage that, when your primary focus should really be on your own wellbeing.

To put it in perspective (although I do believe you handled yourself well), it seems a little bizarre on the surface that when someone says something injurious about you, your response is to approach that person with a focus on their suffering. You are right - "hurt people hurt people". But I can think of better ways to spend your energy when you are struggling like you are at this point in life

It just shows me where your priorities are (or aren't). Sometimes you need to be a little selfish.

I know it's a song title but it's also a saying I think: If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy

But then, I also understand that your husband is saying he needs a bit more "we" time. He probably seems a bit insensitive, but to me it says he has hope. He wants to maintain a positive outlook and believe that everything is going to work out fine.
Does he have any comedians he likes to watch? Laughter can be a good way to bond in times of stress. It gives your nervous system a bit of a reboot, especially when you've had a stressful day/week
Maybe you can have some "date nights" at home, with or without the kids. A physical separation does not have to mean an emotional one.



What was awful about the marriage counselling? At the very least, individual counselling would probably be helpful. It just gives you an outlet...and a space where you can be selfish

Yes, a lot of men need their "man cave"



I'm going to link this back to what I said about him (seemingly) wanting to maintain a positive outlook.

I would tend to think that your husband feels a lot of empathy for you. So much so, that he can feel your stress and what I imagine to be some fairly serious concerns about the future that you are carrying with you. And he is doing his utmost best to be strong. This would seem to be the best explanation for why he seems insensitive on some issues (his mother, the separation), and yet you know deep down that he adores you and he is right there with you.

Again, Aspie or not, it can be hard for someone to both feel a deep level of empathy, and know the best way to offer support. There is an inherent disconnect between any two human beings, different needs and different approaches to problem-solving.

I think your marriage is strong. But you can't avoid life's stresses taking a huge toll on both of you. The best thing you can do, and the only thing you have control over, is getting the right support in place to address your needs - friends, family, professionals, community.

Who is helping you manage your home and family life while you focus on recovery?

I know this wasn't directed at me, but I am not sure if right now would be the best time to address it. Myers-Briggs is positive. Some parts of ASD are not positive. Many people who get diagnosed as teens/adults experience grief, depression, doubt etc. Along with clarity.

A lot of information about ASD can also be overwhelming because it focuses on all the things that people with ASD can't do or struggle with. Even if he identifies with it (or especially if he does), it would be an emotional rollercoaster

NT Marriage counselling may be of little value to AS people because of two main reasons:

1) Counsellors are trained to ask only open questions. Neurotypical people relate well to these. AS people relate to definitive, closed questions very well, not open ones, so it's like putting a round peg in a square hole and it rarely works unless the counsellor is AS aware. 99% aren't.

2) Alexithymia. This hampers many who have strong feelings but issues with vocalising them or naming them.

Unfortunately counsellors are not trained in awareness of this and marriage counselling is a very NT paradigm at present, which tends to set AS partners up to struggle or fail with it. NT counsellors simply don't know how to translate the cultural, communication paradigm of AS people (generally). They think one size fits all.

May I highly recommend that you go to YouTube and access videos by Tony Attwood. He is the best translator there is in explaining the differences between the two cultures and their differences:

http://www.abc.net.au/radio/programs/co ... 17/9186958

Thank you for posting this, again. May I ask if there's an alternative that might work better for couples in which one or both have ASD?